Can't stop to cry, I'm busy getting stronger

Today was one of those days that I didn't feel like fighting. I had a doctor appointment this morning and was excited with what I thought was good news. I was understanding a little more about where I was at in my trek. I'm not sure what I thought doctor would do or say after I shared with her my findings (journaling, analysis, and keeping a calendar of bad days) but her response was nothing new. She said all my findings, feelings, and thoughts all boiled down to the root problem: I have anxiety. My brain processes differently and therefore it is best for me to take some meds to help it(brain) along as well as continue to see my counselor to strengthen my emotional toolbox.

I just felt defeated for some reason and although my loved ones attempted to cheer me on it didn't seem to penetrate. I was tired of it all: the money, the sleepless nights, the counseling, the explanations to my friends, the naps, the tears, and the pain. All of it sucks. There is no other word than this immature term to describe it. It makes you angry and honestly want to sit down on your journey road. So where does that leave me, us?

I have to know that I am not alone on these days. I know there are others of you out there that have had days just like mine today. I hope just one of you reads this someday and perhaps gains a little bit of hope. It is why I write after all. I have to believe that God can use these types of days for good.

I guess my takeaway from today was the word "strength." This word didn't come till muuuuuch later in the day. I was driving home from Bible study and listening to the Ginny Owens song "If You Want Me To" and one of my favorite lines caught me. It says, "Because I'm not who I was when I took my first step." Powerful. You aren't, you know? I am not either. I have traveled sooo far, covered so many miles, and endured days like today. The human body is weak, we cannot go it alone. I guess that's why Jesus stressed it so much that his power is made perfect in our weakness. That a part from him we can do nothing. That we are the branch and He is the vine. Every step I've had to take needed strength. And it didn't come from me.

So you see this trek is not for nothing. I just wanted to encourage you and myself that oh my gosh are you strong! Have you ever listened to a friend talk about a trivial issue and wanted to scream, "You're fine! You didn't breathe your way through a panic attack today did you? You'll figure out what to wear tonight..." And I don't say this to say to put yourself on a pedestal of "Im the most tragic" and therefore you deserve the respect of everyone you meet. Nope, not gonna happen. BUT I do say this to remind you that you are being shaped in your journey by the Vine. That his strength has gotten you this far. You aren't who you are when you took your first step. Kind of a miracle isn't it...

Faith

There comes a time in everyone’s life I believe that you have to come to grips with the raw-ness of faith. When it doesn’t matter that you know the verses about it, that you’ve taught others about it, that you’ve sang about it, professed it boldly to non-Christians, or written about it for years. What is faith? Is doubt a part of it? What does faith mean in relation to love? These are game-changer questions. And their answers set the course for your life.

In AA one of the first steps of healing is admitting that he or she is powerless to change their circumstances and that there is something greater than them that is in control. These are broken people where alcohol has very little to do with their problems. This program that has worked for decades and helped people integrate back into society alcohol-free is based on one dynamic principle. I can’t make myself better and therefore I have to believe that something greater than me is in control.

I don’t think AA is responsible for this principle though. They just knew where to look to help alcoholics see their circumstances differently. Faith. The dictionary tells us that it is a belief that is not based on proof. Hmm, a belief that doesn’t need evidence. A confident conviction in something. How can one be so confident and have such conviction for something that isn’t based on anything but faith? And there it is, your impasse. The place you ask faith to either hold your hand or step aside as you continue in search of proof.

I don’t think God meant faith to be a textbook with many facets and layers to uncover and memorize for the final end of semester exam. Why would a teacher give you a test that he knows you aren’t equipped to fully grasp and therefore bubble your scantron with certainty. Faith isn’t meant to set you up to fail. I think God knew when we forsook his trust for our own in the garden of eden that we would never be able to rest in certainty. That the journey would always be hard and the tests never passed. And that just wouldn’t do for Him. We needed someone to catch our fall, to help us through. And so he sent his son. To do what we couldn’t and yet still pass. A savior for us to have faith in. To let fight for us when we can’t. Something bigger than us that is in-control when we are powerless to fix it ourselves.

It is only by faith that we can hold onto to anything in the fury of the storm. I have been a Christian my entire life. I have a lot of head knowledge but not a lot of heart knowledge. I’m currently camping out at this impasse now. And I have feeling others are too, some Christians, some non-Christians. I think we all camp out there at some point. The important part though is that we decide. We pack up and make a choice. We don’t know the road, the bumps, the smooth terrain, the desert, the rain or the end ahead. I don’t think that we can know, we just need to know that God knows and we have the faith to believe him.

How great is our God that he lets us camp and decide?