Safe

I haven't been to the dentist in 2+ years. This is terrible. I've had my excuses but now things are calm and the time is there to go. So why don't I make an appointment? It's simple, I'm afraid of what they'll find. Two years of neglect will most likely result in major dental work needed as well as cash money. (Insert wide-eyed emoticon) And to think this could have been avoided by making my yearly appointment.

Our spiritual lives are a lot like this. We hold back from talking to God or spilling our secrets to a friend because we're afraid of what will happen. We're afraid we might actually have to rip the bandage off and expose our wound as well as tend to it. And because this is frightening we go on our merry way and tuck it deeper inside until so much time has passed that you could have sworn it was gone.  Out of sight and out of mind.

This can't be what God intended. Denial, tucked away pain, and fear of the exposed do not sound like  safety in a Father we are supposed to trust. They sound like lies. Lies we tell ourselves for a sense of safety that are in fact false. God should be safe. And the reason He is safe is because he busts those lies wide open. Fear of what he'll find is nonsense because he already knows. And as you confess and lift your eyes up toward him he helps you unpack the tucked away pain and fear. It was never about what he might find, it was always about him restoring you through Christ.

This is not and should not be something new you've heard if you've sat in a chair at church. But it still might be new if you have yet to experience exposing an old sin or wound because you're afraid of what will be found. So please please remember restoration is ours because He is SAFE and Jesus made sure of this on the Cross. 

*Go take a listen to the worship song "He's good good Father" 

The Helmet

Home to Me

It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.  I love that statement, now more than ever.  It's from blogger and writer, Myquillan Smith.  Recently Jeff and I moved into our very first home. An actual home that is ours, well in 360 more payments it will be.

I wanted to love it here immediately. I wanted to be proud of it. I wanted my family and friends to love it too. The truth is though I didn't love it at first. It was a blank canvas away from my home and everything I knew. Suddenly I missed the tiny condo that smelled and felt like us. It was only the next town over but the difference of miles felt long and wide. We used to pass our favorite restaurants and well groomed sidewalks on the way home. Now we pass a roller rink and hay pasture. I realize this sounds snobbish and I truly apologize because it does. Thank God He humbles.

At first I wanted to change it all. Walls, floors, counters, windows, even new vent registers. Suddenly I needed new everything because I thought that would make me happy and fun to show others. But what I got was the wrong paint colors and an over-budget list of things that cannot happen yet. Seriously, my room looks purple and not gray. And in the right light, the down stairs looks a bit peach. Nope, didn't want peach.

Let the humbling begin. At first it was a little cotton, a mirror and a few of my milk glass pieces that suddenly created a vignette on my mantle that felt a little like me. And then it was simply using what I had to decorate my new canvas. Pictures went up and a new yellow rug was laid. And it began to come together, not perfect but together. New neighbors were met and the most beautiful sunsets shone over the pasture. In fact I love every sunset now over that pasture as I drive. Reminds me of my Grandfather's farm. And don't be surprised if Jeff and I skate a few laps and gain a few bruises at the roller rink as we remember being young. God reminded me that our new home didn't have to be perfect but instead a place we call home, filled with love for Knox and others. I want it to be a place of rest and peace. I love this home now and I love that God decided to gift us it.

I think any home can be your dream home if you love it enough to let it be you. So thank you Sterling Court. May the memories commence...

We are never on our own

I am currently overwhelmed. Phew, a lot is going on. Do you ever do that, honestly sit down and look at your plate of your busyness. It's not the best idea if you want to rest easy afterwards. But do I listen to good reason? No.

We are moving in 26 days. I should probably be packing up our life instead of blogging while Knox naps. Jeff is speaking at a camp next week, which means I will be on my own for 5 days...with a 4 month old. We close on the house next Friday. Need to find a babysitter while I'm thinking about it. Knox has his PT appointment in 1.5 weeks in which we will most likely be told he needs to wear an orthotic helmet for his left-sided flatness. So I'll need to fit in an appointment for Orthotics soon. Also found out insurances don't always cover helmets. We are also renovating our new home so currently trying to find painters, floor people, and granite people. These people need to see the property so we have to schedule estimates with our realtor to help us continue to get into the home for them to measure. And all of this takes money that we want to use wisely.  I also know I need to be looking for a job in the back of my mind, which means I need to be thinking about childcare too. And above all I am caring for a 4-month old. He's only been around for 17 weeks. I'm still a baby mama who's trying to figure it all out.

These are all wonderful things. "Rich" people things too, I know we are blessed.  But its a lot. The world tells us to spin it around and around in our minds while Jesus tells us to rest in today. I can't rest though God, I'm busy remember?  Rest Kate, He says again. Rest in today and the fact that you are not alone.

Its actually quite a statement for someone to tell you that you are in fact not on your own. And its an entirely another powerful statement for you to say in return, "I believe you."  I think God never leaves us whether we believe or not, but I also believe he wants us to believe in his promise too. I think he knows we need this assurance and it saddens him when we walk as if their are only one set of prints.

I can't get it all done today and that's ok because I was never meant to. Today I'll pack up books, just books, play with Knox, and make pizza for dinner all the while knowing something greater than I is holding my hand and my future.

Body Shaming... myself

I gave birth 11 weeks ago tomorrow and wouldn't you know it I already believe my body should be back to pre-baby weight and then some. I thought I'd give birth, breast feed, and only drink vegetable juice. Ugh...no so at all. Most days I think about taking Knox out for errands just so I won't eat for an hour.  I couldn't swing breast feeding with having to take anxiety meds and most days I dream of oreos. I seriously think about them a lot. That yummy cream in between chocolaty goodness. I want to eat like 7 ALL THE TIME. (Heavy Sigh) So sometimes I eat 3 and then later stand on the scale or look at myself from all angles with disgust. I still have a baby bump, but its a fake one. Not the cute belly you had at 3-4 months pregnant. This one is squishy and feels like a trampoline made of teddy bear stuffing. I fear its here to stay.

So in between the thoughts of oreos, bikinis, and body disgust I try to remember something else. I just had a BABY.  I've been through a lot and I'm surviving new motherhood. I should be proud I even showered today or that I made my bed and put the pillows on. And dang it I can eat an oreo or two. But seriously, God can't be pleased with me hating my body and putting unrealistic expectations on myself to be a SELF magazine girl.  I also know he probably was sad when I didn't have a baby at all and I still body shamed myself.

This topic is tired and the articles, blogs, and bible verses of loving yourself still don't seem to penetrate women body views. I don't have the answer either.  But maybe a start is grace for yourself. Maybe we eat one oreo, hug ourselves, pray for strength to carry on with a Godly mindset of health.  And its ok if the oreo is double-stuffed.

Little One

I just put you down for your nap and after swaddling you tight you looked up at me and smiled. Precious little one, how I love you so. 

Our days are filled with play mats, musical elephants you haven't quite grasped yet, and bottles and snuggles.  Daddy and I praise you for lifting your neck and getting through tummy time though we know you hate it.  And then you sleep again and a new day begins.  So this is having a baby, this is having you. My mother told me this would be the hardest job I'd ever love. She was right. I am tired but my insides are also all mush. Filled with love I've never known before. 

Soon you'll be 3 months old and I'll wonder where the 12 weeks went as winter goes to sleep and spring arrives. But I know this won't be the last time I will wonder where time has hidden from me. I am old enough to know that time will always hide from me and you will always be one day older. One day, one month, and one year and I will be powerless to stop it. You'll grow up and away from me. And this is as it should be. But little one I am already sad about this. How sappy I am. 

So today I will remember that you always smell like baby lotion. That your hands are cold and your feet are warm and how this is confusing to me. That you don't like hats. That you smile when Jeff talks to you and you talk back when he sings.  That when you're the happiest you show it by pulling your legs up and grin until your eyes disappear. And that you love music and get quiet when we play it. Oh, how I love you so. 

Sleep tight little one. I'm glad you're still little. 

When things are wonderful...

Over that mountain and waving goodbye to the valley. Phew. That sucked.  Postpartum icky-ness was NO joke. I am by no means out of the woods because life will always be life and anxiety has a way of saying hello and dropping in for tea. But it no longer defines me and more importantly it is not defining my days and minutes. God is SOOOOOO good. Which brings me to my thoughts lately....

When you are coming out of a dark patch and life is good we, Christ-followers, tend to not desperately need Him as much. Or is it just me? After I had Knox I prayed like water for a parched soul constantly. I begged God for relief and hope and peace and so on. I promised his Glory for my answered prayer. I even currently seek out others with postpartum to encourage them. I really do not want to forget what God has done because I honestly feel joy. My sweet boy makes my heart smile and my days are filled light and joy. O Happy Day! But have I prayed with such diligence or talked to him about my day with such fervor as before? Well no... I have to admit I have even sat down at the end of the day and thought to myself I haven't even talked to Jesus today.  I don't even know where my Bible is or my prayer journal. Collecting dust underneath the nightstand?  Did I just treat one of God's greatest lessons for me like a vending machine...again? Why do I do that?

I wrote a poem once in high school asking God to sear upon my heart my lesson in order for me to never forget his faithfulness. Apparently this has been an issue for awhile and I am not sure of the answer.  Perhaps it is having a thankful heart in all we do. Jesus Calling, a popular devotional, writes of having a thankful spirit a lot. The author believes that thankfulness keeps a Christian in  constant communion with Christ, which ultimately becomes a theme woven throughout our days when things are wonderful. And maybe just maybe this thankful heart will be what reminds us that God is faithful and good when valleys return.

I am in love

When I look at my post below and how I feel as I type now I am quiet. But I'll try again as I tried then to speak into words what my heart is saying.  I shall begin with my utmost for His Highest.  In the midst of a trying time when nothing makes sense God did not sweep in and save the day because there was no sweeping in. He was with me when I pushed my beautiful baby into this world and he has yet to leave my side.  And over the next few days and weeks when I was pretty sure I was crazy, like legit crazy, He was there.  In fact when I begged him to take away the anxiety and He didn't in my timing something changed in me, something I hope always stays.  It was a choice I made. A choice to believe in my faith and to believe that God is good even when I am not.  I think about the worship hymn lyric, "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back."  So yes, no turning back.

 (photo cred: Joy Cannis)

Each day has been better than the last and God has given me peace to begin motherhood. I am absolutely in love with my baby. Sometimes I can't wait till nap time is over so I can see his smile. I even rock him to sleep sometimes, even though Babywise says not to, because I know he won't be little for long. And gone will be the days that he chooses my cuddles over playing with toys and exploring this world.  Oh dear, I may cry thinking about it.  My sweet Knox, I love you!  

A good friend of mine that has known more pain than I know reminded me that I was chosen as his mommy. Me. I was chosen by God. Another reason to know I am not alone. I love you too God. Thank you for hope. 

"They are Weak and He is Strong"

I'm not sure how to start this post...mostly because I am still processing how I feel.  I can't promise this post will be articulate or that maybe I should wait until the words are clearer in my mind but I made a promise and I want to keep it.  I promised God I would give him all the glory.  So here is my story, my current story and perhaps a lot of my past as well.

I have anxiety. I have depression. They are battles I have known in the past and mountains I have crossed and tried not to look back upon.  I hate them both. And I spend a lot of my time convincing myself not to beat my mind up for what it cannot help. For those that travel these roads with me know this is not an easy battle nor a downhill journey.  Its hard. Just plain hard. And I guess I wonder why I didn't see what was coming as something that may be harder on me because of them.  I just didn't know to ask.

3 weeks ago I delivered a healthy baby boy. It was a tough delivery of 24 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing with a worn-off epidural. But alas, he was here.  It was not magical, it was hard. Hollywood lied.  I have never used more energy in all my life or prayed harder.  Most of it was a blur. Exhaustion is a powerful thing to behold. But labor ended and then life began. 

I was beyond excited to be a mom. I had been counting down the days and minutes for 9 months or really since I was an early teenager.  "Wife and Mom," were always my answers to what I hoped the future held. And here I was with a new baby and a great husband. The future was here. But so was the cracking dam.

I awoke the next morning after delivery and have every day since with an overwhelming sense of anxiety.  My days are currently filled with bouts of panic, overwhelming thoughts of caring for a human, fears of it never getting better, guilt over not bonding as I had pictured, and just plain exhaustion.  Oh and some good ol' stomach pains too.  Something I had wanted for so long had become something I questioned was a good thing for me. And that thought itself absolutely wrecked me.  My sweet little innocent baby deserved the world and my stupid mind wouldn't let me give it to him.

I have become aggressive in fixing it. Doctors, God, counseling sessions, and desperate prayers.  On the days I feel like fighting my thoughts are that this has got to go and quick or I'll be swallowed whole.  But where is God when the trees stay still though you beg them to sway.  He's still here even when I don't understand. And my God, I want to understand.  And though I don't... here is what I do know:

I am still weak and He is still strong and I'm still here.

Still Pregnant

My baby is due today.  And since I'm here at home drinking Folger's coffee (it doesn't taste good) and blogging I think its safe to assume that this is a regular Tuesday. Pregnancy has been an interesting adventure of emotions, fears, and faith. I found out at 3 weeks along that I was pregnant so I can assure you that I have felt every day of this 9 (really 10) month stretch of time.  Everything Jeff and I have done has been associated with this day.  There are fill in the blank months/days till January 27th so we must do this fill in the blank task. And here we are.  It's finished, my son has cooked through. Kitchen is closed.

My mind has been easily swayed to believe that today is now incredibly anti climatic. But I must fight this and remember.... Remember lots of things really. I truly believe the only way to be thankful and invite God in to our lives is to stop and reflect.  The world can make this impossible which is why devotional time, prayer, writing and so forth are easily lost in the recesses of our minds. Life moves fast. Ferris Bueller said so.   So here are a few of my reflections:

1) Dollar store pregnancy tests are just as accurate as the expensive ones.  I will always love that second line appearing on my .99 test more than anything.

2) The sound of a heartbeat coming from something the size of a lego man is astounding. I had such a hard time with this one. I struggled to believe that God would give me a good thing.  Anxiety is so evil in making you fear the worst. But there it was, the thump thump thump of a gift.

3) Nausea. Ugh, this is the worst. Everyday walking around hoping you don't hurl on something or someone. In my case I never vommed...I just had that feeling that I was about to. This went on for 20 weeks.  Jeff once asked me to rally and push through it one night. That conversation did not go well.   He's been an angel ever since. See, marriage enriched.

4) Friends. There have been some incredible women in my life that have loved me and our baby so much with showers, dinners, and walks/convos etc.  That kind of love is humbling. Oh how I love you each.

5)Sleeping... Apparently sleeping on your back is no good because it doesn't present the best blood flow so that leaves you with your sides. This was and is super hard for me. I truly believe my baby hates me on my side because he hates being on his side. He kicks like a dog trying to get under a fence and run away. I constantly switch sides and he lets me know, "no, thank you mom."  I lay awake most nights on pinterest or playing solitaire. I also truly feel for my shoulders and hips. The bigger I've become the more weight these poor bones have had to withhold.
* Still trying to find the silver lining in this one but the sleep you do get is magical and for that I am thankful.

6) Tests and scares.  I had a few of these. Fluid found on his neck and being suddenly at risk for pre-term labor were my top scares.  What if something was wrong with him plagued me.  Was I strong enough to care for a child with special needs?  Did I do something to cause it?  Where are you God? These are tough questions for any mom and you run through all the scenarios in your mind.  In the end you have to trust that God is in control even when you feel lost.  I reached out to anything to gain my bearings and God had to once again teach me to let go. This is a battle you will not win. So I learned to stick my white flag in the ground and go take a nap.

7) The sudden desire to have him stay in because omg I ain't no mom. I like to sleep in, go to target any time I choose, and not have to worry with pediatricians and school and having to remember to be responsible for something for 18+ years.  My parents didn't get rid of me till I was 29.  I can't do this.  And then the subtle prodding from the Holy Spirit that Yes, I can.  That it will not be easy but it will be a privilege and a calling. This is a great feeling.

So there are a few of my reflections. I know there are more but I need to do laundry before this baby comes. It might be the last time I actually finish the laundry.  God is faithful and I know babies do actually come out. So I'll wait. He's worth it and so have the last 9 months been.