My Feelings are Broken

There is a great quote from C.S. Lewis that states, "Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." This concept has stayed with me the last few weeks as a reoccurring theme in where I am at in life. Feelings are a huge part of how I relate to people, interpret circumstances, and process relationships, especially my relationship with Christ. I'm a girl after all, we're in the business of feelings. I grew up in a highly emotional church, where if you weren't feeling it then something was up. Something was in the way between you and God. I spent a lot of my teen and college years trying to feel God and hang onto that warmth and peace I felt from time to time. It was exhausting.

So you can imagine a bout with depression and anxiety has brought me no relief in the feelings department. My feelings are broken right now. I can't trust the cliche phrases of, "trust your gut" or "what is your heart telling you?" I'm taking meds to find my gut and my feelings are so up and down I don't want to find rationale and logic in them. It simply isn't there to be found anyway. Feelings are not facts. That is the first thing that a good counselor will teach you and keep teaching you.

I don't know why feelings are present in our lives. I know they bring a lot of comfort and joy in situations and I suppose we'd be robotic if we didn't have them, but what about God. What are we supposed to do when we don't feel him? When we can't remember the last time we did? I think Lewis is saying that is where faith comes in. Faith is truth despite broken feelings. Believing in the Bible even when we're numb. Singing the worship songs and listening to the lyrics even when you don't feel like singing. Being there for a friend when you'd rather be at home. And believing in God even when you don't feel like you do. Because the truth is...feelings can't define who you are. God defines who you are. And faith is letting Him in spite of changing moods.