my year

Dear Kate,

2013 will be a big year for you even though it may not appear as though. There will be a lot of changes, ups, downs and all of those seasonally things that make us grow.

You will still be inside the first year of marriage and learning what the heck it means to be a good wife. If the laundry being finished is something to be mastered or should you just let it pile as you sit and spend time with your husband and best friend. You will wonder when he needs alone time or if you should press when he states he is fine. You will wonder how to juggle friends and the urgency to just want to be alone with him. He will teach you the art of being you and how that is not only enough but perfect. He will teach you this because he believes what God believes. And then you will love him a lot more. You will fight and wonder what to do to make it magical again and then you'll learn that magic is not the goal, but instead forgiveness. You will wonder a lot about many things and that's ok. Marriage is not be achieved in year 1 or 50.  Just enjoy it Kate, its a gift.

You will finally go to the stomach doctor and answer the question, "how long has your stomach hurt?" with an embarrassing answer, "30 years." And then you'll have an ultrasound and find out that the tiny green organ called the gall bladder must come out. It is riddled with stones. And then you'll take pain pills for the first time in your life and close your eyes to a star galaxy. No really, you'll be touching stars and then you won't take the pills anymore because that's scary. Please also know that the surgery will not work, your stomach will still hurt, just a little less. And you won't lose any weight.

You will begin to wrestle with the question about what is exactly you want out of life and then you'll ponder ending chapters and beginning new ones.  You'll put yourself out there and wonder about new careers and then you'll hold your heart after it is burned and question what God is up to. This will be a difficult one and one that does not resolve at the year's end. But that's ok because I think, maybe just maybe, its one of the best trips you'll take with God. And you may even learn to trust a bit more. My God, do you need it Kate.

Your heart will sigh heavy as you watch your family suit up and face a new winter. It's cold harsh winds will almost seem to much to watch but then you'll see a new light too. You'll see strength and perseverance. Pain is hard, just hard. No one is amazing at pain, no one sails through it to a graduation of new horizons. Grace is the only way through.

2013 will be both good and difficult. And it will be of worth. I suppose if I could write this letter to the Kate of last January this is what I might have said.

Rope Holder

I need God. I need him all the flippin' time.  I am a mess without him. I am a mess held by him. Sometimes my anxiety is so vast to hold that I can barely whisper, "God, save me."  Lately this thought has been more apparent than ever.  Call it the peaks and valleys of life but when you're in the valley you start to think about things.  It is probably one of the only perks of camping out in the desert; I think people learn more with less. It's what they call clinging to anything just to feel the sensation of holding. Makes you feel safe and that maybe...maybe someone is holding onto the other half of the "rope" and you are not alone.   

The entertainment industry has made millions on this concept in conflict turned feel-good in the form of songs, movies, drama TV and so on.  I think it resonates with the human spirit because people need to hang onto something.  We were made to need.  And I think right now in my season of life I am realizing that I need God in the times of buds and fruit as well as barrenness and gray. 

One of my favorite songs by Faith Hill is called "When the lights go down."  The basic gist of the song is that we all find out who we are when the lights go down, when it's just you. I love my husband and my family and closest friends, they are amazing cheerleaders but they cannot sit with me in the dark. They cannot fill up the holes of fear, worry, anxiousness, and insecurity. That job belongs to one alone and when the lights go down I think you choose a savior or yourself.  Sadly most of us choose the latter and disappointment most definitely ensues.  I burnt just add water and oil cookies last week, I CANNOT be in charge of my life. 

I want to choose my savior over and over again. I want to know that it's ok to need Him. That I don't have to be perfect and then to actually walk that talk of loving my imperfections because my rope holder does.  I just need Him, that's all.  And it's ok for you too ya know

One Year

Well, we made it. One year married.  It's been amazing. No really, it truly has. We were told by "they" that the first year was the most difficult and while it did come with obstacles it was way more fun than troublesome.  

For some reason, we'll get to that later, God decided to bless me with the best guy.  I'm not sure I understood what a spiritual leader was until Jeff. Of course I used to demand my boyfriends to be one but heaven forbid they ask me to define it.  We were just kids trying to be adults and pretending to protect each other's hearts.  None of those relationships prepared me for marriage and or what healthy roles should look like.  Even pre-marital counseling couldn't really paint the picture clear enough. 

A year ago I had phrases and vows of submitting, Christ loving the church, for better or for worse and so on swirling around in my mind. I was scared that day I uttered those powerful words because I didn't know what they meant yet. All I knew was that I loved someone and I trusted God to take the next step. And then the next step happened, quickly. I was a wife and Jeff was a husband. Boom!

I'd like to think that Jeff read some special book about being married that I wasn't privy too but that is not the case. I think he just decided to love well by drawing from his own experience of Christ loving him.  I have watched him pray for us, hug me on dark days, make me my favorite dinner, go for walks even though he was tired, get frustrated with me and then turn around and tell me he loves me, make the bed because I like it, and a million other things. He says the kindest things when I believe I look the worst and laughs at all my silly jokes.  He even took me out for donuts after we left the doctor and no one was sure my sight would come back. He said I needed to try the best donut in town and after I told him I couldn't see the flavors behind the glass counter he explained each donut to me.  Jeff loves well. 

This past weekend we went to Savannah to celebrate our anniversary. It was one of those trips that seem magical and you come back convinced that you're moving there.  We laughed so hard while inside jokes were born. I fell in love all over again.  At the end of the trip I was standing in the shower thinking about Jeff and how much I loved him and the Holy Spirit whispered gently in my mind that Jeff's love for me was only a tiny smidge of how God feels about me.  This got me.  Depression and anxiety will tell you a ton of lies but the most powerful will be that you might not have been a good idea to God.  That maybe on the umpteenth day of disaster and dread you might actually start believing the lie of worthlessness.  SO NOT TRUE. 

God is real and you were always a good idea.  I am thankful for my smidge of love through my husband as a reminder of the Great Keeper of my Heart.  

Greener Pastures

If I was really honest I think I still believe pills are magic. And there is absolutely NO evidence to support this. I have endured 10 different medications and yet not one drug has eliminated the anxiety and depression. Lessoned it? Of course. But I think I am still secretly waiting for a drug to give me energy, smiles for days, and a spectacular view on life. I want this badly for my husband, family, and friends. I want to be different for them because I want to be perfect.


A long time ago I think I gave up on really liking me so I figured the people-pleaser in me rose above self-love. If I was this or that then things would start to get better and pills were just the ticket. If I could get better for them then maybe normalcy would return. In the beginning I went kicking and screaming for the medication route. Uh hello, I ain't taking any brain pills because duh, that's scary. I'll just keep reading the Psalms. And then slowly with encouragement from my counselor and friends I became ok with the fact that it was ok to need a little assistance. It also helped to know that a lot of people take meds, including my friends.

Which brings me to today; last week my doctor talked about weaning me off my current medication in hopes of starting a new one. Maybe this one would be the one. Trouble is I have to wait to start it because I'm having surgery next month and she didn't think it was best to begin a new medication until after. I must have looked heavy-hearted because she quickly reminded me that pills were not magic. Well why not?!

Because Kate, pills won't make you lie down in green pastures and stare at the clouds in bliss. Pills will not eliminate worry over money, future houses and children, family, what I want to be when I grow up, and how to be a perfect wife. Stupid sweet pills along with dizziness, weight gain, and sleepiness will only hold your hand on the journey while sweet precious Jesus carries you. I've got so much to learn about grace still, and mostly grace for myself. Jesus is quietly reminding me that perfection is relying on Him to be the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

For those who's hearts are broken

It's been a rough week for our church. A young beautiful girl drifted from our earth into heaven after a tragic car accident, a new mother to-be buried her sweet baby girl just two months shy of being full term, and a family said goodbye to a mother and daughter after a rainy car accident. 1 week, 4 deaths, and thousands praying to change God's heart and asking why? What are we supposed to do with the why?

I struggled this week with what to pray. The sovereignty of God is a large and tough thing to behold. What will be will be. And our fellow believers and pastors urge us to remember that God is still good, still good in the midst of darkness. It is so difficult to wrap your head around why he would want them early and why his best is take them from us. But you see that sentence is from our eyes. Our human eyes and hearts that cannot fathom an existence without theirs. We don't know what is best. We will go down fighting believing that we do, but we don't.

His ways are higher than ours; is that from an old hymn or in the Bible? My mom used to tell me that and I think I'll spend the rest of my days attempting to hold onto the truth of it. For some reason this sad week it was time for our loved ones to enter His presence and the absence of them in our lives will never make sense. The sense to cling to is that for a purpose higher than our dust-made minds can fathom is that God knows what he is doing. And his doing is perfect.

And its ok to cry, be angry, and question him. Your heart is broken and your understanding is severely lacking from his heavenly purposes. So go ahead and be all the emotions that you are, God knows you are weak and sad and will be for awhile. But you will rise from these ashes and slowly your perspective will begin to lean into him. Forever we will be sad in the absence of loved ones but hopefully as healing comes and God touches our broken spirit we will be reminded that He is good and that one day we'll understand.

My prayer for those that lost this week is that you feel no guilt in the emotions that will come and that you cry out to your Savior. Fervently pray that He will guide you to a place of trust in your pain and that you will rise. Do not give up. Life is hard and its ok to just be right now. Just be. He is sitting in the pit with you. Darkness is not darkness to him. I love you and I am praying for you as well.

Kate

Invoking the Spirit.

Remember learning about Greek & Roman mythology in school where the story began by invoking the gods? It was as if the story could not be told or retold to generations unless the source was invoked. Somehow along the way I started thinking I had to invoke God in order to make him come alive in my life and story. Ever do that too?

Days and weeks go by and I realize I haven't spent time with him. The kind of time I believe worth it and satisfactory. For me this is soft leather journal time with my new Bible and favorite pen and of course some yummy coffee or a ginger ale (the mecca of soda in my heart will always be ginger ale). So when this doesn't happen or I realize my go-to method of dealing with a stressful situation isn't to pray or seek wisdom I start to fear I've lost him. This is really hilarious if you ponder this ridiculous thought process. I mean where do I think he's gone? Is he waiting out my storms on a lawn chair until he hears his named called? Probably not....however I live as if he is.

On the way to church this morning I thought to myself I should spend some time with God today.  Someone who is referred to as "I AM" probably doesn't need to be invoked. The reality is he hasn't missed a beat of my seconds and minutes. I don't have to invite him into what is going on as if am I turning on my hair dryer. He isn't real as long as I call out to him for a conversation. He's real either way.

He is real when I mutter a quick prayer before a meeting, when I cry out for my family, when I pray on my knees for my husband, when I complain at work over and over again, when I choose television or pinterest before picking up a Bible, when I curse a friend for her behavior behind her back, when I choose over-eating to make myself feel better, and the list goes on...

I hope some of this misshapen post has made some sense. Quiet time and prayer isn't invoking his existence but instead invoking ours. 

Good Enough

I had to interview a student today for a scholarship that my workplace is awarding for college. Her resume was impeccable and her community service and grades were astounding. The final question in the interview asks the student why he or she is the best recipient for the scholarship award money. The student answered, "Because I try really...really hard to be a good person, a good daughter, friend, sister, and student." I smiled at her and sighed a little inside my heart as I sat across from me 15 years ago. Heck, me today still on hard days.


I always wanted to be a good girl. I wanted the best grades for my mom and dad and even for me. I wanted my sister to think I was cool and just like her. I wanted lots of friends at school and church and for all the boys to think I was pretty and slim. I kicked myself mentally when I made a mistake because I didn't want to let anyone down. Do not disappoint was my motto and probably an unhealthy pride in that motto too. This mentality bred a harmful mind formula, especially in my relationship with Christ. I remember basically hugging myself when I took the time to pray and read my Bible as a teen; I was so good I thought. So when I fell down on the job and didn't win friends to Christ or take time to hang out with God I felt like a disappointment.

As you can imagine, this led to anxiety (DUH) and a perfection complex. So today, blah blah blah I have anxiety and a blog called Low Serotonin, but that's not my point. My point is perfectionism can start early. It's an evil little drive inside that can take a lifetime to kill if you're not careful. I wanted to grab her today and hold her shoulders as I yelled grace in her face. Not appropriate though.

My counselor asked me once if I was exhausted from trying to carry the burden of doing everything right. Oh Emily, not the longest nap in the world could alleviate how tired I've been. Maybe you're tired too or are around a student that is pushing themselves to death. I would encourage you to lay the burden down and take a nap under the wings of God. Cheesy I know, I could have said His green pastures and still waters, wouldn't that have been worse? Anyway if you really ask yourself who you are measuring yourself for or against I hope you can see that God is not the target. I hope that's a freeing thought.

You won't feel it a lot of the time

I grew up in an emotional church. I think it skewed my thinking with regards to faith. It wasn't on purpose of course; it was just how I processed what it meant to saunter along the path of faith and life. I remember every Sunday seeing and hearing cries, shouts for joy, laughing, and loud prayers. We were encouraged to check our hearts before altar calls and communion. And I was plagued with anxiety when someone asked the infamous question, "Are you in the center of God's will?" I left for retreats ready to change my life and came home to a crash and burn of emotions when I didn't set out to lead my friends to Christ at school. These experiences led to a lot of soul searching, poems, Counting Crows listening, and journaling prayers. I was constantly over-analyzing my spiritual life and who I was. The trouble though was I didn't know who I was...and who really does in middle school and high school.


When I got to college and my 20s I didn't have my church to fall back on. I was on my own and I looked constantly for emotional peace. I remember praying for peace and waiting on that warm feeling to fill my chest. I took this feeling as God's favor and presence. Phew, I wasn't alone. As you can imagine the onset of anxiety and depression was a HUGE spiritual downfall for me. When you feel nothing and care about nothing then your mind generally leads to the conclusion that God is gone, left the building.

I once asked him to move a chair, just a nudge or something. It was one of those dark night of the soul nights and I needed a sign. I asked for a chair to move and the chair stayed put. I thought I was on my own and it wasn't so much God's fault as mine. I knew he was perfect and kind and therefore it must have been me.

Thank God for counseling! I'm not sure where I would be now if I hadn't hit serotonin's bottom. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to start over. Through a lot of counseling and personal ground work I slowly started to realize that it wasn't about feeling him so much as trusting him. I still struggle with this everyday but the good news is that I know the truth now. God has never left and he was sitting with me on the couch that night holding me, probably wondering why I needed a chair to fall instead of just holding his hand.

Emotional experiences are awesome; human emotions are powerful and when Christ touches each one it's pretty cool. But the truth is you won't feel it a lot of the time. And that's ok. No one really wants to be in a relationship with constant highs and lows. Commitment comes in the form of every day trusting and walking. I try to remind myself this and I thought you might need to be reminded too. God is always with us, Immanuel.

GRACE

I'm a softy for grace. I love it! I love an apology that melts the angry heart. Grace is like magic to me, it's a clean cut through strife. And that's how I know I guess that God is in the center of it, driving the heart toward peace. No other concept, noun, and verb can penetrate anger as well as brokenness. See? Magic.


At work today my friends and I were talking about people that constantly get away with bad behavior and crazy choices. My co-worker asked the question, "Why do you think God protects people like that," and I had to stop and ponder why as well. Why would someone get away with whatever "it" is while the innocent suffer? And suddenly I remembered one of my most favorite things Jeff has taught me. He told me once that our entire lives are God's pursuit of us. The E-N-T-I-R-E length of our lifespan is chased by God. He doesn't see levels of sinful actions, just sin. And he definitely sees us all the same, broken humans needing Him. Some know it and some don't, but regardless we are in the same boat of life.

We of course have penalties here on earth for our actions and different choices render different punishments. So it's natural for us to assume that God protects us with grace because we think we are not that bad. I lie and gossip sometimes but I've never killed someone or broken up a marriage so I'm different. I deserve grace and I'm sorry when I screw up. I'm one of the good ones. (No, Kate...) But what about those that show no remorse and have actions that don't result in the consequences we believe are due them? That's when we ask questions like my friend asked. And that's when we hopefully remember the power of grace and not our false sense of goodness.

I don't know why God does the things he does. I don't want to know. I just want to constantly remember that God wants our hearts, ALL of the hearts that walk this earth. Grace is one of His greatest tools and the best reminder to each of us that none are deserving of it.

Good Things

Lately I've been bugging Jeff with questions about the future...things he wants for himself and for us. And then I answer the questions for myself, going on about my dreams and wonderful things I want. It's silly but I think we all do it. It's fun to dream about things we want for ourselves. Sometimes I think about what I want for my faith too because I think it would be unanimous if I asked my fellow Christians if they wanted good things from God. Forgiveness, blessings, hope, and love...ya know, the good stuff.


I don't think however that I would desire the good stuff for those I don't particularly care for. It's not that I would desire terrible things for them but I suppose I just wouldn't think at all about them. My M.O. is just to ignore those I don't like. My thought process is honestly, ugh he or she is annoying, mean, or etc. and I am just going to go out of my way to ignore, avoid, and secretly harbor ill-will. He or she may win a journal entry from me or a counseling session but then I attempt to just move on. I may even avoid gossiping about them. I'm such a good Christian.

But then, if I let myself, I think about their feelings. Would he or she care that I'm bad-mouthing them? Does God want good things for them? Would God want them to grow in their faith and receive the same love that I desire? Oh dear...yes. And then in that moment my fuse is snuffed out because I know I am not better than he or she. I'm not more IMPORTANT or kinder or more special. We are the same, and I deserve nothing more than them just because I believe I am the good one or the right one in the scenario in my mind. Entitlement is a terrible thing to behold in the faith journey. I'm not sure we wear it well.

So where does that leave us...or even this post? I think it's the beginning of a conversation that you have to start asking your heart. And if it's an honest talk then know you'll feel pretty bad at first. Nobody likes to be wrong and no one wants to willingly think upon their enemies or that maybe God wants us to love them. Love the homeless? Sure. Love our neighbors? Sure. Love babies? Of course. Love our families? Yep. But love the one that you just knoooow is dumb AND wrong? (silence) And remember that God wants the best for he or she? (silence).

I think silence is an ok start to this conversation. Silence is time to think and time to dwell on what the great Counselor is attempting to teach. Renewing the mind takes time and so does loving others.

I would rather learn to love than label another person as someone I want to ignore and stuff away in my drawer of people that have hurt me or been miffed at.

things that are not

Just read an article in Relevant magazine about instagram and the other social media sites that are setting us up for failure, pride, and self-deprecation. I think we've heard the argument before; it's no news story that we're all living beautiful lives within the confines of photo-editing. I'm pretty sure EVERYONE and EVERYTHING looks better on instagram. And yet we still feed into the theory that someone out there is living a better and more fabulous life. Or maybe we think we're the fabulous one. Ugh, I hate when I'm the latter.


We're terrified to be real. We're taught to Keep Calm and Carry On. This past week our landlord was coming over to put in a new water heater and I went nuts over cleaning up. I felt a responsibility to have the house look spotless and be as shabby-chic as possible. I wanted him to think we were living the high life in his house. That we took care of it immensely and that it was well-decorated too. We were cool and duh, he needed to see it. But cleaning on a Monday night is not Jeff & Kate, not in the least bit. And our house is not pinterest-iffic. It's a condo in Alpharetta. The laundry is never done! Jeff leaves his shoes and random cups of water everywhere (sorry babe, you've been outed). The grout in the bathroom is forever gray, I can't waste anymore time scrubbing, it just looks grimy even when clean. Most of our furniture is old or from a relative and only once in a blue moon are our counters clear. But it's our home, and it will always be our first little abode.

So this got me thinking. Remember those Dove ads where women in plain white undies and bras are standing in a line and we can clearly see that none of them are a size 2? We LOVED those ads, and why we loved them is because those women look like us. They're real! Dove got it right and we should follow suit. So here my friends is the real me, my open journal for you and to remind me that God loves the things that are not...

God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are 1 Cor 1:28

I have blackheads...despite the fact that I use blackhead scrubbing face wash.

I have cellulite on my thighs and butt and most recently, my knees. wtf? I have gained 17lbs since I got married. Perfect.

I sometimes don't wash my hair.

I lose my temper and curse. (I'm sorry mom)

I am moody and expect others to accept this.

I cannot just eat one chip. Bread is my thorn and first love.

I love instagram because it makes my teeth look whiter and skin look clearer.

And many, many more...

Book Review

I haven't dabbled much in mental health memoirs. I assumed it would make me sad and/or make me believe I was suddenly dealing with their exact illness as well. Actually as I type this I am laughing because most people probably haven't dabbled in mental health memoirs either. When was the last time you went to B&N in search of a feel-good book about depression...


The crazy thing is that I did find a feel-good book about depression/anxiety. I haven't cackled this much from a book in a long time. I'm rapidly turning e-pages and rereading quotes to poor Jeff as he tries to "get there" with me with absolutely no context.

The book is written as a straightforward story by an ordinary guy. He has a full-time job, loves Jesus, and is trying to be a good husband and father to his wife and little ones. Oh and he's riddled with the bullets of anxiety and OCD.

My counselor originally sent me the link to his book because she thought I'd relate and be comforted. She was right, as usual. I loved his humor and related to his struggles from the time he was little up until the present. This isn't a how-to book or even a beautiful story with a nice ending. It's just an honest narrative about functioning and sometimes not functioning with a rapid mind. And I related to every page.

It's life-giving to hear from someone that the what-if game does not go away. It just gets quieter as it gets managed. That you start over again every day, that you sometimes have to have prescription help, and that sometimes you won't know what to do or where to turn. And that God is somehow real and is not doing this or making you feel this way because you're a big fat sinner. Maybe, just maybe, it's because you're broken and live in world where difficulty is manufactured.

The book is called, "Compelled: A Memoir of OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, and Faith...Sometimes," by Tim Blue.

Go. Read. It.

Anger

Anger is a powerful thing to behold. I never considered myself as a person that struggled with anger. Anxiety, worry, and distrust...you bet. But anger, no way. I don't even like conflict and yet anger has found a way into my heart. It actually feels a lot like an anxiety attack. It bubbles up and then tightens your chest like an unexpected bear hug. Maybe that's why I didn't see it coming.


But here I am, angry and probably a little pride-ridden too. What or whom I'm angry about is beside the point. People and circumstances will always frustrate you. Don't count on that NOT happening in life. The real issue at hand though is what anger does to our insides. It's like a whole world is happening in our minds that only we are privy to. We mull over past conversations, scenarios, and even fake scenarios of future occurrences we think will happen. And all the while our hearts are changing, morphing into people we wouldn't care to be friends with.

Sin is ugly like that. Remember those anti- smoking ads from the 90s that said something like, "if what happened on your inside happened on your outside, would you still smoke?" And then we see a shriveled up human head and lung set that is black, gooey, and charred. Umm gross. Kind of makes you think though, would we let anger set foot in our souls if we knew who we would become. Because at the moment I am distracted, irritable, attempting to control situations, sending words I wish I could take back, and definitely not looking to the Bible or prayer to calm my anxious heart. Not to mention the fact that I'm downing Easter Peeps like it's my job. (Sigh, emotional eating...for another blog)

I mentioned my state to a friend and he quoted a story about a woman who asked God to remove her resentment. The story ends where the woman is challenged to pray for others what she would pray for herself. So...I'm supposed to pray for good health, peace, humbleness, kindness, and the rest of the good fruits for others? Challenge indeed. But I think the story might be onto something. Prayer changes your insides too...slowly and surely weaving through holes and binding up our broken hearts.

Dear God,

I'm angry. I hate the way a lot of things are right now. And I'm prideful in what I believe is the best way to proceed in life. But you are none of those things. Change my heart as you change my loved ones and circumstances. Fill our hearts with humbleness and wisdom and remind us who is really driving. And break our hearts too if need be. If that's what it takes to melt away the stubbornness and cling to the only thing that does not sink.

Help us believe when everything says we shouldn't.

Love,

Kate Johnson

Concrete

Totally had one of those moments last night where you hear something rephrased that you think you've known all along and it rocks your world. Lately my posts have been about a struggle with measuring up and making sure God and I were a-ok. And the tension is that I should know we're ok, I've been in church my whoooole life.


My mom took us Sunday morning and night as well as Wednesday night. I've sat through felt-board Sunday school lessons, puppet shows in children's church, vacation bible schools, youth group, and so on. I was told about Jesus' love for me, about what he did on the cross, and what his resurrection really meant for us all. I should know this by heart and yet I still want to enter his good graces by not doing the wrong thing. I still fear his disappointment in me when I make a poor choice.

But last night Dot Bowen said something in Bible study that changed everything. (Dramatic phrasing I know, but it really did!)

She said, "Did you know that you cannot change the character of God?"

God is infinitely good, loving, and the author of grace. He cannot be anything but that. There is NOTHING that I do that will change his character. My sin nature cannot change his affection. Sin hurts and changes me...not him.

So there you have it; His concrete character and the way he feels about me is staying put.



Cue the music in the background...

"On Christ, the solid rock, I stand

all other ground is sinking sand"

Good News Guys

Changing the way you do anything is hard. Really hard. I went to counseling this week and for the first 15 minutes I unloaded my emotional baggage one piece at a time. I'm pretty sure I overwhelmed my counselor and the 45 precious minutes we had left. (Don't you always wish there was more time?) She looked at me and suggested that maybe we talk about 2 of my 12 crises for today. Ok, fine.

We explored the issue, questioned why I perceived it that way, and what I could do to calm the flip down. But implementing the ways isn't really the real problem. Its the perception in my mind. Its the labels I give myself and the rabbit hole of mind destruction.

Sin comes in a lot of forms. In the south we like to think it fits nicely within the realms of the "classics." Gossip, killin', lying, sex before marriage, and so on to name a few. But we've underestimated it if we think it only approaches us through the classics. We live in a fallen world, full of brokenness, and sometimes sin comes to just hang out in your mind and change you if its successful. The truth is you won't even realize your depraved mind is at work most of the time because you are sinful by nature. It will never be that difficult to do the wrong thing.

This isn't really good news to me. It kind of makes me think things are never going to get better. That I may always emotionally overeat, that I'll assume I'm not a good christian, that I'll never have energy, that I'll always criticize others so I feel good about myself, and blah blah blah. The ol' Depression cranked up.

I read in Romans today for my Bible study (catch-up reading because I bailed last week) and a couple of things really punched me in the face.

"For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.(vs. 10)...For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under the law but under grace. (vs. 14)...But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed. (vs. 17)" ~ Romans Chapter 6 (ESV)

I highlighted the phrases that got me because to me they showed my "part" in all this.  I am a child of God only through Jesus. He died for me, once and for all. I HAVE to consider myself dead to sin's power because my sinful mind does not own me.  I have to be committed in this relationship, authentically from my heart, and carry on to the truth that has set me free from my old way of thinking. And this mind renewing is daily, most of the time minute by minute.  Because sin is still there. But Grace is still there too and it is abounding.

This is not easy stuff to swallow and then carry on our merry way.  It is hard. But if you sit still and think back to the last time you really lost yourself in Christ, was it not the most life-giving thing?

Split in 2

Home alone tonight. Good thing too, Jeff may have thought I was losing it. ;) Been a rough day and I've been struggling through many thoughts in my heart. Truth is I've been frustrated a lot (A LOT) lately. And the even more truthful thing is that I've been frustrated with Christianity.

It just seems sooooo complicated. We're told to trust, to receive the gift, and to love Him in return. But it doesn't stay that simple. In fact things get messy, sin weaves its way through our circumstances, and we're left calling some shots, asking for forgiveness, and hiding our questioning hearts. Can't let them see, right?

I was first told about sin in children's church as a kid. They told us sin was separation from God. That when we sin we are no longer able to stay in His sight. Umm terrifying. I wasn't really sure about all the logistics but I knew God not being able to see me because of my choice was not good. I had to find a way back to Him. The rest I'm sure was told to me ( not to knock my church) about how Jesus was the bridge to get us back, but that part didn't stay with me. I went home that day with a seed planted in my heart that sometimes God couldn't look at me and it was all my fault. And so began my self-preservation and constant attempts to get back across that bridge.

I also think my anxious heart was birthed. My fear that I was not good enough. That if people really saw me would they think I was a Christian? Did I really believe I was? And the best part about growing up in church is that I knew better. We know that sin is real and that only Jesus can heal (rhyme..what what!!!!).  So why do we still act like it is up to us??? See, my frustration.

Tonight I had to bust out the Message Bible because Romans in my regular Bible wasn't cutting it. I couldn't understand Paul's heart. But thank you Eugene Peterson for telling me like it is. Romans 4:4-5 talks about a job that you just can't do. No matter how long or how hard you'll try the job won't get done. And believe me you'll try. Its a never-ending marathon. No 13.1 or 26.2 stickers for you.  BUT trusting Jesus to do the job is what builds that bridge.  Handing over the hammer, nails, and wood and dying to your own efforts sets you free. Its a gift.  We were never meant to be builders.

I made a fire tonight and laid beside it and stared (that's the crazy part I'm glad Jeff didn't walk in to see).  I watched the fire consume the log and then something really interesting happened. I watched the fire split the log in two.  And it was then that I prayed, "God, consume me. break me. split in half and burn up my efforts. I am nothing without you. Take my pride and sear it away."

Maybe someone else needed to hear that too. Or maybe it was just for me tonight. Regardless, I think peace gained some ground tonight in my heart. I wish I could go back and tell that little girl in children's church the good news.

Warning (Vulnerable)

I started a new Bible study tonight. I was excited to bring my new Bible, take notes, and be involved in something healthy.  For the next 8 weeks we will be covering Romans. Good ol' Romans. Its always been the book that reminded me that I'm not alone when I do the things I do not in fact want to do but do anyway. You with me?!

Our teacher prefaced with a different take though. She said bottom-line: Romans = by faith, I will trust God. It got me thinking; faith, trust, hope...all those things must be rooted in love. Love is the greatest gift our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us. There is no greater love than His. But I didn't feel comforted in that. I asked myself instead do you love God? As in want to please Him through faith and trust because of my love. Ehhh scary question.  I think so. I know I'm not very good at it. But I do, right?

Suddenly I wanted to be alone in my car so I could have this conversation with God and myself.  I didn't want to be sitting in my chair constantly recrossing the opposite leg based on which thigh was asleep. I wanted out. 2 hours later I got my wish and the study ended. So here I am in bed, typing. 

I thought about Jeff and how I love him. I want to have the laundry folded so he'll have his clothes ready. I am so proud when I cook something and I know he likes it and is not just being newlywed nice. I love to plan a date that I know he'll enjoy. I do these things because I love him. I even love him right now as I listen to him snore beside me.  

I know I am in love. So why can't I be that sure about Christ. Am I really that shallow in that because I can see and touch Jeff that I am more convinced. After everything that I have been through don't I know by now? Man, I 'm frustrating.  But I think I may have it wrong.  I think you have to back up and ask yourself what does it mean to love God? Isn't it trusting him when you don't understand or pushing through a tough day because you know its the right thing to do.  Don't we do these things because of love and in return our faith is strengthened? And at the same time our love is deepened in the reliance of Him.  Kind of a fantastic little equation we got going on. 

I think I may need to chew on that for awhile. Just being honest. 

Crazy Bucket

         You have a bucket. I have a bucket. Let’s call it the bucket of crazy. It is the pail of circumstances, frustrations, and worries that begin to fill your mind and heart drop by drop; and every once in awhile your bucket bottoms out.
         I am referring to the days of course that you go a little looney tunes per say. These are the days where you are already in the hole emotionally and it gets worse from there. Your jeans are too tight so you have extra cereal because you’re sad. A project comes up at work that must be completed stat when you’re already behind. Your eyes are drooping despite the 8 hours of sleep you received the night before. A small headache forms at your temple and eases its way across your forehead like a blob of honey running down a jar. And someone asks you if you are feeling alright because you are sans makeup. I’m well thank you, just pale and haggard-looking. People always need you too; a friend or family member and you just don’t have it to give. But you’re not sure how to voice that so you just end up looking careless and out of it.
          Life’s big questions seem to appear too; What am I doing in life? What are my passions? Do I have passions? Does everyone just think I’m crazy because I take medicine? Why can’t I get it together today? I would handle this better if I’d just had my devotion, quiet time, starbucks visit or whatever we’re calling it these days. But honestly, you don’t feel close to Christ so it’s difficult to see him clearly to even run to. He isn’t up ahead of course, he is right beside you but we’re too full to notice. The bucket is teetering back and forth now and begins to spill over the edges as the bottom gives way. Definition=no rationalization, tears, desire to scream perhaps, and most likely a lashing out before lying still in bed …and its only 2:30pm.
        Listen, we’ve all been there. You’re not unstable. You’re not a bad Christian. You don’t need to Google your symptoms and I promise you’re still a good mom, wife, daughter, and sister. Your bucket just filled up a little quicker today. Figure out whatever it is you need to do to walk beside still waters with God and do that. Just that. And also, hang in there my fellow crazies.

You Matter

Thank you Dot for showing me the following truths:
I recently read a devotional email from my Bible Study teacher, Dot Bowen, about the story of Sarah, Abram, and Hagar. The story is usually focused on Abram and Sarah and a promise kept that ensured generations of God’s people to be born. It’s a great story and it reminds us that God always keeps his promises even when we mess up or attempt to take things into our own hands. Hello, Sarah asking her husband to sleep with the help because she wanted a baby?! Duh, of course she was going to despise her husband, maid, and ultimately herself with a decision like that. BUT… in the end she still got to be a mom. I think the part that really amazed me though was Hagar’s story that Dot pointed out. She had to flee because Sarah hated her and the baby she carried. She was just a young slave that had obeyed her mistress and now she was alone in the desert. And the Bible says God found her and told her what to do in the midst of her crisis. Her response is what struck me; she called out to God and named Him, “the God that sees me.”

It’s all right there in scripture. No fancy language, just simple truth. God will find you because he sees you. Can you imagine sitting in your own circumstance and God, whether you believe in Him or not, comes to your side and says, “Hey, I see You and its going to be ok.” I think we can have the tendency as humans to feel small and be one of trillions with problems. Why would my story or your story matter? And yet a girl, who slept with a very important married man, mattered. We don’t know if Hagar was a believer, all we know is that she was a slave from Egypt. But what we do know is that she recognized that God saw her and I have to believe that changed things for her. Because at the core existence of us all we just want to know we matter despite our sin and ugliness.

Bottom line: We are broken. We make crappy decisions. We get ourselves in messes. And right smack in the middle of the desert we are still noticed. Believer or not, God sees you, because you matter.

Resolutions

And it’s upon us. The. New. Year.




So it’s time to make resolutions my friends. Some I will keep and some I will add again to 2014’s list. Let’s begin with the regulars…

1) Go to gym. Like actually go. As of now LA Fitness has a sweet deal with me; I pay them annnnd they do nothing.

2) Read my Bible. Jeff bought me an awesome large print Bible for Christmas. Its pages soft, crispy, and ready.

3) Vow to complain less, gossip less, and learn silence when it would be easy to pipe up and say something negative.

4) Journal more. Hello, the first year of marriage in record will be a jewel one day. We’ve already endured blindness in the first quarter!

5) Say no, a little more, to sweets. Sugar is perfect and kind but we MUST see each other less.



And for the Newbies…

6) Take some sort of writing class or workshop. Gotta hone those skillz

7) Take a trip to somewhere I have never been. 

8) Start looking into mission trips. I’ve never been on one. Never.

9) Become more fervent in prayer.

10) See more plays with Jeff. I love theater. Maybe I’ll get to see Jeff in a play this year.



Make some for yourself too. And no worries if they do not come to fruition. It’s kind of the nature of these lists. ;)