December Hope

The holidays can be a difficult time. Maybe it’s the first year without a loved one and one less stocking to hang. Families are missing soldiers on active duty far away in the Middle East. The hospitals are busy with new diagnoses and grim circumstances. Clouds of financial crisis and unpaid bills loom over our heads with the realization that 2013 may do us in. And today there are those that are burying their little ones because of unsolicited evil last week in Connecticut. Kind of makes you wish December would be better passing us by. Everyone has a story. And maybe Christmas 2012 is one of the hard chapters.

I think it would be easy to wish the holidays away, even understandable. But I think we might miss something in the process. And no, I won’t go into commercialized sayings that Jesus is the reason for the season or that Christmas is about giving and not receiving. It’s more than nativity scenes, carols, candles held on Christmas Eve, and reading Matthew chapter one. It’s about hope. And while those are all wonderful holiday traditions they mean little without the message of hope defining them.
After the fall of man and the beginning of choice the world had little hope. Our poor choices introduced famine, murder, sickness and so on. How heartbreaking for God. I read once in a Tozer book about the attributes of God that He could only be good and that it was impossible for Him to be anything but. This truth highlighted something for me in the midst of our own present day darkness. If God can only be good and if He is the characterization of love then sending a savior in human form was the beginning of hope. Hope that in the middle of pain and tragedy that we could still hang on because someone already made a way for us. The tiny baby that grew to be the sacrificed Lamb of God changed it all. In one birth and in one death God demonstrated love through hope. And that is why we still have courage to walk through December.

Waiting

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I awoke and immediately my mind got to work. I thought of my mom and what tomorrow will hold for her and for all of us. She is waiting to hear if the cancer is back…
I wasn’t panicked as I usually would have been. I kept thinking about my eyes and how my world changed so quickly when my vision failed. But to God it was no big deal. He knew I would be prescribed the medication and that seven days later my body would react to it. He knew I would see eye specialists, miss work, cry buckets of tears, and doubt Him. He also knew my sight would slowly return as well as a new found sense of trust. I didn’t know how it would all turn out, but He did. And I guess a return of the big C would be the same. God knows the results and the next year. Nothing about His control or sovereignty has changed. Somehow I found comfort in that.
I just got off the phone with my mom. It’s back. It’s time to be carried, as I always have been. God is in control. Only now I know it’s not just a saying on a greeting card. It’s true.

30

Am I really turning 30? I feel like I’ve reached that age where time is effortless in moving; when suddenly you wake up and its 10 years later. And you say things to children about remembering when they were babies and how you can’t believe how tall they’ve become. Who I was at 20 and who I’ve grown to become are two very different girls. As my 30th approaches I can only reflect and smile at what has been and what will be.
The 20’s are shaky. Stability is the goal but change is really the protagonist. So much occurred it’s difficult to remember it all. I had my heart hurt more times than I care to share via facebook message and text. Nothing like unrequited love to present itself through social media. I grew a part from my parents and ached to start out on my own. Necessary? Yes, but stopping to understand your childhood is over is often an afterthought too late. I should have savored the feeling of “home.” I watched my mother endure cancer while at the same time realizing even moms can’t be strong all the time. It’s ok to rest. I ended relationships where I had played married and therefore had to play divorce. Turns out guarding your heart really was a good idea. I began jobs and learned I liked order and distasted micro-managing. I was independent, who knew? I also learned that no one could be harder on me than me. Maybe I’ll relax in my next decade. I became an aunt to three beautiful little boys and discovered I loved them like they were my own. Each time one was born they found a little home in my heart. Being with them became one of my favorite pastimes. I formed friendships that actually defined true friendship. When someone drops everything to listen they really do care. Moving to a new apartment each year became a way of life which meant new roommates and experiences. I still can’t believe I allowed a roommate to keep her aquarium on the kitchen table with her gecko inside. No, I wasn’t ok with the black light that kept him warm and lit up our dining nook. I took a turn for the worse and sunk into a depression where you grab for anything until you just don’t care to care anymore. These moments defined me most because they allowed me to see what was broken and begin to heal. I think I found God too, as cliché as that sounds. I guess I had to believe I really lost him to know He was always there. I met a counselor that sent me running in the right direction. I began grad school and then I dropped out of grad school and wondered what that meant about me. Was I a quitter? I worked at American Eagle with high school students as a 24 year old because that’s the only place that would hire me. Folding tank tops with a college degree and covering a shift for a teen because she has a football game is a sobering enlightenment. I stopped attending my childhood church and became acquainted with the mega church. This brought about a lot of new realizations about grace and how it was ok to be a mess. And finally I met a guy, a really great guy that I didn’t like. And then I did, but by then he had a girlfriend. And then after shedding any pride that was left I told him I liked him and we fell in love. We planned a wedding and now I’m married. MARRIED! Craziness. Oh, I also went blind for two weeks. That was fun.
I guess my reflections aren’t really that different from others, but they’re mine. And I suppose it’s only in cheesy milestone birthday moments that you look back and know a lot has happened. It was a decade that shaped me and I’m glad it did. So with glasses raised here’s to 30.

Still

A few weeks ago I prayed for faith. I felt I was lacking it and needed a boost. If I had more faith I could overcome the down days, concentrate, laugh, and roll with the peaks as well as the valleys. It had to be that simple. More faith = strength.


My battle did indeed come. Jeff and I were returning from a weekend trip 2 weeks ago when I began to notice my vision blurring. Assuming I was just tired I went to bed and hoped for restful sleep. In the middle of the night I awoke and walked into our bathroom and flipped the switch. The mirror reflected nothing but a swirl of blurred colors. I rubbed my eyes and blinked rapidly but to no avail my eyesight remained blurry. Panic ensued. Later in the day I developed small water pockets on my eye balls. Awesome. What in the world was happening?

The next few days involved doctor visits, new prescriptions, and finally a diagnosis. I had developed a rare side effect from a new medication. The actual lenses of my eyes had changed due to increased eye pressure and water retention. Unbelievable! I couldn’t process it; how in the world had so much gone wrong in such a small amount of time??

My friends and family were hopeful that this was just a bad circumstance that would soon correct itself. I couldn’t get there though. I kept trying to chin up and believe that God had a plan but I wondered if God’s plan didn’t mean getting better. What if it meant something new? In the end my prayer was desperate and completely unsatisfying to me. It simply stated, “I’m so scared and I can’t believe good in this so help me actually have faith at all.”

Today my eyes are on the mend. The lenses have corrected themselves and I am patiently awaiting the dilation to dissipate. Pockets are gone too! It’s going to be ok. But I am only beginning to learn meaning in this. I read a devotional this morning that encouraged us to welcome God’s trials instead of praying for a quick cure. I thought about my desire to fight and how it felt so heavy to stand up to depression and fear. I thought I needed to do my part and that fighting back was the lesson to learn. Immediately the verse in Exodus came to my mind, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” (Ex. 14:14) My plan subsided for a moment and in the clearing was a new truth. I cannot fight this my way. My body couldn’t even fight off nearsightedness.

I am a weak girl, but God already knows that. The difference now is that I’m beginning to know that. God is always fighting for me and the realization that I can’t buck up and be strong is one of the warmest thoughts I’ve had in a long time. I cannot do this on my own. His desire is for stillness and I think my journey to understand that has only just begun.

Dear God,

(Heavy Sigh) Here I am, again.  I am so many things Lord. I say the wrong thing. I don't live my life above reproach. I should go the extra mile, but I don't.  I should get up and get to work on time. I should even work out and drink more water, but coke is so good. I push away when love calls me near. Why do I do that? I should give myself a break too, but can't do that either. I'm just a sinner. Just a girl having a hard time and trying to go it alone. When will my stubborn will fade away?

Its Thanksgiving next week, but I guess you know that. There really is so much to be thankful for, but my spirit lacks the joy. Doctors tell me to hang in there, this one will work. 6th treatment plan later I am glad my hopes have never banked on their good intentions. That's not true, sometimes I have. But you know that. I listened to Louie Giglio's message on anxiety and one thing tapped me on the shoulder and  has not stopped. He said it was BIG and to not forget that. He also said that it was an attack on your spirit. An actual detailed precise plan to wreck you. God, don't let it wreck me.

I don't have it all together. I may never, I think you're waiting for me to realize that, not you. Giving up is your greatest plan for me. It allows a clear path for your love to envelop my tired and anxious heart. I try so hard to fix me. And I keep thinking this is the day, this is the day I'll have success. But how wrong I've been. How so very wrong.

You are God. I am not. I give up.

Bleh...I feel fat.

If you’re girl and if you’re girl with anxiety then I’m pretty sure you don’t get to mark body image off your list of worries. And if you do I want to meet you and study your healthy logic. I am most definitely unhealthy in this department. I eat cobbler and feel guilt and then I feel guiltier because I’m the one that baked it! I choke back tears when I learn my BMI at my annual physical. I buy pants too big for me on purpose so that I don’t feel them digging into my stomach. I disregard compliments from my loved ones and convince myself that my body can be better. Sound familiar?

This is NOT a new topic. And yet the solutions we’re offered don’t seem to penetrate our stubborn minds. What do you tell yourself when you didn’t make the healthier choice and choose carrots as your snack? What if you chose cookies? What if you watched a movie and didn’t go to the gym? What if both of those examples happened on the same day? You’re not always going to hang out at LA Fitness and crave raw veggies because working out sucks and carrots are only good with ranch.. So…how to stay healthy mentally with regards to body image is not an easy task.

If it was really about healthier meals and cardio don’t you think we could just jump back on the wagon the next day and not beat ourselves up mentally? Nope. It’s alllllllllll mental. Just like anxiety. The things you feel after a bad eating choice and what you tell yourself are far worse than extra calories. The expectations we put on our bodies when comparing ourselves to others is outrageous. It isn’t fair. But neither is anxiety.

And on this side of heaven I’m not sure I’ll wake up and suddenly love my body. But what I can do is fight. Fight like I do with anxiety. Tell myself, “ok, you ate a lot of Biscoff cookies, let’s not buy those anymore.” And then move on, put the scale away, watch a movie, and go for a walk. Maybe even journal what you liked about today and how tomorrow is new. Try a gym routine that is conducive to your schedule, 3x a week instead of seven is actually ok. I know it sounds after school special-ly, but it’s a start.

Rabbit Foot

Well I did it. And by did it I mean I: - Got. Married. -Went to Mexico -Survived Customs & Security -Flew over WATER the whooooole time -Experienced another culture (Cancun totally counts guys) -Learned to sleep with a boy in my bed Its been a big 10 days thus far. Lots of things for me to easily fear and ball up with angst. I'm not sure why I didn't see it coming, why I didn't know that anxiety, unfortunately, is still the parasite within me that threats to spread and grow. Anxiety doesn't care for change and it really doesn't like multiple changes all at once. Its Anxiety 101 and yet I didn't see it. I had 3 days of bliss and then it shoved me hard and ran away laughing like the bully. I turned to silent praying and requesting tiny miracles to get me through the day. And it occurred to me that I was treating Christ like a rabbit foot. A soft piece of fur radiating luck when rubbed. "God, help get through customs ok." "God, calm my heart and give me peace." "God, let Jeff understand that I'm not crazy, just a little anxiety-ridden over marriage." "God, its me again, can you do this too...?" I think a lot of anxious people reach for their rabbit foot when feeling out of control. It makes for a sturdier existence, even for just a minute. But then I am reminded by Jeff that you have to ask yourself, is God still good even if my heart doesn't become calm or the Mexican Border Patrol believe me to be a person of interest at random? Is he still good Kate? Yes, I say while stroking the foot. Yes, he is still good as long as he does what I say and things are smooth. I am still just a baby Christian, even after 23 years of believing. I still see favor with God as a result of good behavior. I'm still gonna reach for a disgusting hot pink foot with counterfeit fur and a key chain. In this case God was incredibly faithful to us and protected us during our first trip. But I think I learned a little something about my rabbit foot mentality. I have to step beyond the vending machine when my day hasn't become calm. When my heart is pumping like a Red Bull drink on an empty stomach for 12 hours. And when one bad day turns into a several bad days. I have anxiety. Its ugly. But God is still good.

I do.

T-minus 9 days till I dooooooooooooooooooooo. Till I say yes to forever with my best friend. And everything else that includes that I’m not privy too yet. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m ok or if I need anything. Secretly I wonder if they think I’m going to run away and not look back. (I’m not, I don’t even have enough money for rent). Or maybe they think my anxiety will grow like kudzu and swallow me. I’ve feared this as well. But I’m not in that place nor am I in blissful diva-bride mode either. I’m in a quiet place with lots of thoughts swirling around my mind. I’ve always been fascinated with time. The idea of a moment in time you cannot retrieve again is incredible. It’s an imprint of a happening on your heart. Major or minor… it’s there. My mind is filled with those moments. Memories of growing up, learning about Christ and then not grasping it till my twenties, and all the ups and downs of just being in my twenties. Please know I don’t view my life as complete now because I’m changing my last name. Marriage doesn’t complete you, that would be waaay too much pressure on your significant other. But so much change is underway, so much to walk through, so much joy too. Don’t get me wrong, these are ALL good things. But their paths are dark right now and the anxious are planners! We need to know what’s ahead. How can I prepare? What goes on my mental to do list? The answers are nothing and nothing. So I’m sorta quiet. Reflecting upon what I’ve been through and maybe just maybe how it’s prepared me for this next step. I want so much to be a good wife. To know when to shut up, to encourage, to not say sarcastic things, and to really learn how to fold a fitted sheet. I want to already be good at everything for Jeff. But that is not how God works. You don’t get to know, to be perfect. He requires of us one thing: hold onto to Him. Time will go on and I’ll make a ton of mistakes and a lot of memories. It will be a new journey. I guess that’s what I’m thinking about. Quietly preparing for. I love you Jeff.

It's all good in the hood.

My mom mentioned to me that she read my recent blog aloud to my Dad. And he quietly asked after, "is Bug ok?" (Katy-Bug nickname). Poor Daddy, He loves me so much but feels powerless to help me. I think a lot of our loved ones feel that way sometimes. Its hard to mother, father, or be in any relationship with someone like me. Am I putting myself down? No. Just saying is all I'm saying is that its tough to watch a loved one beat a dead horse or cry tears of stress. So this, my faithful community, is a blog for you... You are awesome. You are patient. You are loving. You are prayerful. And for all these things I am thankful. The rest of my kind is too. You are my hug on a dreary night, a shoulder on an uncertain afternoon, and a word of love on an anxious morning. But most importantly you are not in this alone. You cannot fix the stress or shadow me with your wings. Hold my hand? Yes. But take it all from me? No. Ever watch someone attempt to comfort an anxious baby who isn't their mother? It doesn't go that well. My sister mothers 3 little boys. The smallest is Ben, 17 months and growing. She recently went to get him from his nursery class on a sunday morning and found him to be beside himself with tears and grief. We attend a mega-church so of course there was a line of parents waiting to receive their child. But when they noticed that Ben was crying out for Kelly they stepped aside and let her get to the front. Once in her arms, Ben was comforted. That's all he needed. In Psalm 131:2 it states, "Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother.My soul is like a weaned child within me." Ready for my parallel story lesson? Ok, go. When I am stressed I need my Savior. I need to remember to rest on His strength. To quiet and soothe myself with the only thing that will satisfy. You are my supporters that push me forward and only remind me that I want my one thing. I want my Father, like Ben wanted Kelly. So cheer me on. Hug my soul. And push me when I reach out for quick-fixes that aren't the cure. Keep Praying and know that I'm ok. I love you each.

stop flagging the ship down

Ever beat a dead horse? What does that expression even mean? Is that how we find out if a horse has stopped breathing? Kick it? Seems harsh and yet the expression is real and happens every day. Especially for someone who’s anxious. But what if that doesn’t get done…But what if they’re angry….But what if I needed to do that too?...But what if…. Ugh, makes me feel like a kicked horse thinking about it. If you struggle with the worries then you’ve definitely heard someone say to you, “you need to calm down” or “you’ll make yourself sick with this worry.” These are not helpful phrases and to the anxious they are merely obstacles in the way of whatever situation you’re trying to solve or keep from happening. So the result ends up being where we started. Dead Horse. Kicked unnecessarily. Now to leave a dead horse alone, in fact to run from a dead horse, will take some hard work. My counselor says a fight and battle even. She told me to think about the worry as a stage 4 metastasized cancer. Once the cells begin to reproduce and go unnoticed they multiply and run free in the bloodstream, infecting all the major organs and ultimately taking your life. Extreme comparison? Maybe, but isn’t that what anxiety really is? Just a big quality of life sucker. Yep. Its not fair to you or your loved ones to be zapped of energy. We’re just going to have to fight like H*LL to bury the horse and call a spade a spade. Remember to smell the roses. Laugh even. Insert ____ helpful expression. I’m privy to “That ship has sailed, “ so by all means stop flagging down a ship that won’t come back for you. Makes life much more pleasant.

attitude

My attitude is not great lately. It seems more bad days are occurring than good and when these days ensue I just want to crawl into bed and start over again tomorrow. It’s exhausting to be stressed and for those who attempt perfection …this is difficult. I never deemed myself a perfectionist until I dug a little deeper through the ways of anxiety and discovered it’s kind of a big part of it. We just want things smooth and easy. Not possible my friends, not even close. In the midst of planning a wedding, re-working a budget, taking pre-marital classes, and moving into a new condo things are a bit hectic. Did I mention a wedding in 50 days? My expectations are colossal. And the thing about expectations is that they are man-made myths that exist in your head alone. No one else has access to the recesses of your mind or the details you want perfect. We’re all just trying to make it and keep on keepin’ on. God doesn’t have time for perfect and neither should we. And yet I still never miss my opportunity to announce my unhappiness with something or my desire for something to be better or different or so on… A young acquaintance of mine recently informed me of an upcoming surgery she will be having next week. A complete colectomy! She’s losing her large intestine on Tuesday and I’m complaining about wedding lists, the price of cokes, and cleaning. She hasn’t even expressed fear or anger. She just hopes she gets to return to school in time. My heart falls for her situation and I sigh in shallowness over my “problems.” I have no problems, just a busy time that will come to pass in 50 days. I don’t have to worry about how I will do without my intestines as a teenager. Such an incredible girl that is teaching me a lot. So there you have it. Shut up Kate and love what you have and what is to come. Pray for those around you and for Pete’s sake relax!

I always need a host.

Dearest Victim, Oh the road you’ve traveled and time you’ve spent with me…At every bend and twist you’ve tried to lose me, kick me out of the mind. But I’m still here. I lay low at times of ease but thrive when stress thrives. You take your SSRI’s and journal away my lies but still you give me hosts. I always need a host. And as long as you give me one I’ll gladly stay. Think of me as a parasite that feeds on the nutrition of worry. The very second you entertain a worry you entertain me. Your counselor reveals my tricks, calls me out on being a host. Her megaphone of truth is clear but yet you still let me drive. I am your excuse…your comfort… your sleepiness and etc. Stress is unavoidable, this life will always present it but I can be managed. I can be mal-nourished. It’s honestly up to you. I’ll just get bigger. I’ll just keep attaching myself to things. I’ll even become so much a part of your personality that you won’t remember the days of compromise, sweet tea, and a breeze. So here’s your time. Draw your line and find warmth in the Light. Till then…yours truly, Anxiety

No Way Out

I recently heard Andy Stanley compare marriage to our covenant with Christ. As soon as we entered into that relationship with Him there was no way out. It was a done deal. Signed, sealed, delivered (forgive my Stevie Wonder reference, love him). There was nothing we could do to make him revoke that covenant or walk away from us. And so it is with marriage. We must enter into our marriage with the same reverence. Jeff and I are currently in a mentor study group with an elder couple that is preparing us for our upcoming nuptials. The study is called 2 to 1. Two = one seems to be replaying in my head. It’s not an equation that makes sense and from the outside looking in it could easily be mistaken as losing your identity. But on the inside it is something much more powerful. It is probably the most vulnerable thing I will ever do next to humbling myself before Christ. Vulnerable in the sense that there is nothing that will not be exposed. Just last night I cried in Jeff’s car after admitting one of my biggest insecurities. Turns out he already knew about it, I’m not that clever. But he just quietly listened and then told me he loved me anyway. I didn’t wake up today magically ready to share all either. I still feel shy around him and what the future holds. Anxiety doesn’t let you off the hook that easily. It’s difficult to let someone in. Even with the silly mundane things. I sometimes leave the refrigerator door open. I don’t why. I butter my pop tarts. I add honey to just about everything and I even make up soups in the crock pot. Sometimes it tastes good, but a lot of times it doesn’t. These are things I’ll have to share. But the reward is that as we become one the trust intensifies. So much so in fact that with every conversation, fight, storm, and memory a foundation is built stronger. Someone always has your back. Someone who turns out to be the best friend you’ll ever have. Just a small replica of the great covenant between you and Christ. So here’s to no way out. Here’s to the first stone of our foundation. I love you Jeff.

Love Letter to God

I’m not sure how you do it. How you manage to listen to my woes while calling the stars into place. How you still love me even when my temper is lost and I haven’t called to you in days. How you close my eyelids when I beg for sleep without me saying goodnight or thank you. How you hold my hand and help me up after a fall I’ve fallen a thousand times. Your encouragement and forgiveness is constant. Your sweet desire for oneness is humbling. You long to sit with me and listen. Because you have time. You love for love is who you are. You never left me in the darkest of nights. I could have sworn you did when I pleaded for a sign, but darkness is not darkness to you. You are light even when I am dark. Your word tells me there is no place I can go that you are not. The depths are a scary place but you sat with me anyway. Nothing could separate you from your covenant to be my father. How do you do that? And after what felt like a million nights of loneliness you brought me my best friend and love. A small piece of your devotion for me to touch. A tiny reminder that my hand is held. That my needs are never lost. And that surrender is the only way to love. You never tire in telling me my worth. I know this as I breathe every breath and begin my day. I do not deserve a tomorrow. None of us do but somehow you had to get my attention. What greater love than to lay your life down right? You died a single death to make me see. To put this pain behind us so we could love freely. I’m not sure how you do it… I can never be grateful enough or good enough to show you thanks. I am not meant for works but for love. You wanted it that way. You wanted love. Only love. I love you sweet Father and I am learning every day what that might mean. Don’t give up on me. Kate

Worry. We all do it. We let it take over. We obsess, and if we have anxiety we really obsess. Ugh, I hate it. I can’t stand it when God wises me up and I realize how much time it’s taken from me. How many hours and days that I can’t get back… time I can’t make count. I think God knew that this would be one of the biggest struggles that his beloved would suffer with; after all there is actually a lot to worry about. As I write this I am in the thick of planning a wedding and preparing for marriage. I kicked anxiety to the curb and told a really great guy I loved him too. But then life happened and I knew I had a future to control. I needed a wedding that wouldn’t break my parent’s piggy bank, a guest list that wasn’t overwhelming, delicious food, dazzling pictures, a house to rent, money saved, and a healthy perspective of marriage. And a lot of other little things to decide and check off post-it notes. These are not bad things to accomplish, but the control of worrying about them creates an unhealthy idol. I used to think the commandment, “you shall have no other gods before me,” was about the Israelites and a golden calf. I remember thinking, “ok got it,” I won’t worship a statue or ask it for things. I see now just how healthy and useful that commandment really is. Idols are worthless. The golden calf that enraged God & Moses was a symbol of distrust. After the provided food and protected shelter from harm they still didn’t get it. They still asked a worthless item for security. We do the same damn thing! We look at a budget, problem, or decision and let it rise up. Mulling over a worry somehow gives us false security and control. And there it is. Control. It is the root of worry and the attempt to manage a future we can’t possibly see. This also happens to be the definition of anxiety. The fear of “what if” and the measures we take to avoid it in order to feel safe. But we aren’t in control and the Savior asks us to look at our problems in another light. He is urging us to remember that worrying subtracts time and that we have a God that knows what we need and when we need it. “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” Matthew 6:27 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33 Pretty straightforward and relevant.

Can't stop to cry, I'm busy getting stronger

Today was one of those days that I didn't feel like fighting. I had a doctor appointment this morning and was excited with what I thought was good news. I was understanding a little more about where I was at in my trek. I'm not sure what I thought doctor would do or say after I shared with her my findings (journaling, analysis, and keeping a calendar of bad days) but her response was nothing new. She said all my findings, feelings, and thoughts all boiled down to the root problem: I have anxiety. My brain processes differently and therefore it is best for me to take some meds to help it(brain) along as well as continue to see my counselor to strengthen my emotional toolbox.

I just felt defeated for some reason and although my loved ones attempted to cheer me on it didn't seem to penetrate. I was tired of it all: the money, the sleepless nights, the counseling, the explanations to my friends, the naps, the tears, and the pain. All of it sucks. There is no other word than this immature term to describe it. It makes you angry and honestly want to sit down on your journey road. So where does that leave me, us?

I have to know that I am not alone on these days. I know there are others of you out there that have had days just like mine today. I hope just one of you reads this someday and perhaps gains a little bit of hope. It is why I write after all. I have to believe that God can use these types of days for good.

I guess my takeaway from today was the word "strength." This word didn't come till muuuuuch later in the day. I was driving home from Bible study and listening to the Ginny Owens song "If You Want Me To" and one of my favorite lines caught me. It says, "Because I'm not who I was when I took my first step." Powerful. You aren't, you know? I am not either. I have traveled sooo far, covered so many miles, and endured days like today. The human body is weak, we cannot go it alone. I guess that's why Jesus stressed it so much that his power is made perfect in our weakness. That a part from him we can do nothing. That we are the branch and He is the vine. Every step I've had to take needed strength. And it didn't come from me.

So you see this trek is not for nothing. I just wanted to encourage you and myself that oh my gosh are you strong! Have you ever listened to a friend talk about a trivial issue and wanted to scream, "You're fine! You didn't breathe your way through a panic attack today did you? You'll figure out what to wear tonight..." And I don't say this to say to put yourself on a pedestal of "Im the most tragic" and therefore you deserve the respect of everyone you meet. Nope, not gonna happen. BUT I do say this to remind you that you are being shaped in your journey by the Vine. That his strength has gotten you this far. You aren't who you are when you took your first step. Kind of a miracle isn't it...

Faith

There comes a time in everyone’s life I believe that you have to come to grips with the raw-ness of faith. When it doesn’t matter that you know the verses about it, that you’ve taught others about it, that you’ve sang about it, professed it boldly to non-Christians, or written about it for years. What is faith? Is doubt a part of it? What does faith mean in relation to love? These are game-changer questions. And their answers set the course for your life.

In AA one of the first steps of healing is admitting that he or she is powerless to change their circumstances and that there is something greater than them that is in control. These are broken people where alcohol has very little to do with their problems. This program that has worked for decades and helped people integrate back into society alcohol-free is based on one dynamic principle. I can’t make myself better and therefore I have to believe that something greater than me is in control.

I don’t think AA is responsible for this principle though. They just knew where to look to help alcoholics see their circumstances differently. Faith. The dictionary tells us that it is a belief that is not based on proof. Hmm, a belief that doesn’t need evidence. A confident conviction in something. How can one be so confident and have such conviction for something that isn’t based on anything but faith? And there it is, your impasse. The place you ask faith to either hold your hand or step aside as you continue in search of proof.

I don’t think God meant faith to be a textbook with many facets and layers to uncover and memorize for the final end of semester exam. Why would a teacher give you a test that he knows you aren’t equipped to fully grasp and therefore bubble your scantron with certainty. Faith isn’t meant to set you up to fail. I think God knew when we forsook his trust for our own in the garden of eden that we would never be able to rest in certainty. That the journey would always be hard and the tests never passed. And that just wouldn’t do for Him. We needed someone to catch our fall, to help us through. And so he sent his son. To do what we couldn’t and yet still pass. A savior for us to have faith in. To let fight for us when we can’t. Something bigger than us that is in-control when we are powerless to fix it ourselves.

It is only by faith that we can hold onto to anything in the fury of the storm. I have been a Christian my entire life. I have a lot of head knowledge but not a lot of heart knowledge. I’m currently camping out at this impasse now. And I have feeling others are too, some Christians, some non-Christians. I think we all camp out there at some point. The important part though is that we decide. We pack up and make a choice. We don’t know the road, the bumps, the smooth terrain, the desert, the rain or the end ahead. I don’t think that we can know, we just need to know that God knows and we have the faith to believe him.

How great is our God that he lets us camp and decide?

Let it Go.

I heard once that the anxious-minded do not trust themselves. I suppose this makes sense but it never bothered me till recently. "I don't trust myself," seemed too much to admit and yet it was painfully obvious to accept.

Over the last few weeks the verses in Psalm 3:5-6 have come to my mind. A reminder that I believe has become my life verse. The book of wisdom had been speaking to me, duh Kate. To trust in God, to give up the crutch of my neuro pathways, and to acknowledge the One who walks behind, beside, and before me. And what do you get in return? A straight path! Isn't that what we all want? Especially the anxious-minded? We just want a path we know is safe. We may not see around the bend or even that the path crosses many pot-holes. A safe path does not mean a path is without pain. The path is straight though, that we are promised.

Further down in Chapter 3, God gives us a little more insight in walking the straight path. Vs. 26 states," for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." Confidence. The firm trust in something other than yourself. We cannot choose our paths ultimately but we can choose our confidence. Anxiety plants you still. No growth. No air. No life.

So I'll end with a plea to you and to myself. Let it go. Your damaged thought patterns are the means to your fear and distrust of yourself and Christ. A safe path awaits you. Just let it go.

who tells you who you are?

Setbacks can be tough with anxiety and depression. They usually force you to look at your circumstances with different lenses. You stop in your journey and sigh at the road ahead, SO MUCH ground to cover. So far yet to go. Its easy to get frustrated with yourself and begin to believe that no ground yet has even been covered. That you are right smack back at the beginning and thats an awful place to be.

Tonight I am anxious. My heart is pounding, I'm a little concerned how sleep will go, and I'm wondering what my body is doing. Things have been good lately, great even! But last week I started feeling anxious and it kinda stayed with me, like a dull back pain that you try to ignore. And when I did give it attention it grew by two-fold. And here I am.

My counselor mentioned that sometimes prayer is used as a means to feed anxiety. This sounds untrue, but if you constantly fret and state your worries to God then your mind is anxiety focused only. It is not thinking about Christ or WHO he is. She encouraged me to pray the names of God, to dwell on his power. I even read Jesus Calling (excellent devotional book) today and it stated that the more you focus on your worries the less you concentrate on God and tension occurs. It encouraged you to thank him for the answers and as a result your focus changes. So tonight I started a new resolution. My first for 2012. I wrote out my worries and then I thanked Him for the answers. Am I going to be great at let go, and let God? Probably not, but I think I'm more concerned with seeing through new lenses.

I wrote in my journal, "its anxiety not an identity." I think we need to remember this the most. Setbacks, counseling sessions, every time you pop a pill, or lose sleep can be reminders that you are not well. And suddenly you have a label that you hate wearing. But who tells you who you are? God. That's the only saving grace to any of this. The world and even yourself will tell you different. Ask God to remind you who you are.