2011

New Year's Eve...most over-rated holiday of all time. My motto: Keep your expectations low and you'll have a fabulous night. But, it does have its perks-it allows you to look at the past year and reflect upon the good, bad, and learned. Stuff right-brained people love! So here it is...my reflections:

1. I told a guy I liked him. So not me and I would never recommend this to any girl. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest when I spoke to him. But 4 weeks later, he called. I'm glad he did.
2. My bank account is the lowest its ever been. But I am THANKFUL for counseling, for doctors, for God using them.
3. Anxiety is still with me but we're not as close friends anymore.
4. My 3rd nephew was born. He is the best addition to our disfunctional family.
5. Facebook lost its luster with me. I think this might be healthy.
6. God is for you. This is a huge concept for me to grasp. I'm almost there.
7. I saw a little bit of leadership in me at work. A little.
8. Broken people are the best people. They've left the room of good intentions and are always ready to greet you in the room of grace. (TrueFaced)
9. skinny jeans are great. I was late in loving them
10. I have crafted more in the past 6 months than in my entire life. I blame you for this Pinterest 100%

Happy New Year!

Moral Failure

Sigh…what a season. I have been going non-stop at work and taking a long with me a lot of negative energy as well as numbness. I had been doing slammin’ (who doesn’t love a good slammin’ reference) and then I crashed. My counselor would say it’s a multiple of things and she’d be right, but I also think I’ve forgotten what Christmas is meant to mean. I think it’s quite simple to not get enough sleep…to hang at the food table at parties-over indulging…to not take time to rest…to heavy sigh at your co-workers…to gossip like a machine…to snap at your parents…to dwell on the hurt of a sibling…to worry about money…to curse at traffic…or to even hate the weather-why the flip isn’t it cold? And then comes the big one… Expectations. Expecting to feel a certain way about the holidays, wanting to have Christmas spirit, and looking to feel warmth in your heart before the season ends. The perfect dinner, party, date, or family experience is a difficult perfect to reach. And when it’s over and you stop to think about where you’re at you sometimes find that empty is where you are. This is especially easy when your anxious or depressed brain feels the most comfortable in the dark. Where are you Zoloft?

Yesterday I had about five minutes before I had to be at a party and I flopped down on my bed and attempted to pray. All I felt was ugh. I was disappointed in myself and I knew talking to God had not been on my radar. I wasn’t living Philippians chapter 2 or really any of the Bible. It was 3 days before Christmas and not yet had a Christmas carol, church sermon, or devotional penetrated me. I hadn’t thought about the manger. It’s still hard to comprehend a God that loves you SO much that he was thinking about you so long ago. He knew I was inadequate in every way. That more prayer, more volunteer time, more sacrifice, more church wasn’t going to make a perfect me. And there it is, that simple. I needed a savior. My counselor told me once, “Congratulations, you are a complete and utter moral failure” (Tim Keller). I didn’t think about it then but a congrats is the perfect preface to our human moral conflict.

So with that I pray you take time to dwell upon the nativity and to remember that empty doesn’t have to stay empty. It’s never too late to remember Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Sideline Fans

If we were made in the image of God and God LOVES relationships then I'm pretty sure we weren't meant to go it alone. Especially during difficult seasons. My first homework assignment in counseling was to form my "team." She told me I had to have people surround me, people that really loved me. Authentic love. This was tough because it meant being real. It meant coming out of my cave and asking for help. The antithesis of depression.

But it was the first tiny step into the light. It defined friendship for me. Being able to call or send a text to my loved ones and knowing they were praying was comfort. Emails of encouragement, stories of their victories, and coffee dates proved to push me more into the light. I didn't see it then, but every conversation was an answered prayer. I assumed God forgot me, at least for a little while, because I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand why the peace didn't come. It seemed so easy for Him to just divvy out. But He gave it in another way. Support came through those who were willing.

It seems simple, but to be willing is a choice. Life is crazy. We spend days in a hundred different places in our minds and to stop to hold a hand is willed effort. I hope I'm someone's call one day. I hope my selfishness never clouds a cry for help. I am thankful mine was heard.

My Feelings are Broken

There is a great quote from C.S. Lewis that states, "Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." This concept has stayed with me the last few weeks as a reoccurring theme in where I am at in life. Feelings are a huge part of how I relate to people, interpret circumstances, and process relationships, especially my relationship with Christ. I'm a girl after all, we're in the business of feelings. I grew up in a highly emotional church, where if you weren't feeling it then something was up. Something was in the way between you and God. I spent a lot of my teen and college years trying to feel God and hang onto that warmth and peace I felt from time to time. It was exhausting.

So you can imagine a bout with depression and anxiety has brought me no relief in the feelings department. My feelings are broken right now. I can't trust the cliche phrases of, "trust your gut" or "what is your heart telling you?" I'm taking meds to find my gut and my feelings are so up and down I don't want to find rationale and logic in them. It simply isn't there to be found anyway. Feelings are not facts. That is the first thing that a good counselor will teach you and keep teaching you.

I don't know why feelings are present in our lives. I know they bring a lot of comfort and joy in situations and I suppose we'd be robotic if we didn't have them, but what about God. What are we supposed to do when we don't feel him? When we can't remember the last time we did? I think Lewis is saying that is where faith comes in. Faith is truth despite broken feelings. Believing in the Bible even when we're numb. Singing the worship songs and listening to the lyrics even when you don't feel like singing. Being there for a friend when you'd rather be at home. And believing in God even when you don't feel like you do. Because the truth is...feelings can't define who you are. God defines who you are. And faith is letting Him in spite of changing moods.

What if this never goes away?

I think this is the most powerful question that anxiety and depression hold over you? It can plague every minute you are feeling low or come out of nowhere and cause a low. It is so powerful in fact that even a good day is not remembered when it strikes. I hate this question. And I'm sure if you've ever experienced mental unrest then you do as well.

So what are we supposed to do with it? My counselor has many of times mentioned to me that I let anxiety have its way with me. That I get in the car and let it drive, forgetting that I can get out at the next stop. Forgetting that I have options. I think the sad part is that we don't or won't think positively in these times. I struggle with my relationship with God the most in the darkest moments. I am usually asking HIM the question and interpreting my feelings of blackness as His answer. And as a result numbness sets in. Where is my loving Savior that wants to help me, to make me whole?

I have not mastered these times at all, but I have learned a few truths. And maybe If I type them out then I can remember them and lesson the power of this question. I have learned that feelings can't determine His presence or not and that feelings can't determine really anything. (So why do we have feelings?!!!!!???//another blog) I have also learned, thanks to A.W. Tozer, that God is not a liar. He cannot be anything but truth and therefore His word, our precious Bible, is not lies. If He says he won't leave you, won't give you more than you can handle, and that He is our refuge then this is truth. I, we, are not in the index of the Bible as a small note that states the word applies to all except (insert name) in the year 2011. It simply can't be.

So where is He? And what is the answer to this question? He is right beside you in the grocery store, traffic lane, or moment alone in your office. And maybe He's not fixing your fear immediately but instead holding your hand. Not what I would choose, but what do I know. And the answer to the second question is yet to be determined. It may stay, it may disappear one morning never to return, or it may pop up every once in awhile. Everyone's story is different. I suppose the healing lies in something different. I'll let you know when I find out. :)

God Bless,
K

Counseling...yes or no?

Counseling….yes or no?

YES. I’ve heard the concerns and worries from my friends and from my own mind and none of them hold meaning anymore. Once you find a good counselor, it’s hard to remember the fears of opening up to a stranger or figuring out how to divulge years of pain in 50 minutes. I was worried she would make me write my feelings out and tell me to repeat a mantra in the midst of anxiety. But mostly I was worried that she just wouldn’t get it. Thankfully this was not my case. I met my counselor through a referral from a friend (the best way to go, by the way) and we began our work a little over a year ago. Most of my healing I truly believe has been in that little room on Monday nights through the opening up and allowance of God to reach the closed off places of my heart.

It has not been easy however and it has been at the hands of me for this difficulty. I feel like there are things people should know about counseling before entering into this type of relationship. Here are a few of my lessons, sometimes painful, learned. Tried and true, I promise.

1)Do not expect your counselor to be your friend. They care about you, pray for you, but in the end they want you to be the best you and they aren’t afraid to hurt your feelings and ask you the tough questions. These details sound like a friendship…but you can’t exactly call he or she anytime you want. Plus their friendship costs money.
2)Money. It will take a lot to help you. Budget for it. Put back the clothes and purse or shoes. Mental health is important. Besides who cares about your new clothes if you’re too sad to wear them. Do not be surprised when you view your account and a big dip has occurred. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself this is where I’m at. I need a little extra help.
3)The counselor actually wants you to try the homework they give you. Anxiety will tell you, “you know best” but they are the professional. They studied a lot about people like you and they know some things you don’t. I am just now seeing my counselor as smart. I tell her I am one of her tough cases. But I suppose I didn’t have to be…
4)You will go in with one issue and come out thinking about 20 new ones. This is normal, they aren’t trying to get you to stay. They are showing you that tough stuff is connected and must be looked at before understanding and healing.
5)It is perfectly ok to be annoyed with the phrase, “How does that make you feel?”
6)Do not go if you are not going to open up. You are wasting their time and yours. They want to help you, and trust me, nothing you say will shock them. I heard once that anxiety was the biggest bluff your body plays on you, so let them help blow its cover.
7)You may not make a lot of progress at first. “At first” can last a long time too. That’s ok. The tide turns when it’s ready. Just do your best.
8)God is not absent in therapy. It feels like He is a lot. I don’t have a lot of guidance with this. Sometimes leaving counseling I felt worse. But you also get to talk about God and learn about who He really is and not what your pain has projected him to be.
9)You may go broke. I cannot stress this enough.
10)If it’s not a fit, don’t stay. You’ll find someone that is and be glad you did. I left a counselor once for telling me to find my happy place as remedy. I paid and never looked back.

Word Candy

I love quotes. If I was a part of a magazine, I would beg for a page to have "Kate's Corner" and include all sorts of fun quotes to make you smile, think, and hang on. Here are a few current favs:

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. ~John Aughe

Psalm 9:9 The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you

"Life is life, fight for it."~ Mother Teresa

You should feel better in 4-6 weeks

I dislike it. At one point in time I hated it. We're sorta friends now. This took a lot, and I mean A LOT of time. I once stared at a pill for 20 minutes before taking it. For all I knew my liver was going to be in trouble if a stroke didn't get me first. I think we all have seen the commercials where the side effects are voiced quickly in the end as you watch someone laughing and walking on a beach. Or maybe you've even heard the controversy of how meds can sometimes have an adverse effect and cause you to plummet even lower.

I was terrified last year when my doctor prescribed me drugs. Would it change me, change my brain? Maybe nothing was really wrong with me and I didn't need them. These thoughts were on repeat as I waited at CVS. I had never had anything in my system stronger than an antibiotic and now I was going to pop a pill everyday that helped regulate brain chemicals. Eeek. My counselor helped me sort through my fears, but its been a long road.

I'm not sure how I came to be at peace with it, but at some point I had to put my trust in my doctor and my counselor. I had to believe that perhaps this was a season where I needed a little external help, that God was going to be with me when I swallowed. And with me when I had to change medicine by weaning off the old pill and introducing a new one. And with me when I had to take an anti-anxiety pill on top of the daily meds because I was having a rough day. And with me as I finally closed my eyes when my sleeping pill kicked in because the anxiety was too strong to relax. And with me through every headache, stomach-ache, dizzy spell, and fatigue day. Even typing this I sigh at how much he has had to intervene for me in this journey. Grateful doesn't seem big enough to say.

The picture above is the side effects and drug information that came with my newest medicine. I had to laugh at it and snap a pic before crumpling it. (It was front and back)

part of a club no one talks about

There has got to be some crazy statistic that states 3 out of your 5 best friends are currently popping pills for some type of emotional unrest or wondering if someone else feels like they do, right? At least that is what I tell myself to feel better…and not feel alone. I didn’t think depression and anxiety would be a part of my daily vocabulary in my late twenties. In fact I didn’t think I would be medicated for it or spend my hard-earned money on counseling and psychiatry visits. I wasn’t prepared to work the hardest I had ever worked before to only move two steps forward and five back. I questioned myself and my faith until I came to the end of me and then I would start the process all over again the next day. If this sounds depressing, well it is, you’re right. (It’s called depression) But there’s a glimmer in there too. That’s the thing about trials and God. You are never left the same. Most of the time you come out on the other end changed, and for the better is what they tell me. I’m still hoping for this glimmer.

Someone really wise recently told me that if God never takes away my anxiety then I would have to figure out a way to carry my suffering for His glory. To change the way I viewed it and praise God anyway. So this is it. My vulnerability, my blog, and my praise in the midst of pain. I pray you find solace in knowing you are not alone, that some days are hard and that’s ok, and that laughter helps too.