A little Self-Eval...

I took a spiritual gifts test once in high school. Our youth pastor asked all the students to take it to see where our hearts leaned in and came alive. My results came back as encouragement. I remember thinking, "cool...I'm nice." The end.

Later on in high school a lady in our church stopped me on my way out and asked if she could give me a word of encouragement. She believed that she was supposed to tell me that one day I would be able to really see people and understand their hearts and speak into their lives. Prophecy was not uncommon in our church culture and I remember thinking she was a nice lady and I guess that was a great thing she had to say. But I didn't really go home and write it in my journal either. I guess I feared it was weird and was she right?

Today, 15+ years later, I am convinced of three things:
1) I am called to be Jeff's wife and love him and our vows
2) I have been chosen to be Knox & Blaire's mom
3) I have suffered mental illness and God is faithful

So what do these three things mean for me today? They mean I have a story and a vital part to play in the greater story of Christ. I don't know if a written test or a kind lady at church were the triggers to find the real me but I do know what I have and what I've been through.

I know what it is like to love someone in difficult circumstances and walk through pain together and find the constant of love and Christ to keep going. I've sat in the pit of depression and tried to feel anything that remotely looked like Christ only to realize that my feelings were broken. And that finding God in despair was much larger than trying to feel a feeling of peace. He isn't a warm feeling. He's much more. I have held my newborn and felt so much fear that I was convinced the baby was better off without me.

These are crucial chapters to my story and what I believe God is doing through me. Because you see, when I hear of another walking through a similar struggle my heart immediately beats louder with excitement. I am not thrilled for their struggle but instead feel such an urgency to hug their neck, pour a cup of coffee, and sit down with them. I want to listen to their woes and agree that yes, this situation sucks. But to also remind them to be on the lookout for traces of God's faithfulness.

This is the beat of my heart. This is why I started this blog. This is why I love encouragement. This is why I know God is real because He has been real in my life. Its my evidence and my lifeline.

I am praying that God can use my story and that I can be bold in how he asks me to do it.