I had to interview a student today for a scholarship that my workplace is awarding for college. Her resume was impeccable and her community service and grades were astounding. The final question in the interview asks the student why he or she is the best recipient for the scholarship award money. The student answered, "Because I try really...really hard to be a good person, a good daughter, friend, sister, and student." I smiled at her and sighed a little inside my heart as I sat across from me 15 years ago. Heck, me today still on hard days.
I always wanted to be a good girl. I wanted the best grades for my mom and dad and even for me. I wanted my sister to think I was cool and just like her. I wanted lots of friends at school and church and for all the boys to think I was pretty and slim. I kicked myself mentally when I made a mistake because I didn't want to let anyone down. Do not disappoint was my motto and probably an unhealthy pride in that motto too. This mentality bred a harmful mind formula, especially in my relationship with Christ. I remember basically hugging myself when I took the time to pray and read my Bible as a teen; I was so good I thought. So when I fell down on the job and didn't win friends to Christ or take time to hang out with God I felt like a disappointment.
As you can imagine, this led to anxiety (DUH) and a perfection complex. So today, blah blah blah I have anxiety and a blog called Low Serotonin, but that's not my point. My point is perfectionism can start early. It's an evil little drive inside that can take a lifetime to kill if you're not careful. I wanted to grab her today and hold her shoulders as I yelled grace in her face. Not appropriate though.
My counselor asked me once if I was exhausted from trying to carry the burden of doing everything right. Oh Emily, not the longest nap in the world could alleviate how tired I've been. Maybe you're tired too or are around a student that is pushing themselves to death. I would encourage you to lay the burden down and take a nap under the wings of God. Cheesy I know, I could have said His green pastures and still waters, wouldn't that have been worse? Anyway if you really ask yourself who you are measuring yourself for or against I hope you can see that God is not the target. I hope that's a freeing thought.
