It just seems sooooo complicated. We're told to trust, to receive the gift, and to love Him in return. But it doesn't stay that simple. In fact things get messy, sin weaves its way through our circumstances, and we're left calling some shots, asking for forgiveness, and hiding our questioning hearts. Can't let them see, right?
I was first told about sin in children's church as a kid. They told us sin was separation from God. That when we sin we are no longer able to stay in His sight. Umm terrifying. I wasn't really sure about all the logistics but I knew God not being able to see me because of my choice was not good. I had to find a way back to Him. The rest I'm sure was told to me ( not to knock my church) about how Jesus was the bridge to get us back, but that part didn't stay with me. I went home that day with a seed planted in my heart that sometimes God couldn't look at me and it was all my fault. And so began my self-preservation and constant attempts to get back across that bridge.
I also think my anxious heart was birthed. My fear that I was not good enough. That if people really saw me would they think I was a Christian? Did I really believe I was? And the best part about growing up in church is that I knew better. We know that sin is real and that only Jesus can heal (rhyme..what what!!!!). So why do we still act like it is up to us??? See, my frustration.
Tonight I had to bust out the Message Bible because Romans in my regular Bible wasn't cutting it. I couldn't understand Paul's heart. But thank you Eugene Peterson for telling me like it is. Romans 4:4-5 talks about a job that you just can't do. No matter how long or how hard you'll try the job won't get done. And believe me you'll try. Its a never-ending marathon. No 13.1 or 26.2 stickers for you. BUT trusting Jesus to do the job is what builds that bridge. Handing over the hammer, nails, and wood and dying to your own efforts sets you free. Its a gift. We were never meant to be builders.
I made a fire tonight and laid beside it and stared (that's the crazy part I'm glad Jeff didn't walk in to see). I watched the fire consume the log and then something really interesting happened. I watched the fire split the log in two. And it was then that I prayed, "God, consume me. break me. split in half and burn up my efforts. I am nothing without you. Take my pride and sear it away."
Maybe someone else needed to hear that too. Or maybe it was just for me tonight. Regardless, I think peace gained some ground tonight in my heart. I wish I could go back and tell that little girl in children's church the good news.
3 comments:
Having lived most of my life consumed by anxiety, I can probably trace some of my roots back to the same ol' issue...feeling like I had to do something, attain something, make something better. Even as a child, I remember fearing that maybe I hadn't really believed in Jesus...and that just bled through to every area of my life...EVERY area. I always doubted God and others and myself. I always assumed the worst. And I can't make it or myself better. I can't do it. Jesus can. J-E-S-U-S...that's who can. That truth took me decades to even begin to grasp. I'm still grasping it daily. But the peace and freedom that flows when I do grasp it is...well, there aren't words to really describe it.
Your honesty and transparency will speak to the hearts of many! God knit you together. He never loses sight of you. Romans 8:38-39.
Love you. :) Thanks for being honest! You're such an awesome lady!
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