I'm not sure how to start this post...mostly because I am still processing how I feel. I can't promise this post will be articulate or that maybe I should wait until the words are clearer in my mind but I made a promise and I want to keep it. I promised God I would give him all the glory. So here is my story, my current story and perhaps a lot of my past as well.
I have anxiety. I have depression. They are battles I have known in the past and mountains I have crossed and tried not to look back upon. I hate them both. And I spend a lot of my time convincing myself not to beat my mind up for what it cannot help. For those that travel these roads with me know this is not an easy battle nor a downhill journey. Its hard. Just plain hard. And I guess I wonder why I didn't see what was coming as something that may be harder on me because of them. I just didn't know to ask.
3 weeks ago I delivered a healthy baby boy. It was a tough delivery of 24 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with a worn-off epidural. But alas, he was here. It was not magical, it was hard. Hollywood lied. I have never used more energy in all my life or prayed harder. Most of it was a blur. Exhaustion is a powerful thing to behold. But labor ended and then life began.
I was beyond excited to be a mom. I had been counting down the days and minutes for 9 months or really since I was an early teenager. "Wife and Mom," were always my answers to what I hoped the future held. And here I was with a new baby and a great husband. The future was here. But so was the cracking dam.
I awoke the next morning after delivery and have every day since with an overwhelming sense of anxiety. My days are currently filled with bouts of panic, overwhelming thoughts of caring for a human, fears of it never getting better, guilt over not bonding as I had pictured, and just plain exhaustion. Oh and some good ol' stomach pains too. Something I had wanted for so long had become something I questioned was a good thing for me. And that thought itself absolutely wrecked me. My sweet little innocent baby deserved the world and my stupid mind wouldn't let me give it to him.
I have become aggressive in fixing it. Doctors, God, counseling sessions, and desperate prayers. On the days I feel like fighting my thoughts are that this has got to go and quick or I'll be swallowed whole. But where is God when the trees stay still though you beg them to sway. He's still here even when I don't understand. And my God, I want to understand. And though I don't... here is what I do know:
I am still weak and He is still strong and I'm still here.
