Is it still beating?

Three months ago I prayed a small prayer on the way home from work. It went a little something like this:

"God, I would love to be a mom and I want to be a mom like yesterday. But I know you know best and I want your will more and I trust your timing."

And then two days later I took a test. A test I had already taken over the weekend that had failed to produce two lines. I secretly didn't believe it was positive and I was already mad at myself for wasting another test. This time the test revealed a faint second line. And there it was, the beginning of another journey of trust for me. 

If I thought anxiety would float away as excitement and joy moved in I was quite mistaken.  It felt as if while this tiny life began to grow inside me so did fear.  I began to pray and then turn around and worry the baby would leave. And if it did I was powerless to stop it. Anxiety is about control and my baby was out of my control. Sure I could take vitamins, drink water and eat veggies; but what made my womb special? Why did my baby get to stay and others fade away from wonderful women? 

I remember feeling this way when I dated Jeff. I wondered why such a great guy would stick around and check off the items of the godly man list I made years before. It seemed I couldn't quite grasp good things from our Lord...for me. 

On our 8 week appointment I wasn't as excited about the ultrasound as I was the fetal heartbeat. I needed to hear that beat. I needed proof because my trust was failing. I wished things were different but I felt weak in my faith. I felt like a failure already.  The beat was strong and healthy and it felt like a breath of fresh air. I wish we had recorded it.  My sweet baby.

A month later at the 12 week appointment I was desperately needing that beat again. DANG IT! Why couldn't I just trust?

But I can't help but think this is refining me. It has to be some hard thing I am enduring for my pearl in the end.  I know some women sit back and pinterest while planning their gender reveal parties, but I am not of that breed. Pregnancy has been a little tougher for me.  Raw, honest, organic trust is not achieved in one heartbeat. Learning is infinite.  

I pray my trust stretches a little more each time I hit the ground after a fall and stand again.  I love you sweet baby for showing me to trust. Keep beating.