I do.

T-minus 9 days till I dooooooooooooooooooooo. Till I say yes to forever with my best friend. And everything else that includes that I’m not privy too yet. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m ok or if I need anything. Secretly I wonder if they think I’m going to run away and not look back. (I’m not, I don’t even have enough money for rent). Or maybe they think my anxiety will grow like kudzu and swallow me. I’ve feared this as well. But I’m not in that place nor am I in blissful diva-bride mode either. I’m in a quiet place with lots of thoughts swirling around my mind. I’ve always been fascinated with time. The idea of a moment in time you cannot retrieve again is incredible. It’s an imprint of a happening on your heart. Major or minor… it’s there. My mind is filled with those moments. Memories of growing up, learning about Christ and then not grasping it till my twenties, and all the ups and downs of just being in my twenties. Please know I don’t view my life as complete now because I’m changing my last name. Marriage doesn’t complete you, that would be waaay too much pressure on your significant other. But so much change is underway, so much to walk through, so much joy too. Don’t get me wrong, these are ALL good things. But their paths are dark right now and the anxious are planners! We need to know what’s ahead. How can I prepare? What goes on my mental to do list? The answers are nothing and nothing. So I’m sorta quiet. Reflecting upon what I’ve been through and maybe just maybe how it’s prepared me for this next step. I want so much to be a good wife. To know when to shut up, to encourage, to not say sarcastic things, and to really learn how to fold a fitted sheet. I want to already be good at everything for Jeff. But that is not how God works. You don’t get to know, to be perfect. He requires of us one thing: hold onto to Him. Time will go on and I’ll make a ton of mistakes and a lot of memories. It will be a new journey. I guess that’s what I’m thinking about. Quietly preparing for. I love you Jeff.

It's all good in the hood.

My mom mentioned to me that she read my recent blog aloud to my Dad. And he quietly asked after, "is Bug ok?" (Katy-Bug nickname). Poor Daddy, He loves me so much but feels powerless to help me. I think a lot of our loved ones feel that way sometimes. Its hard to mother, father, or be in any relationship with someone like me. Am I putting myself down? No. Just saying is all I'm saying is that its tough to watch a loved one beat a dead horse or cry tears of stress. So this, my faithful community, is a blog for you... You are awesome. You are patient. You are loving. You are prayerful. And for all these things I am thankful. The rest of my kind is too. You are my hug on a dreary night, a shoulder on an uncertain afternoon, and a word of love on an anxious morning. But most importantly you are not in this alone. You cannot fix the stress or shadow me with your wings. Hold my hand? Yes. But take it all from me? No. Ever watch someone attempt to comfort an anxious baby who isn't their mother? It doesn't go that well. My sister mothers 3 little boys. The smallest is Ben, 17 months and growing. She recently went to get him from his nursery class on a sunday morning and found him to be beside himself with tears and grief. We attend a mega-church so of course there was a line of parents waiting to receive their child. But when they noticed that Ben was crying out for Kelly they stepped aside and let her get to the front. Once in her arms, Ben was comforted. That's all he needed. In Psalm 131:2 it states, "Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother.My soul is like a weaned child within me." Ready for my parallel story lesson? Ok, go. When I am stressed I need my Savior. I need to remember to rest on His strength. To quiet and soothe myself with the only thing that will satisfy. You are my supporters that push me forward and only remind me that I want my one thing. I want my Father, like Ben wanted Kelly. So cheer me on. Hug my soul. And push me when I reach out for quick-fixes that aren't the cure. Keep Praying and know that I'm ok. I love you each.

stop flagging the ship down

Ever beat a dead horse? What does that expression even mean? Is that how we find out if a horse has stopped breathing? Kick it? Seems harsh and yet the expression is real and happens every day. Especially for someone who’s anxious. But what if that doesn’t get done…But what if they’re angry….But what if I needed to do that too?...But what if…. Ugh, makes me feel like a kicked horse thinking about it. If you struggle with the worries then you’ve definitely heard someone say to you, “you need to calm down” or “you’ll make yourself sick with this worry.” These are not helpful phrases and to the anxious they are merely obstacles in the way of whatever situation you’re trying to solve or keep from happening. So the result ends up being where we started. Dead Horse. Kicked unnecessarily. Now to leave a dead horse alone, in fact to run from a dead horse, will take some hard work. My counselor says a fight and battle even. She told me to think about the worry as a stage 4 metastasized cancer. Once the cells begin to reproduce and go unnoticed they multiply and run free in the bloodstream, infecting all the major organs and ultimately taking your life. Extreme comparison? Maybe, but isn’t that what anxiety really is? Just a big quality of life sucker. Yep. Its not fair to you or your loved ones to be zapped of energy. We’re just going to have to fight like H*LL to bury the horse and call a spade a spade. Remember to smell the roses. Laugh even. Insert ____ helpful expression. I’m privy to “That ship has sailed, “ so by all means stop flagging down a ship that won’t come back for you. Makes life much more pleasant.