The holidays can be a difficult time. Maybe it’s the first year without a loved one and one less stocking to hang. Families are missing soldiers on active duty far away in the Middle East. The hospitals are busy with new diagnoses and grim circumstances. Clouds of financial crisis and unpaid bills loom over our heads with the realization that 2013 may do us in. And today there are those that are burying their little ones because of unsolicited evil last week in Connecticut. Kind of makes you wish December would be better passing us by. Everyone has a story. And maybe Christmas 2012 is one of the hard chapters.
I think it would be easy to wish the holidays away, even understandable. But I think we might miss something in the process. And no, I won’t go into commercialized sayings that Jesus is the reason for the season or that Christmas is about giving and not receiving. It’s more than nativity scenes, carols, candles held on Christmas Eve, and reading Matthew chapter one. It’s about hope. And while those are all wonderful holiday traditions they mean little without the message of hope defining them.
After the fall of man and the beginning of choice the world had little hope. Our poor choices introduced famine, murder, sickness and so on. How heartbreaking for God. I read once in a Tozer book about the attributes of God that He could only be good and that it was impossible for Him to be anything but. This truth highlighted something for me in the midst of our own present day darkness. If God can only be good and if He is the characterization of love then sending a savior in human form was the beginning of hope. Hope that in the middle of pain and tragedy that we could still hang on because someone already made a way for us. The tiny baby that grew to be the sacrificed Lamb of God changed it all. In one birth and in one death God demonstrated love through hope. And that is why we still have courage to walk through December.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Waiting
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I awoke and immediately my mind got to work. I thought of my mom and what tomorrow will hold for her and for all of us. She is waiting to hear if the cancer is back…
I wasn’t panicked as I usually would have been. I kept thinking about my eyes and how my world changed so quickly when my vision failed. But to God it was no big deal. He knew I would be prescribed the medication and that seven days later my body would react to it. He knew I would see eye specialists, miss work, cry buckets of tears, and doubt Him. He also knew my sight would slowly return as well as a new found sense of trust. I didn’t know how it would all turn out, but He did. And I guess a return of the big C would be the same. God knows the results and the next year. Nothing about His control or sovereignty has changed. Somehow I found comfort in that.
I just got off the phone with my mom. It’s back. It’s time to be carried, as I always have been. God is in control. Only now I know it’s not just a saying on a greeting card. It’s true.
I wasn’t panicked as I usually would have been. I kept thinking about my eyes and how my world changed so quickly when my vision failed. But to God it was no big deal. He knew I would be prescribed the medication and that seven days later my body would react to it. He knew I would see eye specialists, miss work, cry buckets of tears, and doubt Him. He also knew my sight would slowly return as well as a new found sense of trust. I didn’t know how it would all turn out, but He did. And I guess a return of the big C would be the same. God knows the results and the next year. Nothing about His control or sovereignty has changed. Somehow I found comfort in that.
I just got off the phone with my mom. It’s back. It’s time to be carried, as I always have been. God is in control. Only now I know it’s not just a saying on a greeting card. It’s true.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
30
Am I really turning 30? I feel like I’ve reached that age where time is effortless in moving; when suddenly you wake up and its 10 years later. And you say things to children about remembering when they were babies and how you can’t believe how tall they’ve become. Who I was at 20 and who I’ve grown to become are two very different girls. As my 30th approaches I can only reflect and smile at what has been and what will be.
The 20’s are shaky. Stability is the goal but change is really the protagonist. So much occurred it’s difficult to remember it all. I had my heart hurt more times than I care to share via facebook message and text. Nothing like unrequited love to present itself through social media. I grew a part from my parents and ached to start out on my own. Necessary? Yes, but stopping to understand your childhood is over is often an afterthought too late. I should have savored the feeling of “home.” I watched my mother endure cancer while at the same time realizing even moms can’t be strong all the time. It’s ok to rest. I ended relationships where I had played married and therefore had to play divorce. Turns out guarding your heart really was a good idea. I began jobs and learned I liked order and distasted micro-managing. I was independent, who knew? I also learned that no one could be harder on me than me. Maybe I’ll relax in my next decade. I became an aunt to three beautiful little boys and discovered I loved them like they were my own. Each time one was born they found a little home in my heart. Being with them became one of my favorite pastimes. I formed friendships that actually defined true friendship. When someone drops everything to listen they really do care. Moving to a new apartment each year became a way of life which meant new roommates and experiences. I still can’t believe I allowed a roommate to keep her aquarium on the kitchen table with her gecko inside. No, I wasn’t ok with the black light that kept him warm and lit up our dining nook. I took a turn for the worse and sunk into a depression where you grab for anything until you just don’t care to care anymore. These moments defined me most because they allowed me to see what was broken and begin to heal. I think I found God too, as cliché as that sounds. I guess I had to believe I really lost him to know He was always there. I met a counselor that sent me running in the right direction. I began grad school and then I dropped out of grad school and wondered what that meant about me. Was I a quitter? I worked at American Eagle with high school students as a 24 year old because that’s the only place that would hire me. Folding tank tops with a college degree and covering a shift for a teen because she has a football game is a sobering enlightenment. I stopped attending my childhood church and became acquainted with the mega church. This brought about a lot of new realizations about grace and how it was ok to be a mess. And finally I met a guy, a really great guy that I didn’t like. And then I did, but by then he had a girlfriend. And then after shedding any pride that was left I told him I liked him and we fell in love. We planned a wedding and now I’m married. MARRIED! Craziness. Oh, I also went blind for two weeks. That was fun.
I guess my reflections aren’t really that different from others, but they’re mine. And I suppose it’s only in cheesy milestone birthday moments that you look back and know a lot has happened. It was a decade that shaped me and I’m glad it did. So with glasses raised here’s to 30.
The 20’s are shaky. Stability is the goal but change is really the protagonist. So much occurred it’s difficult to remember it all. I had my heart hurt more times than I care to share via facebook message and text. Nothing like unrequited love to present itself through social media. I grew a part from my parents and ached to start out on my own. Necessary? Yes, but stopping to understand your childhood is over is often an afterthought too late. I should have savored the feeling of “home.” I watched my mother endure cancer while at the same time realizing even moms can’t be strong all the time. It’s ok to rest. I ended relationships where I had played married and therefore had to play divorce. Turns out guarding your heart really was a good idea. I began jobs and learned I liked order and distasted micro-managing. I was independent, who knew? I also learned that no one could be harder on me than me. Maybe I’ll relax in my next decade. I became an aunt to three beautiful little boys and discovered I loved them like they were my own. Each time one was born they found a little home in my heart. Being with them became one of my favorite pastimes. I formed friendships that actually defined true friendship. When someone drops everything to listen they really do care. Moving to a new apartment each year became a way of life which meant new roommates and experiences. I still can’t believe I allowed a roommate to keep her aquarium on the kitchen table with her gecko inside. No, I wasn’t ok with the black light that kept him warm and lit up our dining nook. I took a turn for the worse and sunk into a depression where you grab for anything until you just don’t care to care anymore. These moments defined me most because they allowed me to see what was broken and begin to heal. I think I found God too, as cliché as that sounds. I guess I had to believe I really lost him to know He was always there. I met a counselor that sent me running in the right direction. I began grad school and then I dropped out of grad school and wondered what that meant about me. Was I a quitter? I worked at American Eagle with high school students as a 24 year old because that’s the only place that would hire me. Folding tank tops with a college degree and covering a shift for a teen because she has a football game is a sobering enlightenment. I stopped attending my childhood church and became acquainted with the mega church. This brought about a lot of new realizations about grace and how it was ok to be a mess. And finally I met a guy, a really great guy that I didn’t like. And then I did, but by then he had a girlfriend. And then after shedding any pride that was left I told him I liked him and we fell in love. We planned a wedding and now I’m married. MARRIED! Craziness. Oh, I also went blind for two weeks. That was fun.
I guess my reflections aren’t really that different from others, but they’re mine. And I suppose it’s only in cheesy milestone birthday moments that you look back and know a lot has happened. It was a decade that shaped me and I’m glad it did. So with glasses raised here’s to 30.
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