My baby is due today. And since I'm here at home drinking Folger's coffee (it doesn't taste good) and blogging I think its safe to assume that this is a regular Tuesday. Pregnancy has been an interesting adventure of emotions, fears, and faith. I found out at 3 weeks along that I was pregnant so I can assure you that I have felt every day of this 9 (really 10) month stretch of time. Everything Jeff and I have done has been associated with this day. There are fill in the blank months/days till January 27th so we must do this fill in the blank task. And here we are. It's finished, my son has cooked through. Kitchen is closed.
My mind has been easily swayed to believe that today is now incredibly anti climatic. But I must fight this and remember.... Remember lots of things really. I truly believe the only way to be thankful and invite God in to our lives is to stop and reflect. The world can make this impossible which is why devotional time, prayer, writing and so forth are easily lost in the recesses of our minds. Life moves fast. Ferris Bueller said so. So here are a few of my reflections:
1) Dollar store pregnancy tests are just as accurate as the expensive ones. I will always love that second line appearing on my .99 test more than anything.
2) The sound of a heartbeat coming from something the size of a lego man is astounding. I had such a hard time with this one. I struggled to believe that God would give me a good thing. Anxiety is so evil in making you fear the worst. But there it was, the thump thump thump of a gift.
3) Nausea. Ugh, this is the worst. Everyday walking around hoping you don't hurl on something or someone. In my case I never vommed...I just had that feeling that I was about to. This went on for 20 weeks. Jeff once asked me to rally and push through it one night. That conversation did not go well. He's been an angel ever since. See, marriage enriched.
4) Friends. There have been some incredible women in my life that have loved me and our baby so much with showers, dinners, and walks/convos etc. That kind of love is humbling. Oh how I love you each.
5)Sleeping... Apparently sleeping on your back is no good because it doesn't present the best blood flow so that leaves you with your sides. This was and is super hard for me. I truly believe my baby hates me on my side because he hates being on his side. He kicks like a dog trying to get under a fence and run away. I constantly switch sides and he lets me know, "no, thank you mom." I lay awake most nights on pinterest or playing solitaire. I also truly feel for my shoulders and hips. The bigger I've become the more weight these poor bones have had to withhold.
* Still trying to find the silver lining in this one but the sleep you do get is magical and for that I am thankful.
6) Tests and scares. I had a few of these. Fluid found on his neck and being suddenly at risk for pre-term labor were my top scares. What if something was wrong with him plagued me. Was I strong enough to care for a child with special needs? Did I do something to cause it? Where are you God? These are tough questions for any mom and you run through all the scenarios in your mind. In the end you have to trust that God is in control even when you feel lost. I reached out to anything to gain my bearings and God had to once again teach me to let go. This is a battle you will not win. So I learned to stick my white flag in the ground and go take a nap.
7) The sudden desire to have him stay in because omg I ain't no mom. I like to sleep in, go to target any time I choose, and not have to worry with pediatricians and school and having to remember to be responsible for something for 18+ years. My parents didn't get rid of me till I was 29. I can't do this. And then the subtle prodding from the Holy Spirit that Yes, I can. That it will not be easy but it will be a privilege and a calling. This is a great feeling.
So there are a few of my reflections. I know there are more but I need to do laundry before this baby comes. It might be the last time I actually finish the laundry. God is faithful and I know babies do actually come out. So I'll wait. He's worth it and so have the last 9 months been.
