30

Am I really turning 30? I feel like I’ve reached that age where time is effortless in moving; when suddenly you wake up and its 10 years later. And you say things to children about remembering when they were babies and how you can’t believe how tall they’ve become. Who I was at 20 and who I’ve grown to become are two very different girls. As my 30th approaches I can only reflect and smile at what has been and what will be.
The 20’s are shaky. Stability is the goal but change is really the protagonist. So much occurred it’s difficult to remember it all. I had my heart hurt more times than I care to share via facebook message and text. Nothing like unrequited love to present itself through social media. I grew a part from my parents and ached to start out on my own. Necessary? Yes, but stopping to understand your childhood is over is often an afterthought too late. I should have savored the feeling of “home.” I watched my mother endure cancer while at the same time realizing even moms can’t be strong all the time. It’s ok to rest. I ended relationships where I had played married and therefore had to play divorce. Turns out guarding your heart really was a good idea. I began jobs and learned I liked order and distasted micro-managing. I was independent, who knew? I also learned that no one could be harder on me than me. Maybe I’ll relax in my next decade. I became an aunt to three beautiful little boys and discovered I loved them like they were my own. Each time one was born they found a little home in my heart. Being with them became one of my favorite pastimes. I formed friendships that actually defined true friendship. When someone drops everything to listen they really do care. Moving to a new apartment each year became a way of life which meant new roommates and experiences. I still can’t believe I allowed a roommate to keep her aquarium on the kitchen table with her gecko inside. No, I wasn’t ok with the black light that kept him warm and lit up our dining nook. I took a turn for the worse and sunk into a depression where you grab for anything until you just don’t care to care anymore. These moments defined me most because they allowed me to see what was broken and begin to heal. I think I found God too, as cliché as that sounds. I guess I had to believe I really lost him to know He was always there. I met a counselor that sent me running in the right direction. I began grad school and then I dropped out of grad school and wondered what that meant about me. Was I a quitter? I worked at American Eagle with high school students as a 24 year old because that’s the only place that would hire me. Folding tank tops with a college degree and covering a shift for a teen because she has a football game is a sobering enlightenment. I stopped attending my childhood church and became acquainted with the mega church. This brought about a lot of new realizations about grace and how it was ok to be a mess. And finally I met a guy, a really great guy that I didn’t like. And then I did, but by then he had a girlfriend. And then after shedding any pride that was left I told him I liked him and we fell in love. We planned a wedding and now I’m married. MARRIED! Craziness. Oh, I also went blind for two weeks. That was fun.
I guess my reflections aren’t really that different from others, but they’re mine. And I suppose it’s only in cheesy milestone birthday moments that you look back and know a lot has happened. It was a decade that shaped me and I’m glad it did. So with glasses raised here’s to 30.