Today was one of those days that I didn't feel like fighting. I had a doctor appointment this morning and was excited with what I thought was good news. I was understanding a little more about where I was at in my trek. I'm not sure what I thought doctor would do or say after I shared with her my findings (journaling, analysis, and keeping a calendar of bad days) but her response was nothing new. She said all my findings, feelings, and thoughts all boiled down to the root problem: I have anxiety. My brain processes differently and therefore it is best for me to take some meds to help it(brain) along as well as continue to see my counselor to strengthen my emotional toolbox.
I just felt defeated for some reason and although my loved ones attempted to cheer me on it didn't seem to penetrate. I was tired of it all: the money, the sleepless nights, the counseling, the explanations to my friends, the naps, the tears, and the pain. All of it sucks. There is no other word than this immature term to describe it. It makes you angry and honestly want to sit down on your journey road. So where does that leave me, us?
I have to know that I am not alone on these days. I know there are others of you out there that have had days just like mine today. I hope just one of you reads this someday and perhaps gains a little bit of hope. It is why I write after all. I have to believe that God can use these types of days for good.
I guess my takeaway from today was the word "strength." This word didn't come till muuuuuch later in the day. I was driving home from Bible study and listening to the Ginny Owens song "If You Want Me To" and one of my favorite lines caught me. It says, "Because I'm not who I was when I took my first step." Powerful. You aren't, you know? I am not either. I have traveled sooo far, covered so many miles, and endured days like today. The human body is weak, we cannot go it alone. I guess that's why Jesus stressed it so much that his power is made perfect in our weakness. That a part from him we can do nothing. That we are the branch and He is the vine. Every step I've had to take needed strength. And it didn't come from me.
So you see this trek is not for nothing. I just wanted to encourage you and myself that oh my gosh are you strong! Have you ever listened to a friend talk about a trivial issue and wanted to scream, "You're fine! You didn't breathe your way through a panic attack today did you? You'll figure out what to wear tonight..." And I don't say this to say to put yourself on a pedestal of "Im the most tragic" and therefore you deserve the respect of everyone you meet. Nope, not gonna happen. BUT I do say this to remind you that you are being shaped in your journey by the Vine. That his strength has gotten you this far. You aren't who you are when you took your first step. Kind of a miracle isn't it...
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