Still

A few weeks ago I prayed for faith. I felt I was lacking it and needed a boost. If I had more faith I could overcome the down days, concentrate, laugh, and roll with the peaks as well as the valleys. It had to be that simple. More faith = strength.


My battle did indeed come. Jeff and I were returning from a weekend trip 2 weeks ago when I began to notice my vision blurring. Assuming I was just tired I went to bed and hoped for restful sleep. In the middle of the night I awoke and walked into our bathroom and flipped the switch. The mirror reflected nothing but a swirl of blurred colors. I rubbed my eyes and blinked rapidly but to no avail my eyesight remained blurry. Panic ensued. Later in the day I developed small water pockets on my eye balls. Awesome. What in the world was happening?

The next few days involved doctor visits, new prescriptions, and finally a diagnosis. I had developed a rare side effect from a new medication. The actual lenses of my eyes had changed due to increased eye pressure and water retention. Unbelievable! I couldn’t process it; how in the world had so much gone wrong in such a small amount of time??

My friends and family were hopeful that this was just a bad circumstance that would soon correct itself. I couldn’t get there though. I kept trying to chin up and believe that God had a plan but I wondered if God’s plan didn’t mean getting better. What if it meant something new? In the end my prayer was desperate and completely unsatisfying to me. It simply stated, “I’m so scared and I can’t believe good in this so help me actually have faith at all.”

Today my eyes are on the mend. The lenses have corrected themselves and I am patiently awaiting the dilation to dissipate. Pockets are gone too! It’s going to be ok. But I am only beginning to learn meaning in this. I read a devotional this morning that encouraged us to welcome God’s trials instead of praying for a quick cure. I thought about my desire to fight and how it felt so heavy to stand up to depression and fear. I thought I needed to do my part and that fighting back was the lesson to learn. Immediately the verse in Exodus came to my mind, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” (Ex. 14:14) My plan subsided for a moment and in the clearing was a new truth. I cannot fight this my way. My body couldn’t even fight off nearsightedness.

I am a weak girl, but God already knows that. The difference now is that I’m beginning to know that. God is always fighting for me and the realization that I can’t buck up and be strong is one of the warmest thoughts I’ve had in a long time. I cannot do this on my own. His desire is for stillness and I think my journey to understand that has only just begun.

Dear God,

(Heavy Sigh) Here I am, again.  I am so many things Lord. I say the wrong thing. I don't live my life above reproach. I should go the extra mile, but I don't.  I should get up and get to work on time. I should even work out and drink more water, but coke is so good. I push away when love calls me near. Why do I do that? I should give myself a break too, but can't do that either. I'm just a sinner. Just a girl having a hard time and trying to go it alone. When will my stubborn will fade away?

Its Thanksgiving next week, but I guess you know that. There really is so much to be thankful for, but my spirit lacks the joy. Doctors tell me to hang in there, this one will work. 6th treatment plan later I am glad my hopes have never banked on their good intentions. That's not true, sometimes I have. But you know that. I listened to Louie Giglio's message on anxiety and one thing tapped me on the shoulder and  has not stopped. He said it was BIG and to not forget that. He also said that it was an attack on your spirit. An actual detailed precise plan to wreck you. God, don't let it wreck me.

I don't have it all together. I may never, I think you're waiting for me to realize that, not you. Giving up is your greatest plan for me. It allows a clear path for your love to envelop my tired and anxious heart. I try so hard to fix me. And I keep thinking this is the day, this is the day I'll have success. But how wrong I've been. How so very wrong.

You are God. I am not. I give up.