I haven't dabbled much in mental health memoirs. I assumed it would make me sad and/or make me believe I was suddenly dealing with their exact illness as well. Actually as I type this I am laughing because most people probably haven't dabbled in mental health memoirs either. When was the last time you went to B&N in search of a feel-good book about depression...
The crazy thing is that I did find a feel-good book about depression/anxiety. I haven't cackled this much from a book in a long time. I'm rapidly turning e-pages and rereading quotes to poor Jeff as he tries to "get there" with me with absolutely no context.
The book is written as a straightforward story by an ordinary guy. He has a full-time job, loves Jesus, and is trying to be a good husband and father to his wife and little ones. Oh and he's riddled with the bullets of anxiety and OCD.
My counselor originally sent me the link to his book because she thought I'd relate and be comforted. She was right, as usual. I loved his humor and related to his struggles from the time he was little up until the present. This isn't a how-to book or even a beautiful story with a nice ending. It's just an honest narrative about functioning and sometimes not functioning with a rapid mind. And I related to every page.
It's life-giving to hear from someone that the what-if game does not go away. It just gets quieter as it gets managed. That you start over again every day, that you sometimes have to have prescription help, and that sometimes you won't know what to do or where to turn. And that God is somehow real and is not doing this or making you feel this way because you're a big fat sinner. Maybe, just maybe, it's because you're broken and live in world where difficulty is manufactured.
The book is called, "Compelled: A Memoir of OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder, and Faith...Sometimes," by Tim Blue.
Go. Read. It.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Anger
Anger is a powerful thing to behold. I never considered myself as a person that struggled with anger. Anxiety, worry, and distrust...you bet. But anger, no way. I don't even like conflict and yet anger has found a way into my heart. It actually feels a lot like an anxiety attack. It bubbles up and then tightens your chest like an unexpected bear hug. Maybe that's why I didn't see it coming.
But here I am, angry and probably a little pride-ridden too. What or whom I'm angry about is beside the point. People and circumstances will always frustrate you. Don't count on that NOT happening in life. The real issue at hand though is what anger does to our insides. It's like a whole world is happening in our minds that only we are privy to. We mull over past conversations, scenarios, and even fake scenarios of future occurrences we think will happen. And all the while our hearts are changing, morphing into people we wouldn't care to be friends with.
Sin is ugly like that. Remember those anti- smoking ads from the 90s that said something like, "if what happened on your inside happened on your outside, would you still smoke?" And then we see a shriveled up human head and lung set that is black, gooey, and charred. Umm gross. Kind of makes you think though, would we let anger set foot in our souls if we knew who we would become. Because at the moment I am distracted, irritable, attempting to control situations, sending words I wish I could take back, and definitely not looking to the Bible or prayer to calm my anxious heart. Not to mention the fact that I'm downing Easter Peeps like it's my job. (Sigh, emotional eating...for another blog)
I mentioned my state to a friend and he quoted a story about a woman who asked God to remove her resentment. The story ends where the woman is challenged to pray for others what she would pray for herself. So...I'm supposed to pray for good health, peace, humbleness, kindness, and the rest of the good fruits for others? Challenge indeed. But I think the story might be onto something. Prayer changes your insides too...slowly and surely weaving through holes and binding up our broken hearts.
Dear God,
I'm angry. I hate the way a lot of things are right now. And I'm prideful in what I believe is the best way to proceed in life. But you are none of those things. Change my heart as you change my loved ones and circumstances. Fill our hearts with humbleness and wisdom and remind us who is really driving. And break our hearts too if need be. If that's what it takes to melt away the stubbornness and cling to the only thing that does not sink.
Help us believe when everything says we shouldn't.
Love,
Kate Johnson
But here I am, angry and probably a little pride-ridden too. What or whom I'm angry about is beside the point. People and circumstances will always frustrate you. Don't count on that NOT happening in life. The real issue at hand though is what anger does to our insides. It's like a whole world is happening in our minds that only we are privy to. We mull over past conversations, scenarios, and even fake scenarios of future occurrences we think will happen. And all the while our hearts are changing, morphing into people we wouldn't care to be friends with.
Sin is ugly like that. Remember those anti- smoking ads from the 90s that said something like, "if what happened on your inside happened on your outside, would you still smoke?" And then we see a shriveled up human head and lung set that is black, gooey, and charred. Umm gross. Kind of makes you think though, would we let anger set foot in our souls if we knew who we would become. Because at the moment I am distracted, irritable, attempting to control situations, sending words I wish I could take back, and definitely not looking to the Bible or prayer to calm my anxious heart. Not to mention the fact that I'm downing Easter Peeps like it's my job. (Sigh, emotional eating...for another blog)
I mentioned my state to a friend and he quoted a story about a woman who asked God to remove her resentment. The story ends where the woman is challenged to pray for others what she would pray for herself. So...I'm supposed to pray for good health, peace, humbleness, kindness, and the rest of the good fruits for others? Challenge indeed. But I think the story might be onto something. Prayer changes your insides too...slowly and surely weaving through holes and binding up our broken hearts.
Dear God,
I'm angry. I hate the way a lot of things are right now. And I'm prideful in what I believe is the best way to proceed in life. But you are none of those things. Change my heart as you change my loved ones and circumstances. Fill our hearts with humbleness and wisdom and remind us who is really driving. And break our hearts too if need be. If that's what it takes to melt away the stubbornness and cling to the only thing that does not sink.
Help us believe when everything says we shouldn't.
Love,
Kate Johnson
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Concrete
Totally had one of those moments last night where you hear something rephrased that you think you've known all along and it rocks your world. Lately my posts have been about a struggle with measuring up and making sure God and I were a-ok. And the tension is that I should know we're ok, I've been in church my whoooole life.
My mom took us Sunday morning and night as well as Wednesday night. I've sat through felt-board Sunday school lessons, puppet shows in children's church, vacation bible schools, youth group, and so on. I was told about Jesus' love for me, about what he did on the cross, and what his resurrection really meant for us all. I should know this by heart and yet I still want to enter his good graces by not doing the wrong thing. I still fear his disappointment in me when I make a poor choice.
But last night Dot Bowen said something in Bible study that changed everything. (Dramatic phrasing I know, but it really did!)
She said, "Did you know that you cannot change the character of God?"
God is infinitely good, loving, and the author of grace. He cannot be anything but that. There is NOTHING that I do that will change his character. My sin nature cannot change his affection. Sin hurts and changes me...not him.
So there you have it; His concrete character and the way he feels about me is staying put.
Cue the music in the background...
"On Christ, the solid rock, I stand
all other ground is sinking sand"
My mom took us Sunday morning and night as well as Wednesday night. I've sat through felt-board Sunday school lessons, puppet shows in children's church, vacation bible schools, youth group, and so on. I was told about Jesus' love for me, about what he did on the cross, and what his resurrection really meant for us all. I should know this by heart and yet I still want to enter his good graces by not doing the wrong thing. I still fear his disappointment in me when I make a poor choice.
But last night Dot Bowen said something in Bible study that changed everything. (Dramatic phrasing I know, but it really did!)
She said, "Did you know that you cannot change the character of God?"
God is infinitely good, loving, and the author of grace. He cannot be anything but that. There is NOTHING that I do that will change his character. My sin nature cannot change his affection. Sin hurts and changes me...not him.
So there you have it; His concrete character and the way he feels about me is staying put.
Cue the music in the background...
"On Christ, the solid rock, I stand
all other ground is sinking sand"
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