If we were made in the image of God and God LOVES relationships then I'm pretty sure we weren't meant to go it alone. Especially during difficult seasons. My first homework assignment in counseling was to form my "team." She told me I had to have people surround me, people that really loved me. Authentic love. This was tough because it meant being real. It meant coming out of my cave and asking for help. The antithesis of depression.
But it was the first tiny step into the light. It defined friendship for me. Being able to call or send a text to my loved ones and knowing they were praying was comfort. Emails of encouragement, stories of their victories, and coffee dates proved to push me more into the light. I didn't see it then, but every conversation was an answered prayer. I assumed God forgot me, at least for a little while, because I couldn't feel Him. I didn't understand why the peace didn't come. It seemed so easy for Him to just divvy out. But He gave it in another way. Support came through those who were willing.
It seems simple, but to be willing is a choice. Life is crazy. We spend days in a hundred different places in our minds and to stop to hold a hand is willed effort. I hope I'm someone's call one day. I hope my selfishness never clouds a cry for help. I am thankful mine was heard.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
My Feelings are Broken
There is a great quote from C.S. Lewis that states, "Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods." This concept has stayed with me the last few weeks as a reoccurring theme in where I am at in life. Feelings are a huge part of how I relate to people, interpret circumstances, and process relationships, especially my relationship with Christ. I'm a girl after all, we're in the business of feelings. I grew up in a highly emotional church, where if you weren't feeling it then something was up. Something was in the way between you and God. I spent a lot of my teen and college years trying to feel God and hang onto that warmth and peace I felt from time to time. It was exhausting.
So you can imagine a bout with depression and anxiety has brought me no relief in the feelings department. My feelings are broken right now. I can't trust the cliche phrases of, "trust your gut" or "what is your heart telling you?" I'm taking meds to find my gut and my feelings are so up and down I don't want to find rationale and logic in them. It simply isn't there to be found anyway. Feelings are not facts. That is the first thing that a good counselor will teach you and keep teaching you.
I don't know why feelings are present in our lives. I know they bring a lot of comfort and joy in situations and I suppose we'd be robotic if we didn't have them, but what about God. What are we supposed to do when we don't feel him? When we can't remember the last time we did? I think Lewis is saying that is where faith comes in. Faith is truth despite broken feelings. Believing in the Bible even when we're numb. Singing the worship songs and listening to the lyrics even when you don't feel like singing. Being there for a friend when you'd rather be at home. And believing in God even when you don't feel like you do. Because the truth is...feelings can't define who you are. God defines who you are. And faith is letting Him in spite of changing moods.
So you can imagine a bout with depression and anxiety has brought me no relief in the feelings department. My feelings are broken right now. I can't trust the cliche phrases of, "trust your gut" or "what is your heart telling you?" I'm taking meds to find my gut and my feelings are so up and down I don't want to find rationale and logic in them. It simply isn't there to be found anyway. Feelings are not facts. That is the first thing that a good counselor will teach you and keep teaching you.
I don't know why feelings are present in our lives. I know they bring a lot of comfort and joy in situations and I suppose we'd be robotic if we didn't have them, but what about God. What are we supposed to do when we don't feel him? When we can't remember the last time we did? I think Lewis is saying that is where faith comes in. Faith is truth despite broken feelings. Believing in the Bible even when we're numb. Singing the worship songs and listening to the lyrics even when you don't feel like singing. Being there for a friend when you'd rather be at home. And believing in God even when you don't feel like you do. Because the truth is...feelings can't define who you are. God defines who you are. And faith is letting Him in spite of changing moods.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
What if this never goes away?
I think this is the most powerful question that anxiety and depression hold over you? It can plague every minute you are feeling low or come out of nowhere and cause a low. It is so powerful in fact that even a good day is not remembered when it strikes. I hate this question. And I'm sure if you've ever experienced mental unrest then you do as well.
So what are we supposed to do with it? My counselor has many of times mentioned to me that I let anxiety have its way with me. That I get in the car and let it drive, forgetting that I can get out at the next stop. Forgetting that I have options. I think the sad part is that we don't or won't think positively in these times. I struggle with my relationship with God the most in the darkest moments. I am usually asking HIM the question and interpreting my feelings of blackness as His answer. And as a result numbness sets in. Where is my loving Savior that wants to help me, to make me whole?
I have not mastered these times at all, but I have learned a few truths. And maybe If I type them out then I can remember them and lesson the power of this question. I have learned that feelings can't determine His presence or not and that feelings can't determine really anything. (So why do we have feelings?!!!!!???//another blog) I have also learned, thanks to A.W. Tozer, that God is not a liar. He cannot be anything but truth and therefore His word, our precious Bible, is not lies. If He says he won't leave you, won't give you more than you can handle, and that He is our refuge then this is truth. I, we, are not in the index of the Bible as a small note that states the word applies to all except (insert name) in the year 2011. It simply can't be.
So where is He? And what is the answer to this question? He is right beside you in the grocery store, traffic lane, or moment alone in your office. And maybe He's not fixing your fear immediately but instead holding your hand. Not what I would choose, but what do I know. And the answer to the second question is yet to be determined. It may stay, it may disappear one morning never to return, or it may pop up every once in awhile. Everyone's story is different. I suppose the healing lies in something different. I'll let you know when I find out. :)
God Bless,
K
So what are we supposed to do with it? My counselor has many of times mentioned to me that I let anxiety have its way with me. That I get in the car and let it drive, forgetting that I can get out at the next stop. Forgetting that I have options. I think the sad part is that we don't or won't think positively in these times. I struggle with my relationship with God the most in the darkest moments. I am usually asking HIM the question and interpreting my feelings of blackness as His answer. And as a result numbness sets in. Where is my loving Savior that wants to help me, to make me whole?
I have not mastered these times at all, but I have learned a few truths. And maybe If I type them out then I can remember them and lesson the power of this question. I have learned that feelings can't determine His presence or not and that feelings can't determine really anything. (So why do we have feelings?!!!!!???//another blog) I have also learned, thanks to A.W. Tozer, that God is not a liar. He cannot be anything but truth and therefore His word, our precious Bible, is not lies. If He says he won't leave you, won't give you more than you can handle, and that He is our refuge then this is truth. I, we, are not in the index of the Bible as a small note that states the word applies to all except (insert name) in the year 2011. It simply can't be.
So where is He? And what is the answer to this question? He is right beside you in the grocery store, traffic lane, or moment alone in your office. And maybe He's not fixing your fear immediately but instead holding your hand. Not what I would choose, but what do I know. And the answer to the second question is yet to be determined. It may stay, it may disappear one morning never to return, or it may pop up every once in awhile. Everyone's story is different. I suppose the healing lies in something different. I'll let you know when I find out. :)
God Bless,
K
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Counseling...yes or no?
Counseling….yes or no?
YES. I’ve heard the concerns and worries from my friends and from my own mind and none of them hold meaning anymore. Once you find a good counselor, it’s hard to remember the fears of opening up to a stranger or figuring out how to divulge years of pain in 50 minutes. I was worried she would make me write my feelings out and tell me to repeat a mantra in the midst of anxiety. But mostly I was worried that she just wouldn’t get it. Thankfully this was not my case. I met my counselor through a referral from a friend (the best way to go, by the way) and we began our work a little over a year ago. Most of my healing I truly believe has been in that little room on Monday nights through the opening up and allowance of God to reach the closed off places of my heart.
It has not been easy however and it has been at the hands of me for this difficulty. I feel like there are things people should know about counseling before entering into this type of relationship. Here are a few of my lessons, sometimes painful, learned. Tried and true, I promise.
1)Do not expect your counselor to be your friend. They care about you, pray for you, but in the end they want you to be the best you and they aren’t afraid to hurt your feelings and ask you the tough questions. These details sound like a friendship…but you can’t exactly call he or she anytime you want. Plus their friendship costs money.
2)Money. It will take a lot to help you. Budget for it. Put back the clothes and purse or shoes. Mental health is important. Besides who cares about your new clothes if you’re too sad to wear them. Do not be surprised when you view your account and a big dip has occurred. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself this is where I’m at. I need a little extra help.
3)The counselor actually wants you to try the homework they give you. Anxiety will tell you, “you know best” but they are the professional. They studied a lot about people like you and they know some things you don’t. I am just now seeing my counselor as smart. I tell her I am one of her tough cases. But I suppose I didn’t have to be…
4)You will go in with one issue and come out thinking about 20 new ones. This is normal, they aren’t trying to get you to stay. They are showing you that tough stuff is connected and must be looked at before understanding and healing.
5)It is perfectly ok to be annoyed with the phrase, “How does that make you feel?”
6)Do not go if you are not going to open up. You are wasting their time and yours. They want to help you, and trust me, nothing you say will shock them. I heard once that anxiety was the biggest bluff your body plays on you, so let them help blow its cover.
7)You may not make a lot of progress at first. “At first” can last a long time too. That’s ok. The tide turns when it’s ready. Just do your best.
8)God is not absent in therapy. It feels like He is a lot. I don’t have a lot of guidance with this. Sometimes leaving counseling I felt worse. But you also get to talk about God and learn about who He really is and not what your pain has projected him to be.
9)You may go broke. I cannot stress this enough.
10)If it’s not a fit, don’t stay. You’ll find someone that is and be glad you did. I left a counselor once for telling me to find my happy place as remedy. I paid and never looked back.
YES. I’ve heard the concerns and worries from my friends and from my own mind and none of them hold meaning anymore. Once you find a good counselor, it’s hard to remember the fears of opening up to a stranger or figuring out how to divulge years of pain in 50 minutes. I was worried she would make me write my feelings out and tell me to repeat a mantra in the midst of anxiety. But mostly I was worried that she just wouldn’t get it. Thankfully this was not my case. I met my counselor through a referral from a friend (the best way to go, by the way) and we began our work a little over a year ago. Most of my healing I truly believe has been in that little room on Monday nights through the opening up and allowance of God to reach the closed off places of my heart.
It has not been easy however and it has been at the hands of me for this difficulty. I feel like there are things people should know about counseling before entering into this type of relationship. Here are a few of my lessons, sometimes painful, learned. Tried and true, I promise.
1)Do not expect your counselor to be your friend. They care about you, pray for you, but in the end they want you to be the best you and they aren’t afraid to hurt your feelings and ask you the tough questions. These details sound like a friendship…but you can’t exactly call he or she anytime you want. Plus their friendship costs money.
2)Money. It will take a lot to help you. Budget for it. Put back the clothes and purse or shoes. Mental health is important. Besides who cares about your new clothes if you’re too sad to wear them. Do not be surprised when you view your account and a big dip has occurred. Just take a deep breath and tell yourself this is where I’m at. I need a little extra help.
3)The counselor actually wants you to try the homework they give you. Anxiety will tell you, “you know best” but they are the professional. They studied a lot about people like you and they know some things you don’t. I am just now seeing my counselor as smart. I tell her I am one of her tough cases. But I suppose I didn’t have to be…
4)You will go in with one issue and come out thinking about 20 new ones. This is normal, they aren’t trying to get you to stay. They are showing you that tough stuff is connected and must be looked at before understanding and healing.
5)It is perfectly ok to be annoyed with the phrase, “How does that make you feel?”
6)Do not go if you are not going to open up. You are wasting their time and yours. They want to help you, and trust me, nothing you say will shock them. I heard once that anxiety was the biggest bluff your body plays on you, so let them help blow its cover.
7)You may not make a lot of progress at first. “At first” can last a long time too. That’s ok. The tide turns when it’s ready. Just do your best.
8)God is not absent in therapy. It feels like He is a lot. I don’t have a lot of guidance with this. Sometimes leaving counseling I felt worse. But you also get to talk about God and learn about who He really is and not what your pain has projected him to be.
9)You may go broke. I cannot stress this enough.
10)If it’s not a fit, don’t stay. You’ll find someone that is and be glad you did. I left a counselor once for telling me to find my happy place as remedy. I paid and never looked back.
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