A little Self-Eval...

I took a spiritual gifts test once in high school. Our youth pastor asked all the students to take it to see where our hearts leaned in and came alive. My results came back as encouragement. I remember thinking, "cool...I'm nice." The end.

Later on in high school a lady in our church stopped me on my way out and asked if she could give me a word of encouragement. She believed that she was supposed to tell me that one day I would be able to really see people and understand their hearts and speak into their lives. Prophecy was not uncommon in our church culture and I remember thinking she was a nice lady and I guess that was a great thing she had to say. But I didn't really go home and write it in my journal either. I guess I feared it was weird and was she right?

Today, 15+ years later, I am convinced of three things:
1) I am called to be Jeff's wife and love him and our vows
2) I have been chosen to be Knox & Blaire's mom
3) I have suffered mental illness and God is faithful

So what do these three things mean for me today? They mean I have a story and a vital part to play in the greater story of Christ. I don't know if a written test or a kind lady at church were the triggers to find the real me but I do know what I have and what I've been through.

I know what it is like to love someone in difficult circumstances and walk through pain together and find the constant of love and Christ to keep going. I've sat in the pit of depression and tried to feel anything that remotely looked like Christ only to realize that my feelings were broken. And that finding God in despair was much larger than trying to feel a feeling of peace. He isn't a warm feeling. He's much more. I have held my newborn and felt so much fear that I was convinced the baby was better off without me.

These are crucial chapters to my story and what I believe God is doing through me. Because you see, when I hear of another walking through a similar struggle my heart immediately beats louder with excitement. I am not thrilled for their struggle but instead feel such an urgency to hug their neck, pour a cup of coffee, and sit down with them. I want to listen to their woes and agree that yes, this situation sucks. But to also remind them to be on the lookout for traces of God's faithfulness.

This is the beat of my heart. This is why I started this blog. This is why I love encouragement. This is why I know God is real because He has been real in my life. Its my evidence and my lifeline.

I am praying that God can use my story and that I can be bold in how he asks me to do it.

Emulate for them.

The other day Jeff asked me if we should be exercising more to show Knox that it was important to stay active. I rolled my eyes, I'm 6 months pregnant and the last thing I want to do is move more. He went on to explain that Knox will be like us, lazy, if we don't emulate otherwise. That one got me but in a completely different way. 

I started thinking about Jesus and what it really means to be in cahoots with him. To actually be active in a relationship with him. Most days the Bible I read is a verse at the end of a devotional app if I read the devotional at all. I pray quick prayers in my mind and try to make it to church. I'm sure Knox's Waamba teachers are praying that the single mother returns to church with her son more than twice a month (Jeff works on Sundays). We pray with Knox at night but it consists of praying for family and his soon to be baby sister and then its off to bed. There's SO much more though out there  for him. And I get it, he's 15 months old. I can't even get him to stop licking his shoes; how is he going to listen about a relationship with God? I guess that's where I come into play.

I've got to check myself, my heart. Is a daily relationship crucial for me? Is it crucial enough that I'll emulate it for Knox and show him that it's everything in this thing called life. I want him to see Jeff and I walk this out in our lives so that he knows at the bare minimum all you need is Jesus. 

My mom did this for me. My church helped too. Youth leaders and positive friends were powerful when I no longer wanted to be home during my teens years. But in the beginning it was home, a place where my Mom told me about Jesus and walked his legacy. To this day I know home is a place still where Jesus lives with my mom and I can ask her things and pray together with her. That's what I want for Knox and baby sister J. I want them to remember and look back to where they learned about God because it was everything to Jeff and I. 

In other news I took Knox to the park yesterday and ran after him. That counts as exercise. 

What I've learned in 12 months

 At the end of January 2015 Jeff and I welcomed our baby, Knox, into the world. Well, Jeff welcomed him and I sat there wide-eyed knowing I couldn't give him back.  Postpartum depression & anxiety hit me hard as I embraced for a dark season I didn't know was coming. But alas the Lord delivered me and set my feet upon solid ground and I embraced another new season, parenthood. 

Knox turned one a few weeks ago and I thought I'd journal a few of the things I learned this past year in no particular order. 

1) postpartum depression is real. It happened to me and it happened to others as very dear women shared with me their stories. But we all have something else in common too, it didn't overtake us like it wanted and peace and health were achieved.  (Please contact me at any time if you ever want to ask questions or need help)

2) Baby boys will pee on you, themselves, changing tables, couches, and other surfaces you'd never thought would need a deep clean from urine. 

3) You will need some sort of contraption for when they are mobile to house them in besides the crib. This allows  for bathroom breaks, coffee to be drank, and peace of mind. I suggest a packnplay or gated area. 

4) Schedules for Knox and for me were a win. I needed a routine and turned out Knox loved it too.

5) You don't actually have to journal when they come home from hospital diaper changes, bottle feedings, and naps. Why did I do that? 

6) The people from poison control are very kind. Lock up the dangerous cleaning supplies my friends. 

7. Back is best but physical therapy for a flat head is expensive. More tummy time next go-around for us!

8) You can survive on 4 bottles. I only own 4, this still amazes me. 

9) Breastfeeding is great but don't beat yourself up when you stop or don't start at all. Formula isn't the devil. Its food for your baby. That's all. 

10) Baby colds seem to last forever, but the nose-frieda helped. Gross, I know. I never thought I'd be washing a suction tube for congestion. 

11) The infant season is only a season. You will sleep again. 

12) Moms put lots of pressure on themselves. We must daily give ourselves grace. You're still learning after all. 

13) When in doubt call your mom. 

14) You and your husband will say, "Do you smell poop?" daily and this won't be weird. 

15) Lean into your partner, He wants to help. I love you Jeff xoxo

16) Don't compare milestones to other kids. You'll end up freaking out when in reality kids do things at their own pace. 

17) Labor is flippin hard! I was not a three push girl, I was a 3 hour push girl. Hug yourself for conquering such a huge task. 

18) Learn to love sweeping and vacuuming because somehow your house needs it every day. 

19) Take naps too, they are like a breath of fresh air and ice cream on a sunny day.

20) I still have lifetimes of things to learn. 

I currently am almost 4 months pregnant and needed to write down some reminders that I made it through the first year and I can do it again with another sweet soul. Although I know this list will look very different after a year of having 2 kids under 1 years old. God Help Me! No really, help me. 

Love, Kate & Knox

Safe

I haven't been to the dentist in 2+ years. This is terrible. I've had my excuses but now things are calm and the time is there to go. So why don't I make an appointment? It's simple, I'm afraid of what they'll find. Two years of neglect will most likely result in major dental work needed as well as cash money. (Insert wide-eyed emoticon) And to think this could have been avoided by making my yearly appointment.

Our spiritual lives are a lot like this. We hold back from talking to God or spilling our secrets to a friend because we're afraid of what will happen. We're afraid we might actually have to rip the bandage off and expose our wound as well as tend to it. And because this is frightening we go on our merry way and tuck it deeper inside until so much time has passed that you could have sworn it was gone.  Out of sight and out of mind.

This can't be what God intended. Denial, tucked away pain, and fear of the exposed do not sound like  safety in a Father we are supposed to trust. They sound like lies. Lies we tell ourselves for a sense of safety that are in fact false. God should be safe. And the reason He is safe is because he busts those lies wide open. Fear of what he'll find is nonsense because he already knows. And as you confess and lift your eyes up toward him he helps you unpack the tucked away pain and fear. It was never about what he might find, it was always about him restoring you through Christ.

This is not and should not be something new you've heard if you've sat in a chair at church. But it still might be new if you have yet to experience exposing an old sin or wound because you're afraid of what will be found. So please please remember restoration is ours because He is SAFE and Jesus made sure of this on the Cross. 

*Go take a listen to the worship song "He's good good Father" 

The Helmet

Home to Me

It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.  I love that statement, now more than ever.  It's from blogger and writer, Myquillan Smith.  Recently Jeff and I moved into our very first home. An actual home that is ours, well in 360 more payments it will be.

I wanted to love it here immediately. I wanted to be proud of it. I wanted my family and friends to love it too. The truth is though I didn't love it at first. It was a blank canvas away from my home and everything I knew. Suddenly I missed the tiny condo that smelled and felt like us. It was only the next town over but the difference of miles felt long and wide. We used to pass our favorite restaurants and well groomed sidewalks on the way home. Now we pass a roller rink and hay pasture. I realize this sounds snobbish and I truly apologize because it does. Thank God He humbles.

At first I wanted to change it all. Walls, floors, counters, windows, even new vent registers. Suddenly I needed new everything because I thought that would make me happy and fun to show others. But what I got was the wrong paint colors and an over-budget list of things that cannot happen yet. Seriously, my room looks purple and not gray. And in the right light, the down stairs looks a bit peach. Nope, didn't want peach.

Let the humbling begin. At first it was a little cotton, a mirror and a few of my milk glass pieces that suddenly created a vignette on my mantle that felt a little like me. And then it was simply using what I had to decorate my new canvas. Pictures went up and a new yellow rug was laid. And it began to come together, not perfect but together. New neighbors were met and the most beautiful sunsets shone over the pasture. In fact I love every sunset now over that pasture as I drive. Reminds me of my Grandfather's farm. And don't be surprised if Jeff and I skate a few laps and gain a few bruises at the roller rink as we remember being young. God reminded me that our new home didn't have to be perfect but instead a place we call home, filled with love for Knox and others. I want it to be a place of rest and peace. I love this home now and I love that God decided to gift us it.

I think any home can be your dream home if you love it enough to let it be you. So thank you Sterling Court. May the memories commence...

We are never on our own

I am currently overwhelmed. Phew, a lot is going on. Do you ever do that, honestly sit down and look at your plate of your busyness. It's not the best idea if you want to rest easy afterwards. But do I listen to good reason? No.

We are moving in 26 days. I should probably be packing up our life instead of blogging while Knox naps. Jeff is speaking at a camp next week, which means I will be on my own for 5 days...with a 4 month old. We close on the house next Friday. Need to find a babysitter while I'm thinking about it. Knox has his PT appointment in 1.5 weeks in which we will most likely be told he needs to wear an orthotic helmet for his left-sided flatness. So I'll need to fit in an appointment for Orthotics soon. Also found out insurances don't always cover helmets. We are also renovating our new home so currently trying to find painters, floor people, and granite people. These people need to see the property so we have to schedule estimates with our realtor to help us continue to get into the home for them to measure. And all of this takes money that we want to use wisely.  I also know I need to be looking for a job in the back of my mind, which means I need to be thinking about childcare too. And above all I am caring for a 4-month old. He's only been around for 17 weeks. I'm still a baby mama who's trying to figure it all out.

These are all wonderful things. "Rich" people things too, I know we are blessed.  But its a lot. The world tells us to spin it around and around in our minds while Jesus tells us to rest in today. I can't rest though God, I'm busy remember?  Rest Kate, He says again. Rest in today and the fact that you are not alone.

Its actually quite a statement for someone to tell you that you are in fact not on your own. And its an entirely another powerful statement for you to say in return, "I believe you."  I think God never leaves us whether we believe or not, but I also believe he wants us to believe in his promise too. I think he knows we need this assurance and it saddens him when we walk as if their are only one set of prints.

I can't get it all done today and that's ok because I was never meant to. Today I'll pack up books, just books, play with Knox, and make pizza for dinner all the while knowing something greater than I is holding my hand and my future.