Greener Pastures

If I was really honest I think I still believe pills are magic. And there is absolutely NO evidence to support this. I have endured 10 different medications and yet not one drug has eliminated the anxiety and depression. Lessoned it? Of course. But I think I am still secretly waiting for a drug to give me energy, smiles for days, and a spectacular view on life. I want this badly for my husband, family, and friends. I want to be different for them because I want to be perfect.


A long time ago I think I gave up on really liking me so I figured the people-pleaser in me rose above self-love. If I was this or that then things would start to get better and pills were just the ticket. If I could get better for them then maybe normalcy would return. In the beginning I went kicking and screaming for the medication route. Uh hello, I ain't taking any brain pills because duh, that's scary. I'll just keep reading the Psalms. And then slowly with encouragement from my counselor and friends I became ok with the fact that it was ok to need a little assistance. It also helped to know that a lot of people take meds, including my friends.

Which brings me to today; last week my doctor talked about weaning me off my current medication in hopes of starting a new one. Maybe this one would be the one. Trouble is I have to wait to start it because I'm having surgery next month and she didn't think it was best to begin a new medication until after. I must have looked heavy-hearted because she quickly reminded me that pills were not magic. Well why not?!

Because Kate, pills won't make you lie down in green pastures and stare at the clouds in bliss. Pills will not eliminate worry over money, future houses and children, family, what I want to be when I grow up, and how to be a perfect wife. Stupid sweet pills along with dizziness, weight gain, and sleepiness will only hold your hand on the journey while sweet precious Jesus carries you. I've got so much to learn about grace still, and mostly grace for myself. Jesus is quietly reminding me that perfection is relying on Him to be the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend.