Good News Guys

Changing the way you do anything is hard. Really hard. I went to counseling this week and for the first 15 minutes I unloaded my emotional baggage one piece at a time. I'm pretty sure I overwhelmed my counselor and the 45 precious minutes we had left. (Don't you always wish there was more time?) She looked at me and suggested that maybe we talk about 2 of my 12 crises for today. Ok, fine.

We explored the issue, questioned why I perceived it that way, and what I could do to calm the flip down. But implementing the ways isn't really the real problem. Its the perception in my mind. Its the labels I give myself and the rabbit hole of mind destruction.

Sin comes in a lot of forms. In the south we like to think it fits nicely within the realms of the "classics." Gossip, killin', lying, sex before marriage, and so on to name a few. But we've underestimated it if we think it only approaches us through the classics. We live in a fallen world, full of brokenness, and sometimes sin comes to just hang out in your mind and change you if its successful. The truth is you won't even realize your depraved mind is at work most of the time because you are sinful by nature. It will never be that difficult to do the wrong thing.

This isn't really good news to me. It kind of makes me think things are never going to get better. That I may always emotionally overeat, that I'll assume I'm not a good christian, that I'll never have energy, that I'll always criticize others so I feel good about myself, and blah blah blah. The ol' Depression cranked up.

I read in Romans today for my Bible study (catch-up reading because I bailed last week) and a couple of things really punched me in the face.

"For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.(vs. 10)...For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under the law but under grace. (vs. 14)...But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed. (vs. 17)" ~ Romans Chapter 6 (ESV)

I highlighted the phrases that got me because to me they showed my "part" in all this.  I am a child of God only through Jesus. He died for me, once and for all. I HAVE to consider myself dead to sin's power because my sinful mind does not own me.  I have to be committed in this relationship, authentically from my heart, and carry on to the truth that has set me free from my old way of thinking. And this mind renewing is daily, most of the time minute by minute.  Because sin is still there. But Grace is still there too and it is abounding.

This is not easy stuff to swallow and then carry on our merry way.  It is hard. But if you sit still and think back to the last time you really lost yourself in Christ, was it not the most life-giving thing?

Split in 2

Home alone tonight. Good thing too, Jeff may have thought I was losing it. ;) Been a rough day and I've been struggling through many thoughts in my heart. Truth is I've been frustrated a lot (A LOT) lately. And the even more truthful thing is that I've been frustrated with Christianity.

It just seems sooooo complicated. We're told to trust, to receive the gift, and to love Him in return. But it doesn't stay that simple. In fact things get messy, sin weaves its way through our circumstances, and we're left calling some shots, asking for forgiveness, and hiding our questioning hearts. Can't let them see, right?

I was first told about sin in children's church as a kid. They told us sin was separation from God. That when we sin we are no longer able to stay in His sight. Umm terrifying. I wasn't really sure about all the logistics but I knew God not being able to see me because of my choice was not good. I had to find a way back to Him. The rest I'm sure was told to me ( not to knock my church) about how Jesus was the bridge to get us back, but that part didn't stay with me. I went home that day with a seed planted in my heart that sometimes God couldn't look at me and it was all my fault. And so began my self-preservation and constant attempts to get back across that bridge.

I also think my anxious heart was birthed. My fear that I was not good enough. That if people really saw me would they think I was a Christian? Did I really believe I was? And the best part about growing up in church is that I knew better. We know that sin is real and that only Jesus can heal (rhyme..what what!!!!).  So why do we still act like it is up to us??? See, my frustration.

Tonight I had to bust out the Message Bible because Romans in my regular Bible wasn't cutting it. I couldn't understand Paul's heart. But thank you Eugene Peterson for telling me like it is. Romans 4:4-5 talks about a job that you just can't do. No matter how long or how hard you'll try the job won't get done. And believe me you'll try. Its a never-ending marathon. No 13.1 or 26.2 stickers for you.  BUT trusting Jesus to do the job is what builds that bridge.  Handing over the hammer, nails, and wood and dying to your own efforts sets you free. Its a gift.  We were never meant to be builders.

I made a fire tonight and laid beside it and stared (that's the crazy part I'm glad Jeff didn't walk in to see).  I watched the fire consume the log and then something really interesting happened. I watched the fire split the log in two.  And it was then that I prayed, "God, consume me. break me. split in half and burn up my efforts. I am nothing without you. Take my pride and sear it away."

Maybe someone else needed to hear that too. Or maybe it was just for me tonight. Regardless, I think peace gained some ground tonight in my heart. I wish I could go back and tell that little girl in children's church the good news.

Warning (Vulnerable)

I started a new Bible study tonight. I was excited to bring my new Bible, take notes, and be involved in something healthy.  For the next 8 weeks we will be covering Romans. Good ol' Romans. Its always been the book that reminded me that I'm not alone when I do the things I do not in fact want to do but do anyway. You with me?!

Our teacher prefaced with a different take though. She said bottom-line: Romans = by faith, I will trust God. It got me thinking; faith, trust, hope...all those things must be rooted in love. Love is the greatest gift our Heavenly Father has bestowed upon us. There is no greater love than His. But I didn't feel comforted in that. I asked myself instead do you love God? As in want to please Him through faith and trust because of my love. Ehhh scary question.  I think so. I know I'm not very good at it. But I do, right?

Suddenly I wanted to be alone in my car so I could have this conversation with God and myself.  I didn't want to be sitting in my chair constantly recrossing the opposite leg based on which thigh was asleep. I wanted out. 2 hours later I got my wish and the study ended. So here I am in bed, typing. 

I thought about Jeff and how I love him. I want to have the laundry folded so he'll have his clothes ready. I am so proud when I cook something and I know he likes it and is not just being newlywed nice. I love to plan a date that I know he'll enjoy. I do these things because I love him. I even love him right now as I listen to him snore beside me.  

I know I am in love. So why can't I be that sure about Christ. Am I really that shallow in that because I can see and touch Jeff that I am more convinced. After everything that I have been through don't I know by now? Man, I 'm frustrating.  But I think I may have it wrong.  I think you have to back up and ask yourself what does it mean to love God? Isn't it trusting him when you don't understand or pushing through a tough day because you know its the right thing to do.  Don't we do these things because of love and in return our faith is strengthened? And at the same time our love is deepened in the reliance of Him.  Kind of a fantastic little equation we got going on. 

I think I may need to chew on that for awhile. Just being honest.