When things are wonderful...

Over that mountain and waving goodbye to the valley. Phew. That sucked.  Postpartum icky-ness was NO joke. I am by no means out of the woods because life will always be life and anxiety has a way of saying hello and dropping in for tea. But it no longer defines me and more importantly it is not defining my days and minutes. God is SOOOOOO good. Which brings me to my thoughts lately....

When you are coming out of a dark patch and life is good we, Christ-followers, tend to not desperately need Him as much. Or is it just me? After I had Knox I prayed like water for a parched soul constantly. I begged God for relief and hope and peace and so on. I promised his Glory for my answered prayer. I even currently seek out others with postpartum to encourage them. I really do not want to forget what God has done because I honestly feel joy. My sweet boy makes my heart smile and my days are filled light and joy. O Happy Day! But have I prayed with such diligence or talked to him about my day with such fervor as before? Well no... I have to admit I have even sat down at the end of the day and thought to myself I haven't even talked to Jesus today.  I don't even know where my Bible is or my prayer journal. Collecting dust underneath the nightstand?  Did I just treat one of God's greatest lessons for me like a vending machine...again? Why do I do that?

I wrote a poem once in high school asking God to sear upon my heart my lesson in order for me to never forget his faithfulness. Apparently this has been an issue for awhile and I am not sure of the answer.  Perhaps it is having a thankful heart in all we do. Jesus Calling, a popular devotional, writes of having a thankful spirit a lot. The author believes that thankfulness keeps a Christian in  constant communion with Christ, which ultimately becomes a theme woven throughout our days when things are wonderful. And maybe just maybe this thankful heart will be what reminds us that God is faithful and good when valleys return.

I am in love

When I look at my post below and how I feel as I type now I am quiet. But I'll try again as I tried then to speak into words what my heart is saying.  I shall begin with my utmost for His Highest.  In the midst of a trying time when nothing makes sense God did not sweep in and save the day because there was no sweeping in. He was with me when I pushed my beautiful baby into this world and he has yet to leave my side.  And over the next few days and weeks when I was pretty sure I was crazy, like legit crazy, He was there.  In fact when I begged him to take away the anxiety and He didn't in my timing something changed in me, something I hope always stays.  It was a choice I made. A choice to believe in my faith and to believe that God is good even when I am not.  I think about the worship hymn lyric, "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back."  So yes, no turning back.

 (photo cred: Joy Cannis)

Each day has been better than the last and God has given me peace to begin motherhood. I am absolutely in love with my baby. Sometimes I can't wait till nap time is over so I can see his smile. I even rock him to sleep sometimes, even though Babywise says not to, because I know he won't be little for long. And gone will be the days that he chooses my cuddles over playing with toys and exploring this world.  Oh dear, I may cry thinking about it.  My sweet Knox, I love you!  

A good friend of mine that has known more pain than I know reminded me that I was chosen as his mommy. Me. I was chosen by God. Another reason to know I am not alone. I love you too God. Thank you for hope.