attitude

My attitude is not great lately. It seems more bad days are occurring than good and when these days ensue I just want to crawl into bed and start over again tomorrow. It’s exhausting to be stressed and for those who attempt perfection …this is difficult. I never deemed myself a perfectionist until I dug a little deeper through the ways of anxiety and discovered it’s kind of a big part of it. We just want things smooth and easy. Not possible my friends, not even close. In the midst of planning a wedding, re-working a budget, taking pre-marital classes, and moving into a new condo things are a bit hectic. Did I mention a wedding in 50 days? My expectations are colossal. And the thing about expectations is that they are man-made myths that exist in your head alone. No one else has access to the recesses of your mind or the details you want perfect. We’re all just trying to make it and keep on keepin’ on. God doesn’t have time for perfect and neither should we. And yet I still never miss my opportunity to announce my unhappiness with something or my desire for something to be better or different or so on… A young acquaintance of mine recently informed me of an upcoming surgery she will be having next week. A complete colectomy! She’s losing her large intestine on Tuesday and I’m complaining about wedding lists, the price of cokes, and cleaning. She hasn’t even expressed fear or anger. She just hopes she gets to return to school in time. My heart falls for her situation and I sigh in shallowness over my “problems.” I have no problems, just a busy time that will come to pass in 50 days. I don’t have to worry about how I will do without my intestines as a teenager. Such an incredible girl that is teaching me a lot. So there you have it. Shut up Kate and love what you have and what is to come. Pray for those around you and for Pete’s sake relax!

I always need a host.

Dearest Victim, Oh the road you’ve traveled and time you’ve spent with me…At every bend and twist you’ve tried to lose me, kick me out of the mind. But I’m still here. I lay low at times of ease but thrive when stress thrives. You take your SSRI’s and journal away my lies but still you give me hosts. I always need a host. And as long as you give me one I’ll gladly stay. Think of me as a parasite that feeds on the nutrition of worry. The very second you entertain a worry you entertain me. Your counselor reveals my tricks, calls me out on being a host. Her megaphone of truth is clear but yet you still let me drive. I am your excuse…your comfort… your sleepiness and etc. Stress is unavoidable, this life will always present it but I can be managed. I can be mal-nourished. It’s honestly up to you. I’ll just get bigger. I’ll just keep attaching myself to things. I’ll even become so much a part of your personality that you won’t remember the days of compromise, sweet tea, and a breeze. So here’s your time. Draw your line and find warmth in the Light. Till then…yours truly, Anxiety