I grew up in an emotional church. I think it skewed my thinking with regards to faith. It wasn't on purpose of course; it was just how I processed what it meant to saunter along the path of faith and life. I remember every Sunday seeing and hearing cries, shouts for joy, laughing, and loud prayers. We were encouraged to check our hearts before altar calls and communion. And I was plagued with anxiety when someone asked the infamous question, "Are you in the center of God's will?" I left for retreats ready to change my life and came home to a crash and burn of emotions when I didn't set out to lead my friends to Christ at school. These experiences led to a lot of soul searching, poems, Counting Crows listening, and journaling prayers. I was constantly over-analyzing my spiritual life and who I was. The trouble though was I didn't know who I was...and who really does in middle school and high school.
When I got to college and my 20s I didn't have my church to fall back on. I was on my own and I looked constantly for emotional peace. I remember praying for peace and waiting on that warm feeling to fill my chest. I took this feeling as God's favor and presence. Phew, I wasn't alone. As you can imagine the onset of anxiety and depression was a HUGE spiritual downfall for me. When you feel nothing and care about nothing then your mind generally leads to the conclusion that God is gone, left the building.
I once asked him to move a chair, just a nudge or something. It was one of those dark night of the soul nights and I needed a sign. I asked for a chair to move and the chair stayed put. I thought I was on my own and it wasn't so much God's fault as mine. I knew he was perfect and kind and therefore it must have been me.
Thank God for counseling! I'm not sure where I would be now if I hadn't hit serotonin's bottom. Sometimes it takes complete destruction to start over. Through a lot of counseling and personal ground work I slowly started to realize that it wasn't about feeling him so much as trusting him. I still struggle with this everyday but the good news is that I know the truth now. God has never left and he was sitting with me on the couch that night holding me, probably wondering why I needed a chair to fall instead of just holding his hand.
Emotional experiences are awesome; human emotions are powerful and when Christ touches each one it's pretty cool. But the truth is you won't feel it a lot of the time. And that's ok. No one really wants to be in a relationship with constant highs and lows. Commitment comes in the form of every day trusting and walking. I try to remind myself this and I thought you might need to be reminded too. God is always with us, Immanuel.
