Body Shaming... myself

I gave birth 11 weeks ago tomorrow and wouldn't you know it I already believe my body should be back to pre-baby weight and then some. I thought I'd give birth, breast feed, and only drink vegetable juice. Ugh...no so at all. Most days I think about taking Knox out for errands just so I won't eat for an hour.  I couldn't swing breast feeding with having to take anxiety meds and most days I dream of oreos. I seriously think about them a lot. That yummy cream in between chocolaty goodness. I want to eat like 7 ALL THE TIME. (Heavy Sigh) So sometimes I eat 3 and then later stand on the scale or look at myself from all angles with disgust. I still have a baby bump, but its a fake one. Not the cute belly you had at 3-4 months pregnant. This one is squishy and feels like a trampoline made of teddy bear stuffing. I fear its here to stay.

So in between the thoughts of oreos, bikinis, and body disgust I try to remember something else. I just had a BABY.  I've been through a lot and I'm surviving new motherhood. I should be proud I even showered today or that I made my bed and put the pillows on. And dang it I can eat an oreo or two. But seriously, God can't be pleased with me hating my body and putting unrealistic expectations on myself to be a SELF magazine girl.  I also know he probably was sad when I didn't have a baby at all and I still body shamed myself.

This topic is tired and the articles, blogs, and bible verses of loving yourself still don't seem to penetrate women body views. I don't have the answer either.  But maybe a start is grace for yourself. Maybe we eat one oreo, hug ourselves, pray for strength to carry on with a Godly mindset of health.  And its ok if the oreo is double-stuffed.

Little One

I just put you down for your nap and after swaddling you tight you looked up at me and smiled. Precious little one, how I love you so. 

Our days are filled with play mats, musical elephants you haven't quite grasped yet, and bottles and snuggles.  Daddy and I praise you for lifting your neck and getting through tummy time though we know you hate it.  And then you sleep again and a new day begins.  So this is having a baby, this is having you. My mother told me this would be the hardest job I'd ever love. She was right. I am tired but my insides are also all mush. Filled with love I've never known before. 

Soon you'll be 3 months old and I'll wonder where the 12 weeks went as winter goes to sleep and spring arrives. But I know this won't be the last time I will wonder where time has hidden from me. I am old enough to know that time will always hide from me and you will always be one day older. One day, one month, and one year and I will be powerless to stop it. You'll grow up and away from me. And this is as it should be. But little one I am already sad about this. How sappy I am. 

So today I will remember that you always smell like baby lotion. That your hands are cold and your feet are warm and how this is confusing to me. That you don't like hats. That you smile when Jeff talks to you and you talk back when he sings.  That when you're the happiest you show it by pulling your legs up and grin until your eyes disappear. And that you love music and get quiet when we play it. Oh, how I love you so. 

Sleep tight little one. I'm glad you're still little.