When I look at my post below and how I feel as I type now I am quiet. But I'll try again as I tried then to speak into words what my heart is saying. I shall begin with my utmost for His Highest. In the midst of a trying time when nothing makes sense God did not sweep in and save the day because there was no sweeping in. He was with me when I pushed my beautiful baby into this world and he has yet to leave my side. And over the next few days and weeks when I was pretty sure I was crazy, like legit crazy, He was there. In fact when I begged him to take away the anxiety and He didn't in my timing something changed in me, something I hope always stays. It was a choice I made. A choice to believe in my faith and to believe that God is good even when I am not. I think about the worship hymn lyric, "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back." So yes, no turning back.
(photo cred: Joy Cannis)
Each day has been better than the last and God has given me peace to begin motherhood. I am absolutely in love with my baby. Sometimes I can't wait till nap time is over so I can see his smile. I even rock him to sleep sometimes, even though Babywise says not to, because I know he won't be little for long. And gone will be the days that he chooses my cuddles over playing with toys and exploring this world. Oh dear, I may cry thinking about it. My sweet Knox, I love you!
A good friend of mine that has known more pain than I know reminded me that I was chosen as his mommy. Me. I was chosen by God. Another reason to know I am not alone. I love you too God. Thank you for hope.
1 comment:
Kate! You are so right. God never once left your side through the beginning of this journey, and he will absolutely never leave you in the future! You are such a wonderful mommy and have done such a great job thus far!!! Knox is for sure blessed to have you and Jeff as parents.
<3 emily
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