If I was really honest I think I still believe pills are magic. And there is absolutely NO evidence to support this. I have endured 10 different medications and yet not one drug has eliminated the anxiety and depression. Lessoned it? Of course. But I think I am still secretly waiting for a drug to give me energy, smiles for days, and a spectacular view on life. I want this badly for my husband, family, and friends. I want to be different for them because I want to be perfect.
A long time ago I think I gave up on really liking me so I figured the people-pleaser in me rose above self-love. If I was this or that then things would start to get better and pills were just the ticket. If I could get better for them then maybe normalcy would return. In the beginning I went kicking and screaming for the medication route. Uh hello, I ain't taking any brain pills because duh, that's scary. I'll just keep reading the Psalms. And then slowly with encouragement from my counselor and friends I became ok with the fact that it was ok to need a little assistance. It also helped to know that a lot of people take meds, including my friends.
Which brings me to today; last week my doctor talked about weaning me off my current medication in hopes of starting a new one. Maybe this one would be the one. Trouble is I have to wait to start it because I'm having surgery next month and she didn't think it was best to begin a new medication until after. I must have looked heavy-hearted because she quickly reminded me that pills were not magic. Well why not?!
Because Kate, pills won't make you lie down in green pastures and stare at the clouds in bliss. Pills will not eliminate worry over money, future houses and children, family, what I want to be when I grow up, and how to be a perfect wife. Stupid sweet pills along with dizziness, weight gain, and sleepiness will only hold your hand on the journey while sweet precious Jesus carries you. I've got so much to learn about grace still, and mostly grace for myself. Jesus is quietly reminding me that perfection is relying on Him to be the best wife, daughter, sister, and friend.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
For those who's hearts are broken
It's been a rough week for our church. A young beautiful girl drifted from our earth into heaven after a tragic car accident, a new mother to-be buried her sweet baby girl just two months shy of being full term, and a family said goodbye to a mother and daughter after a rainy car accident. 1 week, 4 deaths, and thousands praying to change God's heart and asking why? What are we supposed to do with the why?
I struggled this week with what to pray. The sovereignty of God is a large and tough thing to behold. What will be will be. And our fellow believers and pastors urge us to remember that God is still good, still good in the midst of darkness. It is so difficult to wrap your head around why he would want them early and why his best is take them from us. But you see that sentence is from our eyes. Our human eyes and hearts that cannot fathom an existence without theirs. We don't know what is best. We will go down fighting believing that we do, but we don't.
His ways are higher than ours; is that from an old hymn or in the Bible? My mom used to tell me that and I think I'll spend the rest of my days attempting to hold onto the truth of it. For some reason this sad week it was time for our loved ones to enter His presence and the absence of them in our lives will never make sense. The sense to cling to is that for a purpose higher than our dust-made minds can fathom is that God knows what he is doing. And his doing is perfect.
And its ok to cry, be angry, and question him. Your heart is broken and your understanding is severely lacking from his heavenly purposes. So go ahead and be all the emotions that you are, God knows you are weak and sad and will be for awhile. But you will rise from these ashes and slowly your perspective will begin to lean into him. Forever we will be sad in the absence of loved ones but hopefully as healing comes and God touches our broken spirit we will be reminded that He is good and that one day we'll understand.
My prayer for those that lost this week is that you feel no guilt in the emotions that will come and that you cry out to your Savior. Fervently pray that He will guide you to a place of trust in your pain and that you will rise. Do not give up. Life is hard and its ok to just be right now. Just be. He is sitting in the pit with you. Darkness is not darkness to him. I love you and I am praying for you as well.
Kate
I struggled this week with what to pray. The sovereignty of God is a large and tough thing to behold. What will be will be. And our fellow believers and pastors urge us to remember that God is still good, still good in the midst of darkness. It is so difficult to wrap your head around why he would want them early and why his best is take them from us. But you see that sentence is from our eyes. Our human eyes and hearts that cannot fathom an existence without theirs. We don't know what is best. We will go down fighting believing that we do, but we don't.
His ways are higher than ours; is that from an old hymn or in the Bible? My mom used to tell me that and I think I'll spend the rest of my days attempting to hold onto the truth of it. For some reason this sad week it was time for our loved ones to enter His presence and the absence of them in our lives will never make sense. The sense to cling to is that for a purpose higher than our dust-made minds can fathom is that God knows what he is doing. And his doing is perfect.
And its ok to cry, be angry, and question him. Your heart is broken and your understanding is severely lacking from his heavenly purposes. So go ahead and be all the emotions that you are, God knows you are weak and sad and will be for awhile. But you will rise from these ashes and slowly your perspective will begin to lean into him. Forever we will be sad in the absence of loved ones but hopefully as healing comes and God touches our broken spirit we will be reminded that He is good and that one day we'll understand.
My prayer for those that lost this week is that you feel no guilt in the emotions that will come and that you cry out to your Savior. Fervently pray that He will guide you to a place of trust in your pain and that you will rise. Do not give up. Life is hard and its ok to just be right now. Just be. He is sitting in the pit with you. Darkness is not darkness to him. I love you and I am praying for you as well.
Kate
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Invoking the Spirit.
Remember learning about Greek & Roman mythology in school where the story began by invoking the gods? It was as if the story could not be told or retold to generations unless the source was invoked. Somehow along the way I started thinking I had to invoke God in order to make him come alive in my life and story. Ever do that too?
Days and weeks go by and I realize I haven't spent time with him. The kind of time I believe worth it and satisfactory. For me this is soft leather journal time with my new Bible and favorite pen and of course some yummy coffee or a ginger ale (the mecca of soda in my heart will always be ginger ale). So when this doesn't happen or I realize my go-to method of dealing with a stressful situation isn't to pray or seek wisdom I start to fear I've lost him. This is really hilarious if you ponder this ridiculous thought process. I mean where do I think he's gone? Is he waiting out my storms on a lawn chair until he hears his named called? Probably not....however I live as if he is.
On the way to church this morning I thought to myself I should spend some time with God today. Someone who is referred to as "I AM" probably doesn't need to be invoked. The reality is he hasn't missed a beat of my seconds and minutes. I don't have to invite him into what is going on as if am I turning on my hair dryer. He isn't real as long as I call out to him for a conversation. He's real either way.
He is real when I mutter a quick prayer before a meeting, when I cry out for my family, when I pray on my knees for my husband, when I complain at work over and over again, when I choose television or pinterest before picking up a Bible, when I curse a friend for her behavior behind her back, when I choose over-eating to make myself feel better, and the list goes on...
I hope some of this misshapen post has made some sense. Quiet time and prayer isn't invoking his existence but instead invoking ours.
Days and weeks go by and I realize I haven't spent time with him. The kind of time I believe worth it and satisfactory. For me this is soft leather journal time with my new Bible and favorite pen and of course some yummy coffee or a ginger ale (the mecca of soda in my heart will always be ginger ale). So when this doesn't happen or I realize my go-to method of dealing with a stressful situation isn't to pray or seek wisdom I start to fear I've lost him. This is really hilarious if you ponder this ridiculous thought process. I mean where do I think he's gone? Is he waiting out my storms on a lawn chair until he hears his named called? Probably not....however I live as if he is.
On the way to church this morning I thought to myself I should spend some time with God today. Someone who is referred to as "I AM" probably doesn't need to be invoked. The reality is he hasn't missed a beat of my seconds and minutes. I don't have to invite him into what is going on as if am I turning on my hair dryer. He isn't real as long as I call out to him for a conversation. He's real either way.
He is real when I mutter a quick prayer before a meeting, when I cry out for my family, when I pray on my knees for my husband, when I complain at work over and over again, when I choose television or pinterest before picking up a Bible, when I curse a friend for her behavior behind her back, when I choose over-eating to make myself feel better, and the list goes on...
I hope some of this misshapen post has made some sense. Quiet time and prayer isn't invoking his existence but instead invoking ours.
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