Love Letter to God

I’m not sure how you do it. How you manage to listen to my woes while calling the stars into place. How you still love me even when my temper is lost and I haven’t called to you in days. How you close my eyelids when I beg for sleep without me saying goodnight or thank you. How you hold my hand and help me up after a fall I’ve fallen a thousand times. Your encouragement and forgiveness is constant. Your sweet desire for oneness is humbling. You long to sit with me and listen. Because you have time. You love for love is who you are. You never left me in the darkest of nights. I could have sworn you did when I pleaded for a sign, but darkness is not darkness to you. You are light even when I am dark. Your word tells me there is no place I can go that you are not. The depths are a scary place but you sat with me anyway. Nothing could separate you from your covenant to be my father. How do you do that? And after what felt like a million nights of loneliness you brought me my best friend and love. A small piece of your devotion for me to touch. A tiny reminder that my hand is held. That my needs are never lost. And that surrender is the only way to love. You never tire in telling me my worth. I know this as I breathe every breath and begin my day. I do not deserve a tomorrow. None of us do but somehow you had to get my attention. What greater love than to lay your life down right? You died a single death to make me see. To put this pain behind us so we could love freely. I’m not sure how you do it… I can never be grateful enough or good enough to show you thanks. I am not meant for works but for love. You wanted it that way. You wanted love. Only love. I love you sweet Father and I am learning every day what that might mean. Don’t give up on me. Kate

Worry. We all do it. We let it take over. We obsess, and if we have anxiety we really obsess. Ugh, I hate it. I can’t stand it when God wises me up and I realize how much time it’s taken from me. How many hours and days that I can’t get back… time I can’t make count. I think God knew that this would be one of the biggest struggles that his beloved would suffer with; after all there is actually a lot to worry about. As I write this I am in the thick of planning a wedding and preparing for marriage. I kicked anxiety to the curb and told a really great guy I loved him too. But then life happened and I knew I had a future to control. I needed a wedding that wouldn’t break my parent’s piggy bank, a guest list that wasn’t overwhelming, delicious food, dazzling pictures, a house to rent, money saved, and a healthy perspective of marriage. And a lot of other little things to decide and check off post-it notes. These are not bad things to accomplish, but the control of worrying about them creates an unhealthy idol. I used to think the commandment, “you shall have no other gods before me,” was about the Israelites and a golden calf. I remember thinking, “ok got it,” I won’t worship a statue or ask it for things. I see now just how healthy and useful that commandment really is. Idols are worthless. The golden calf that enraged God & Moses was a symbol of distrust. After the provided food and protected shelter from harm they still didn’t get it. They still asked a worthless item for security. We do the same damn thing! We look at a budget, problem, or decision and let it rise up. Mulling over a worry somehow gives us false security and control. And there it is. Control. It is the root of worry and the attempt to manage a future we can’t possibly see. This also happens to be the definition of anxiety. The fear of “what if” and the measures we take to avoid it in order to feel safe. But we aren’t in control and the Savior asks us to look at our problems in another light. He is urging us to remember that worrying subtracts time and that we have a God that knows what we need and when we need it. “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” Matthew 6:27 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33 Pretty straightforward and relevant.