7 weeks to go...

I just listened to an incredible sermon from my pastor about living in such a away that you exist solely on the basis that one is never in control of his or her circumstances but instead only a receiver of God's gift to them. Bottom line: your life was never yours to begin with so live humbly before Him and for Him. He challenged us to think about what it could mean to live that way, to actually view life from this standpoint.

This got me thinking about the life within me and the life I've known that is about to change forever. Yesterday Jeff and I each had private moments of freak outs thinking about a newborn in our graces in just 7 WEEKS!! We are going to be responsible for a life next month, no biggie just a few weeks away. Commence increase heart rate and balmy palms.

In my previous posts I have shared that it frightens me that I would be enough for this baby. Will I know what to do and will I be a wonderful Christian mother that sails through the good and bad. The fear has recently taken on a new mask about what I cannot control, no thanks to the public.  I have heard countless stories of rare heart diseases, strange viruses, and birth defects undetected before birth...courtesy of facebook, strangers, and acquaintances.  Wonderful, after 40 weeks of gestation I have no control over what happens to my baby. Never mind the foods I abstained from, vitamins I consumed, and healthy reports from doctor, my baby might not be okay or worse.  I know this is an extreme worry and no doubt more extreme due to my anxiety but nevertheless it is there, just a nagging thought hanging out in the recesses of my mind.

I hate this fear but the good news is that I get to decide what to do with it.  My God, the same God I prayed to over 8 months ago to entrust me with a baby, is still the same God that entrusts me to carry on with this pregnancy and overcome what may.  This precious little baby boy was never mine to begin with, just a gift. I am so excited to be a mom and my prayer is to live humbly and believe what God believes me to be for Him and my son.

15 weeks to go until I hold my baby and freak out

I wish I wrote more.
I wish I read my Bible more....like more than once a week.
I wish I wasn't so selfish.
I wish I put my husband first above myself.
I wish I could remember to take the clothes out of the dryer to fold them.
I wish a lot of things...

For some reason lately I keep thinking I need to get my act together so that when my son arrives I'll be the graceful mom that smiles all the time and leans on God's goodness and never freaks out.  I'm of course concerned about new mom stuff like feedings, fevers, getting him to sleep without creating bad habits of rocking, night lights, and etc. But I've started to think about what kind of example I'll be.  Will I demand perfection because I'm pretty sure my future two year-old will not grace me with it. Will I expect him to become a Christian simply because his Dad and I are... without owning and living out daily what it is to believe in Jesus and what he did.  Eeek, I'm scared.  Is there a book on Amazon for me??

The truth is 15 weeks from now I won't be ready. Not even close. I can't crash course mommyhood and being a good Christian.  I'm just going to have to start where I know to go. The place my mom taught me to go, the altar.  An altar doesn't have to be your childhood memory of the 3-5 steps that led up to the pulpit either. It's you alone in your car, sitting on the couch staring out the window, or amidst a room full of people (I'd recommend alone time though for those of us that distract easily).  It's just a prayer to start again and give God back the reins.  I'm scared out of my mind but 6 months ago God entrusted me to be a mom.  Me, a mom?! I think I'll start there and thank God.

I can't wait to meet you little guy. I promise to try to remember that the only way to be a good mom to you is to start again every morning at the altar.

I love you.

Is it still beating?

Three months ago I prayed a small prayer on the way home from work. It went a little something like this:

"God, I would love to be a mom and I want to be a mom like yesterday. But I know you know best and I want your will more and I trust your timing."

And then two days later I took a test. A test I had already taken over the weekend that had failed to produce two lines. I secretly didn't believe it was positive and I was already mad at myself for wasting another test. This time the test revealed a faint second line. And there it was, the beginning of another journey of trust for me. 

If I thought anxiety would float away as excitement and joy moved in I was quite mistaken.  It felt as if while this tiny life began to grow inside me so did fear.  I began to pray and then turn around and worry the baby would leave. And if it did I was powerless to stop it. Anxiety is about control and my baby was out of my control. Sure I could take vitamins, drink water and eat veggies; but what made my womb special? Why did my baby get to stay and others fade away from wonderful women? 

I remember feeling this way when I dated Jeff. I wondered why such a great guy would stick around and check off the items of the godly man list I made years before. It seemed I couldn't quite grasp good things from our Lord...for me. 

On our 8 week appointment I wasn't as excited about the ultrasound as I was the fetal heartbeat. I needed to hear that beat. I needed proof because my trust was failing. I wished things were different but I felt weak in my faith. I felt like a failure already.  The beat was strong and healthy and it felt like a breath of fresh air. I wish we had recorded it.  My sweet baby.

A month later at the 12 week appointment I was desperately needing that beat again. DANG IT! Why couldn't I just trust?

But I can't help but think this is refining me. It has to be some hard thing I am enduring for my pearl in the end.  I know some women sit back and pinterest while planning their gender reveal parties, but I am not of that breed. Pregnancy has been a little tougher for me.  Raw, honest, organic trust is not achieved in one heartbeat. Learning is infinite.  

I pray my trust stretches a little more each time I hit the ground after a fall and stand again.  I love you sweet baby for showing me to trust. Keep beating. 

Sometimes you don't...

Sometimes you don't get the job. The house loan falls through. The pregnancy test is negative...again. The relationship ends. The check bounces. Or fill in the blank. 

Sometimes you're not sure what to do at a crossroad so you just stand still.  Maybe for days. And you may not even know what to say to God. All you can seem to remember about prayer is the dinner table song that preschoolers sing. Desperate for control, you weigh all the options, or paths, and try to make a wise decision. But really you just want a quick decision because standing still and feeling the pain of what you thought would come through just appears too much to shoulder at the moment. And it is. 

I don't know much about God. I'm trying to learn his character. He is too big for me, but in my wanderings I am reminded of scripture. It's all I have right now. I don't hear God audibly in my current status, so my heart reminds me of the Bible. 

Life is hard and sometimes in the have nots you remind yourself that strength is not yours to muster up. It is grown with the watering of your soul by a God that promises a perfect tread in high places. For me, strength will come by sitting still with him, writing, listening to his worship, and reading the same passage over and over again. And maybe a coffee, a good sugary one. ;)

    Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

    the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

    the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

he makes my feet like the deer's;

he makes me tread on my high places. Habakkuk 3:17-19.

Preschool

It has been 3 weeks since I quit my job and can you believe it that I am not in training at my new job or meeting co-workers and attending meetings? Instead I am getting caught up on laundry and trying to fight away the anxiety of we're going poor.  It has been radio silence in the dream job department. Honestly, I am unsure of how I feel. Sometimes I'm excited with all the free time and sometimes I feel like a loser because my greatest feat of the day was running out to get Q-tips because we were out. And then other times I am fearful that I am missing something that God is asking me to do.

He is still here though, I feel him in my midst and I know that Jeff and Kate are not on the back burner of his "provide for" list. Currently I have a California raisin stuck in my minnetonka loafer. I saw it today randomly when I lifted my shoe...and then I just smiled and left it. The raisin was part of  a snack of a precious two-year-old in the preschool I am subbing for. It is also a funny little symbol of God's grace.

I have the current privilege of a part-time gig in our church preschool for staff member's children. I am assisting in the toddler room. So far my days have been filled with wiping noses, sitting quietly during nap time and making sure no one eats dirt. And lots of hugs. Their innocence is pretty convincing that all is well for a few hours. Yesterday I was asked by a little girl to repeatedly race her down the slide. My body length was the slide in entirety and yet she giggled and said, "again...again Kate." Clearly she doesn't understand losing yet and I love her for it.

This contract job may not be my future, but for a few hours a week I honestly get to see Christ in little chubby faces. They are reminders that I am being taken care of, even if I'm supposedly one of the teachers.

And we're off...kind of.

Well, I've gone and done it. I've committed the crazy act that makes baby boomers shake their heads and widen their eyes. I've quit my job...without a new one to turn to. And deep down I think I should have been a baby boomer, I certainly behave like one. Be careful and life on 5 are my mottos.  If it isn't safe then it's not worth the worry.  And then I went and wrote that scary little notice of departure. 

Let me back up; no, I am not pregnant nor moving out of state. I am not sick and need personal time. I am still Kate and completely capable of continuing to manage volunteers for a pediatric hospital. So what is my problem? I work for the #6 peds hospital in the nation and I'm leaving.  This is not a move for the anxious and I think we all know the name of my blog. Lots of fears crossed my mind in this decision. Money? Health Insurance?  Dreams of owning a home this year? Ramen noodles every night from now on? What will I do next? What if a job does not materialize on my time table?  These are valid concerns. Please know that none of these are lost on me. But yet here I stand. 

God is so crazy and beautiful.  I have no idea what is next and I have spent a lot of time journaling, praying, and staring off into traffic about this. I know God is moving and I have taken a giant leap of hope. Daily I battle fear but I feel the warmth of comfort too.  I am excited to see what is next and excited to see what is now. I know that He is taking care of me, as he always has.  I am praying through some new opportunities and I am joyful in the yes's and the no's. 

I have set sail for a new journey; I'm just not entirely sure what kind of wind it is yet. And I am ok with that.