A few weeks ago I prayed for faith. I felt I was lacking it and needed a boost. If I had more faith I could overcome the down days, concentrate, laugh, and roll with the peaks as well as the valleys. It had to be that simple. More faith = strength.
My battle did indeed come. Jeff and I were returning from a weekend trip 2 weeks ago when I began to notice my vision blurring. Assuming I was just tired I went to bed and hoped for restful sleep. In the middle of the night I awoke and walked into our bathroom and flipped the switch. The mirror reflected nothing but a swirl of blurred colors. I rubbed my eyes and blinked rapidly but to no avail my eyesight remained blurry. Panic ensued. Later in the day I developed small water pockets on my eye balls. Awesome. What in the world was happening?
The next few days involved doctor visits, new prescriptions, and finally a diagnosis. I had developed a rare side effect from a new medication. The actual lenses of my eyes had changed due to increased eye pressure and water retention. Unbelievable! I couldn’t process it; how in the world had so much gone wrong in such a small amount of time??
My friends and family were hopeful that this was just a bad circumstance that would soon correct itself. I couldn’t get there though. I kept trying to chin up and believe that God had a plan but I wondered if God’s plan didn’t mean getting better. What if it meant something new? In the end my prayer was desperate and completely unsatisfying to me. It simply stated, “I’m so scared and I can’t believe good in this so help me actually have faith at all.”
Today my eyes are on the mend. The lenses have corrected themselves and I am patiently awaiting the dilation to dissipate. Pockets are gone too! It’s going to be ok. But I am only beginning to learn meaning in this. I read a devotional this morning that encouraged us to welcome God’s trials instead of praying for a quick cure. I thought about my desire to fight and how it felt so heavy to stand up to depression and fear. I thought I needed to do my part and that fighting back was the lesson to learn. Immediately the verse in Exodus came to my mind, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” (Ex. 14:14) My plan subsided for a moment and in the clearing was a new truth. I cannot fight this my way. My body couldn’t even fight off nearsightedness.
I am a weak girl, but God already knows that. The difference now is that I’m beginning to know that. God is always fighting for me and the realization that I can’t buck up and be strong is one of the warmest thoughts I’ve had in a long time. I cannot do this on my own. His desire is for stillness and I think my journey to understand that has only just begun.
1 comment:
Hi Kate... Jeff and I are friends from a few years back, one of my favorite people! I have just started following your blog, and want to tell you I am so thankful for your transparency and honesty. So many times, in just a few posts, I have felt like I'm reading parts of my life from the past 10 years, and sometimes the present days, when anxiety rears it's ugly head and threatens to swallow me whole. Thank you for being so real.
I had a frightening, faith-shaking, take-your-breath-away experience much like yours about 10 years ago. And it's funny... I was praying for brokenness before it happened. And as I was remembering that part of my journey and reading your post, the scripture that God lead me to back then came to mind- Exodus 14:14. I was about to post that to encourage you, but of course, God was encouraging me and reminding me as well as I saw it in your post. :) So thank you, for being faithful.
All this to say... you are not alone in this. I am not alone in this. He's fighting for us, and in that, we can find rest. And isn't God so amazing and overwhelming?? Life is messy. But I'm learning it's a beautiful mess, full of moments and glimpses of Him, like I have seen today reading your story.
Praying for stillness for your heart today!
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