Rabbit Foot

Well I did it. And by did it I mean I: - Got. Married. -Went to Mexico -Survived Customs & Security -Flew over WATER the whooooole time -Experienced another culture (Cancun totally counts guys) -Learned to sleep with a boy in my bed Its been a big 10 days thus far. Lots of things for me to easily fear and ball up with angst. I'm not sure why I didn't see it coming, why I didn't know that anxiety, unfortunately, is still the parasite within me that threats to spread and grow. Anxiety doesn't care for change and it really doesn't like multiple changes all at once. Its Anxiety 101 and yet I didn't see it. I had 3 days of bliss and then it shoved me hard and ran away laughing like the bully. I turned to silent praying and requesting tiny miracles to get me through the day. And it occurred to me that I was treating Christ like a rabbit foot. A soft piece of fur radiating luck when rubbed. "God, help get through customs ok." "God, calm my heart and give me peace." "God, let Jeff understand that I'm not crazy, just a little anxiety-ridden over marriage." "God, its me again, can you do this too...?" I think a lot of anxious people reach for their rabbit foot when feeling out of control. It makes for a sturdier existence, even for just a minute. But then I am reminded by Jeff that you have to ask yourself, is God still good even if my heart doesn't become calm or the Mexican Border Patrol believe me to be a person of interest at random? Is he still good Kate? Yes, I say while stroking the foot. Yes, he is still good as long as he does what I say and things are smooth. I am still just a baby Christian, even after 23 years of believing. I still see favor with God as a result of good behavior. I'm still gonna reach for a disgusting hot pink foot with counterfeit fur and a key chain. In this case God was incredibly faithful to us and protected us during our first trip. But I think I learned a little something about my rabbit foot mentality. I have to step beyond the vending machine when my day hasn't become calm. When my heart is pumping like a Red Bull drink on an empty stomach for 12 hours. And when one bad day turns into a several bad days. I have anxiety. Its ugly. But God is still good.